Hey guys, I've been feeling numb for a while, I would like to say I'm sad or something, but I'm not, I just feel numb and bottled up and haven't cried in over a month or so. I simply do not feel like it. A month ago, my dad left us, he had been cheating on my mom for years since I was little, and had a "secret cell phone" that he hid from us, not very well, but still. And when my mom asked him what is was, he would say things like "your just crazy like your grandmother" or "Your seeing things". My moms grandma really was clinically schizophrenic, and it struck my mom's fear to the core she was crazy, he manipulated my family and would control us, and had my mom in a depression for years convinced she was crazy, but she did not want to alarm her children by saying so. My parents have gone to court and it is 60 days until the divorce is final. Sounds good right? He's gone, happy dandy? Well he keeps coming over everyday, sitting around like he still lives here, telling me what to do and acting like he did not hurt us, pushing my mom and brothers around and the other day he basically threatened not to help me out with money if I did not obey him. Yet he can go wherever he goes to every night with god knows who and do whatever? I feel trapped and defenseless. I stood up to him, and everyone looked at me like I was crazy, I was told to shut up and he threatened to not help me. I fucking hate him. He still will not tell us where he goes every single night, or who he is seeing, his life is none of my business he told me and mom, yet he can come over every day and tell us how to live. I don't get it. I have told mom many times and even broke down in front of her, she said she agrees and that she would do something, but she has not. My little brothers love him and I hate him. My mom keeps encouraging me to build a better relationship with him. Am I freaking crazy or something? I seem to be the only one who has a problem with him, I'm the only who who hates him and for good reason. I feel so trapped I don't get it!!!! At least my friends agree with me, but what good is that, they cannot change my household. Ugh, What should I do? Legally my parents are divorced and everything is good and sound financially. He does not abuse or harm me or my family, just come in and tell us what to do while he can do whatever he wants and not tell us. I guess I do feel something... Frustration. Not hatred or anger, just utter teeth grinding sand in your eye salt in your wound FRUSTRATION.
I'm so sorry…that seems really tough. I guess as for what you should do, I can only offer this: deal with it. You're 17 and your dad will be gone in a few days, right? Even if he stays, you'll be off to college soon. I wish I could be more helpful, but minors really have no power in these kinds of things. :icon_sad:
A lot depends on how important his helping you financially is, vs. how important you are to him. If he considers it important for you to respect and appreciate him, and to be a part of your life, then you have strong ground to stand on. If this is the case, it may take some doing, but you can have a calm, professional discussion with him. Call him directly on his actions. Tell him that what he's done and is doing is hurtful to you, and if he wants to have any sort of relationship with you as you grow and are self-sufficient, that he needs to start working on this now. That if he holds money over you as a means of securing your behavior, it will anger and alienate you, and in the long term, you'll lose respect for him and not want to spend time with him. My guess is... this will get to him. Might make him angry, but if he sits and thinks about it, I think he'll realize you're right. The key is, you have to be willing to walk away, and tell him that if the cost of his money to help you is your self esteem and sanity, it's too high a price and you'll find another way to pay for what you need. Once he sees that his attempt to control you with money won't work... if he cares about his relationship with you, he'll be willing to meet you in the middle. If he really doesn't care... then is he going to give you the money anyway? My guess would be not, so likely, my guess is, he does care. The unfortunate thing here is, your family will be of little to no use because they apparently don't feel empowered. And that makes it all the harder for you. But I think, based on what you've written above, that you probably do have the self empowerment to make this work, and to forge a relationship with him based on honesty rather than on his power and control.
