Earlier this week I decided to come out to a friend who is also gay, and filled with confidence I decided last night that I was going to try and come out to one of my oldest friends. I will be seeing him tonight so when texting to make plans last night I told him that I had some news to tell him tonight. This friend is straight and has a girlfriend so I know that when I do tell him it will be more difficult as he is definitely straight. He replied to my text last night quizzing me about what I had to tell him. He was trying to get the news out of me last night, asking if it was personal or a health issue and to just tell him then. He finally texted saying "what is it? It can't be that bad surely. You're not gay are you haha". This text completely changed my mind and made me feel really small. My confidence had been smashed and I had to lie and tell him that my news wasn't that important and it was just something work-related. I now feel as far away from coming out to more people as I did before. People's attitudes towards homosexuality just make me really anxious about coming out and make me worry that I might lose my friends. I don't see how I will ever gain the confidence to take the next step.
He might actually, in thinking about it, have reason to suspect you're gay. Or... he could just have no idea. In any case, I don't think it was intended to be disrespectful. I'd suggest you should go right ahead and tell him anyway. I really don't think he'll care; if anything, I think he'll either be surprised... or, after he thinks about it, he'll be like Oh!! Of course!! I should have figured that out!! You're just super sensitive right now because you're just coming to terms with it yourself. But this is one of your oldest friends. He'll be OK.
There's not really much to go by here and it can be hard to gauge how someone is saying something through text. I don't really see his text as being that bad though. He doesn't seem to be too serious in it. I assume this isn't the case since you were considering coming out to him, but has he ever said very many homophobic things? Honestly I don't think he would have much of a problem with it.
Hello, Thanks for your comments. I've heard him say a few homophobic things but where I'm from its very common for people to make homophobic remarks. I don't think he is homophobic though, he's never said anything really bad. I'm probably just overreacting, I don't have much self-confidence and am quite sensitive. I still don't think I'm ready to tell him tonight though. Maybe another time...
Hey Closet, I know exactly how you feel from personal experience. I had a lot of work colleagues who I shied away from coming out to due to a couple of day jokes here and there. To be honest 99% of my friends are still my friends today and those who won't support you and accept you for the person you are, don't deserve the privilege. If you think now is a good time for you to come out to more people you just need to bite the bullet and tell people. I guess coming out to guys is probably the most difficult as there's always that little extra doubt in your mind. But ask yourself the question if you want a friend who likes you only because of who they think you are - or a friend who wants you for the real you. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Jamie
Hey Closet88, I'd have to agree with Chip. After I came out to my closest friends, some of them told me that they suspected. One girl who I consider one of my best friends said that she didn't want to ask me because she was afraid she'd offend me. It's quite possible that your friend suspects but isn't sure of how to ask you. The fact that he ended the message with "haha" suggests to me that he was trying to find a way to retract his query in order to not offend you just in case he was wrong about you being gay. Similar to how you may want to test the waters to see if you can talk to others about this, it is quite possible that your friend was simply testing the waters to see if you would talk to him about this. I hope this makes some sort of sense. Also, with regards to homophobic remarks, I know it has become unfortunately common to use derogatory terms towards gays to describe things that are undesirable. I have one friend who comes to mind. After coming out to him, he apologized for any offense he may have caused by using words like "gay" and "faggot." It is something that still bothers me to this day, but I understand the evolution of words. I discussed this very issue with one of my gay friends who is now in college, and he said that his friends will call him these words, but always in an endearing way. Perhaps one day, the negative connotations of these words will be reversed, but until then... I hope this helps a little. If anything is unclear or you have questions, please don't hesitate to ask. You have a huge community of support here that will help as best we can.
Man I feel for you, I know exactly how that feels. I once tried to tell a friend, and said I wanted to tell him something via text in highschool(this thread honestly just triggered the memory), and he messaged me back "Your gay, haha" in a joking manner, as if there is no way I am gay. It's really hard to grasp whether it is negative or not, but it sucks to get shut down before you even have a chance to say it. I actually messaged my friend back "No, You're Gay", and that pretty much smashed him even quizzing me on what I had to tell him. I was notorious for doing stupid things like that, almost every phone conversation I have with some of my friends ends with me saying I have to tell you something, then me hanging up on them, or saying, wait wait, click. So yea, plans back fire. Note he may have said that because he thinks you are straight, if he thought you were gay he probs would not have said that. If you take that into account, maybe he is accepting, everyone says bigotted things once in a while with no harm intended. For a straight guy, that response would have been funny, but since you are gay it was taken negatively, and if he is your friend he is most likely going to be ok with you being gay, but he just texted that because he thinks you are straight.
I really don't know how to perceive this one, which doesn't make a change as I'm not the best at guessing what people are thinking. Maybe he does have a suspicion I'm gay. I remember getting really drunk one night and he asked me if I was gay, I was too drunk to respond and just managed to slur a response of "what are you talking about" and he hasn't mentioned it again. I think this friend may very well accept it however other friends in my group won't. I have an image that he will tell me it's fine but then just leave me out of any social events as the aim of most nights out for these guys is to hook up with a girl for a one night stand. I would love nothing more than to hook up with a guy on a night out but it just feels too awkward at the moment.
I can see how that makes it more difficult to tell him but I hope you can get the courage up again to tell him. If he is a good friend then he will be supportive.
