Hey everyone. I'm a bisexual male currently in my senior year of high school. This is going to be a long post. So, to get down to basics, I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about my newly found attraction to other men. My emotions have been waning and waxing to pretty much every corner of the human heart possible. I don't live in a particularly conservative area in terms of social attitudes, so my primary ache is mostly concerned to me. Like I mentioned for the last month or so I've started to get a lot of strong feelings for other guys in my school and just in general. In retrospect I've probably been interested in guys for a long time; I've always caught myself dazing off on other mens' bodies since I hit puberty, although I never took note of this since I've always like girls too. I sort of just chalked it off as me being a curious, observant person, which I am, and never really paid attention to it. But it's getting harder and harder to not pay any attention. I've always had a severe struggle with depression and suicide since I was a child. I'm not shy in the sense that I clam up. Once I'm in a conversation I don't really have any trouble forming words to say, its mostly just that I don't really ever have anything to add. I prefer watching other people talk and adding my two cents in periodically. But like I said, my mood has been a constant problem. My parents divorced when I was only 3 years old. I've been constantly moving in and out of different houses ever since. My father is also a debilitated alcoholic who can't function on his own. He stays sober to take me to my therapist but that's about it. He hasn't had a job in nearly 10 years and has been in and out of rehab/jail since I was born. I still love him despite this but he was never there for me emotionally nor physically, so I was raised by my mother mostly. She's one of the hardest working people I know but she has her own anger issues that she has only recently dealt with. I basically grew up very quiet and in constant guard for my trust, never really making any long term friends due to the constant moving. The only person I can actually consider a friend is unfortunately my sister. Anyway about two years ago, near the end of my freshman year, my mom and her boyfriend Terry were forced to move down to Florida (I live on Long Island) due to the crazy expensive taxes out here. My sister decided to go with her, but me and mom were having a lot of problems at the time. I stayed in New York with my stepmother. Sadly that didn't work out forever. We're both very....proud individuals. Neither of us like to take shit from people, nor do either of his hide what we think. That may sound cool and all but considering how stubborn and hotheaded we can both be, it pretty much ended up pushing us apart. About two months ago, after being thrown out for a second time, I decided to leave and stay at my grandmother's house. I'll be moving in with my godmother and her daughters in about a month, as soon as they can get a settle on their house. I'm not really looking forward too it that much. They're great people and all, but they aren't anything like me and they have a hard time understanding my introvertness at times. That take it as an insult when I don't want to do stuff with them, when really I just need some time alone (which is pretty much impossible to get since they moved into my grandmothers house as well). It's a decent choice but....I'd kill someone for a chance to have a nice, mom-pop type of family. I really would. Not to be inappropriate (because I'm aware this site doesn't focus on race issues) but I've had identity issues before. I'm white, but when I was attending elementary school I was completely surronded by black and latino people. I did have a few white friends but looking back I always considered myself "colored", even though I've always been aware I'm white. I'm very much involved in Hip Hop music and culture so co-opting between races always came natural to me. In middle school I was forced to switch to a catholic private school (the public schools in my original town weren't/aren't very good) and later went to a catholic high school for freshman year. I really hated it there. I was raised a catholic by someone elses choice, I never really got a chance to find my own path concerning religions, and I absolutely dreaded the condecsending attitude so many of the faculty had about God. Believe in whomever you wish but don't be angry at me if I disagree with you. But I digress. Anyway, even in these catholic schools, I was still surronded by blacks and hispanics, so I didn't really feel out of place. That completely changed when I failed out of my catholic school and enrolled in my currently high school. It's completely white and very well off as well. My family, with the exception of my stepmother, has never been very well off and its very obvious at times that I'm in the "out" crowds. I had a major identity crises a while back that I still have to deal with from time to time. My relationship with women is very damaged, to say the least. Emotionally speaking I don't know how to attract women. I've tried, as I said I'm not an inept person, but it seems like I've continuously been friend-zoned at literally every turn. In part it may have to do with the fact that I've been head-over-heels for a girl since sophomore year. I've literally thought about every day since I saw her. She's a very gorgeous brunette girl....she drives me insane just thinking about her. So much so that my inability to make a connection, as well as my self-esteem issues, have led me into massive bouts of depression, culminating in two suicide attempts over the last 3 years. I was also hospitalized for two weeks back in 10th grade by the school councilor. It wasn't my choice though; I shared with her my thoughts and she panicked and kind of threw me to the wolves. I'm not angry about it anymore (for the most part) but it really did leave a bad taste in my mouth about councilors. Thankfully my current social worker is great and I really love talking with him. But anyway. I told you all this just to give you some perspective on my situation. As I mentioned in the beginning, I've recently found out I've an attraction to men. It made me feel uncomfortable at first but the more I think about it the more...I dunno, the more it feels appropriate? Like it was my big "ah-ha!" all along? I'm not sure. I just know its making me hurt like crazy now. What exactly am I? I'm not looking for a PBS special. I'm perfectly where there's nothing physically wrong with me in the way someone with retardation is. But it just seems like more and more, no matter what strives I take to do the opposite, something always ends up putting me on the outside of the group. My abhorrent skills with women (or the fact that they just don't find me attractive period, probably both) has always been a sore spot in my being. But now I have to coup with these new feelings for men as well? It'll just be the same, won't it? More rejections and failures? How am I to do that? My sense of masculinity its very weak. Can't I ever just been in tuned with the crowd? I've never had a male role model in life to show me how to accomplish the things I want. I've always just been an emotional wreck and drain on other people. I've only got one friend whom I can count on, and half the time I suspect he just feels sympathy for my situation. I'm just....out gunned in every direction. Sometimes I really just want to find a corner, bury my head in my knees and not look up.
After rereading this I don't think I was very clear on what I was asking. Basically I'm looking for any similar experiences with my situation? Just some perspective. How did you guys handle your feelings when you realized you weren't straight?
