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Worst experience with my mother.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MtnFr3sh, Oct 7, 2012.

  1. MtnFr3sh

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    Stupid keyboard, meant to type "worst experience with my mother"
    :help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help:
    Okay, for the longest time I've wanted to tell my mom about me for so long, to the point of it's the only thing I could think about, even during school, and now she knows, kinda...

    This past Thursday I came into my mom's classroom upset, on the verge of tears, I had been thinking about all the things that had gone wrong that week (My mom teaches at the high school I go to) for one, there was a car bash and I am so scrawny I couldn't really make a dent, everybody in my freshman class laughed and my so called friends mocked me, that's just one of a few things that had gone wrong that week. :'(

    My mom kept asking me what was wrong and she said we wouldn't leave until I told her, I was racking my brain to try to think of what to say, I just couldn't think of ANYTHING to say, not even a simple lie like somebody hit me or something. I just told her... I told her I was bi, thank god I didn't mention that I like guys more and that I'm in a LONG distance relationship with another guy. she asked me how long I've known and I told the truth, about 3 years, she asked if I've ever kissed a guy, honest response. no. Do I have a boyfriend, lied. She said she was going to take away my computer because she didn't want me going to any gay websites.

    Then when we got home I stayed in the car while she went inside. I was crying in there for a good 20 minutes.

    I got inside, and my mom was on the couch crying. We then started talking, it was okay at first. She said she was crying because she knew how bad my life was going to be if I chose to live this way, she said she was sorry I've been dealing with this for so long, she also said if I chose guys, she said nobody would want to come near me because everyone would think I had AIDS, she said "So you just want to sleep with everyone" That hurt... a lot. Just as a figure of speech to emphasize it wasn't a choice I made I said "I would cut off my arm to be normal. Of course I wouldn't, I've come to terms with my sexuality and would never do that. I just said it to make a point.

    We then got into an argument, and a BAD one. I was the first one to start yelling, I probably shouldn't have... She said she was going to take away my door and not let me get my license because she said and I quote "I don't want you driving around to try to pick up guys!" That KILLED me, a little bit of me, no a HUGE chunk of me died inside because that's something I wouldn't have thought my loving and caring mother would have said EVER. I told her I hate her, and that I bet she wished she didn't have a son at all instead of a gay one. (Granted that was WAY over the line, but she crossed hers long ago.) It hurt her, and I meant for it to. I told her that the only thing s mom is supposed to do is be supportive and say you love me no matter what, she said "But I'm not okay with it!"

    Since she was going way overboard and yelling at me so much I decided to do a FULL retreat, I told her that I was just confused and depressed and that I just needed time to sort this out and that I'm to young to know. Which is what my mom was telling me at first, that I might just be confused. And that the only gay people she's known have said they've known all their lives, so that must automatically just make me confused since I found out later...

    What hurts is that I was not expecting this as her response AT ALL! I expected her to just hold me and say she loved me! She's never had a problem with gay people!
    God, if she ever found out that I'm in a long distance relationship and that I am madly in love with him and that I like guys a lot more that girls, I don't know what would happen.

    In the next couple of days she apologized, she said she was sorry more times than I can count! Now she thinks I'm to depressed, I'm pretty sure she's right... She took everything I said to seriously though, like when I said I would have cut off my arms and legs to me "normal" and that she probably wished she didn't have a son at all instead of a gay one. She's taken all of that to way to seriously and now I have a doctor's appointment this morning at 8 AM, the doctor actually said that if she's that worried she should take me to the mental hospital south of here!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY! OR SUICIDAL!

    GOD HELP ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!! :help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help::help:

    ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2012 at 11:50 PM ----------

    I used to think she loved me unconditionally and that I could trust her with anything, now, I'm not sure I can ever trust her with anything, or ever love her the same way again. Even though she apologized countless times, she just hurt me so much.
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Oct 7, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2012
  2. Jared

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    Re: Wort experience with my mother.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)
    Hey there.
    It'll get better, I promise. I know what it's like, my coming out to my mom didn't well either, not as bad as yours, but it wasn't good. She basically just told me to change and go get a hooker, along with a bunch of hurtful things. We've pretty much come to a don't ask, don't tell thing, which I guess is better than her lecturing me on AIDS and how her bi friend "turned straight". I get that it's hard to accept her apologies, but at least she's trying. I think she does care, she's apologizing and trying to help, when I told my mom I suicidal, she just told me to get over it, no offer of support or to help me find a counselor. If you are depressed, which she says you are and you think she's right, seeing a doctor might be a good thing. If you ever need to talk or vent, I'm here.
     
  3. AAASAS

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    Re: Wort experience with my mother.

    Reading this makes me feel like an asshole for how supportive my mother was. I would be just as upset as you if that happened to me so your not in the wrong.

    I think by telling her you are bi you have given her hope that you could have a normal relationship with a girl.

    It seems she does care about you, by telling you she is worried about the hardships you could face SHOWS CARE, why would a mother cry over her sons hardships if she didn't care, so she does.

    Your mother loves you, she had a normal reaction. Parents want the best for their kids for the most part, and you telling her hurt her, because she knew you were hurt.

    My mother never cried, or anything though I gave her a letter, so I don't know about how she intially reacted. She never said hurtful things, and was almost so supportive that I felt she was underestimating how difficult things are for me.

    At least your mother realizes that, and wants you to get help, and notices your depression. My mom doesn't understand why I can't tell my friends, or why I am worried about my future, she is very liberal, and doesn't understand that the majority of people are douche bags. Your mother realizes this, that is why she reacted the way she did.

    A good reaction isn't always the best, my mother doesn't realize the stress and pressure I'm under and gets mad at me for not seeing a therapist, thinks that will solve everything. She complains to me about her stress, her tiny insignificant problems like they are a big deal, and whne I try to tell her about my problems, she just says I need to see a therapist. So the opposite end of the spectrum can be just as hurtful. I don't have the right to be depressed because I refuse to see a therapist even though there is nothing a therapist can tell me that I don't already know.

    So yea, I am in the same boat as you.

    My mother thinks I am mentally insane basically because I am depressed about being gay, she watches sex and the city, and all those gay shows, and sees those flamers having fun and is like why can't my Kevin do that. It's not the same for everyone, not everyone just accepts it, not everyone needs to waste money on a therapist, and depression is sometimes just necessary.

    People get depressed, and that is a way to warn yourself of a negative lifestyle, depression is a wake up call to change. Its a perfectly natural thing. Some people just don't udnerstand that and thing it's a health problem beyond society. But not, it is societies problem, I and you are only depressed because of homophobia perpetuated by society. We have perfectly good reasons to be why we are, and people who aren't in the same situation obviously cannot understand.

    Try to explain that to your mom.

    My mom has gotten better at recognizing that outside stressors, even minor ones, are not good for me, and she has begun to realize that I am not mental, and that maybe it will be hard for me.

    So maybe your mom will meet you halfway soon enough too.
     
  4. Chip

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    There are five stages everyone goes through when they are processing a loss (in this case, for your mother, the loss of her perception that you're straight.)

    Denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    What you just saw was her moving quickly through denial ("you're just confused") into anger ("You just want to drive around and pick up guys! You'll get AIDS!")

    As unpleasant as it is, these are actually very common parts of coming to terms with accepting you. Although your mother won't win any awards for managing her emotions appropriately and exhibiting compassion and unconditional love... what she's experiencing is emotional flooding, NOT her true feelings.

    My guess is within a pretty short time, she'll realize what a turd she was and things will change. Given that she's already apologized, she's trying to figure out how to make things right. She knows she screwed up... you just need to communicate with her that things are OK.

    And the truth is... she HAS loved you unconditionally all along... the response you saw at first was just emotions out of control, and if you think about it... those emotions were because she was scared of losing who she thought her son was whom she loves dearly. So now she's realizing that she hasn't lost you at all... and feels like shit.

    I'm really sorry you had to experience this, but I promise you it will get better, and likely very soon. Just keep talking to her. :slight_smile:
     
  5. MtnFr3sh

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    My doctor's appointment wasn't that bad, it went a LOT better than expected. The doctor asked me questions about if I was depressed, eating like I normally am, and if I wanted to hurt myself or others. Of course, I told her I might be just a bit depressed, I am eating normally, and of course I would never hurt anybody, myself or anyone else.

    Thankfully, the doctor determined I am not crazy or depressed and she told my mom that a lot of teens say thinks they don't mean. She also said that at this point I am still developing sexually and it's normal to be curious or confused. (Which of course I'm not, but I'm not going to risk another explosion from my mother by telling her that.) The doctor also basically told my mom to back off and let me sort this out with myself, which of course, I already have.

    Thank you all for the advice, I appreciate it more than words can express, and if anybody else has some advice they might like to give, please, you are MORE than welcome to.
     
    #5 MtnFr3sh, Oct 8, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2012