SORRY IF I'VE WRITTEN TOO MUCH Hi, all! As you'd notice, I'm not in the best mood... My first real crush come 'boyfriend.' - I first saw him on the hallway of my new school years ago & the first thought was: Wow! The cutest guy I've ever seen! He has to be mine! And strangely enough the next year, in class four, he was mine, thanks to my mastered feminine charms. I can remember oh so vividly his touch, his smell... not his taste because we only went so far as kisses on the cheek (I was shy and well, we were keeping a low profile, it being a gay relationship & all) At almost every opportunity, he'd carress me by wrapping his arms around me from the back and feeling my face and neck with his face. I can almost sense the warm tingly breathe on my skin, the one that got sensations all over my body. And, no I couldn't get hard because I was still fairly young, though not too young to not be aware of what was happening. ..I even remember how I reciprocated my kindness, like when I got him chocolates and a love note for Valentines. But then problems arose: he knocked me once as a joke, but I took it personally. I stopped talking to him and even avoided him. I was mad. That night, I cried on my mother's lap, after just telling her that it was 'some' boy who'd mistreated me. I can never tell her that I'm gay. Days later people in class noticed that the boy couple wasn't in good terms, so they actually made him sing for me one of his Indian songs. It was sweet, I must admit, but we never got back together since, thanks to my pride and, well, shyness. My heart would still skip a beat whenever I saw him. There were attempts by him to try to get my attention, like when he made it public that he'd give me some really expensive watch (that he apparently stole just for me), but I pretended that I didn't care about his gesture. It was like I wanted him to suffer or to just try harder. Anyway, my fears did come to materialize. He started hitting on other girls. And news spread like wildfire in the social scene that was class six. So many girls! Once, I was sitting at the bus shade (where we waited for evening transport) and I saw him right there before me eyes, trying to woo some 'chicks' across the road, outside school, and it hurt me at least a little. The next Valentines saw him even giving a female teacher flowers... Had he forgotten me? Maybe not, because one afternoon, as I 'catwalked' proudly across the hall as though I hadn't noticed his presence, I heard him call my name, almost shout it but in a seductive tone, like the one he uses on those girls, I thought. But I ignored it. The damage had been done. He'd changed and I was hurt. It would take a miracle to get us back together. Don't get me wrong: I was still very much 'in love' with him, or at least the him that wasnt a thief or fighter or womanizer. Just his eyes made me melt. I was powerless, lost, damaged goods! To this day I've never stopped thinking of him, at least once i a while, and miss him, and hope that he'd appear and be mine. But at my level of maturity, I know that, again, only a miracle would make that happen. I'd transferred schools never to see him again (except for the night we were driving near the old school and I saw him coming from a kiosk.(I couldn't gather the courage to roll down the window and call out to him, even though we were in traffic, because it would seem rude to the driver)) ..not even be friends on Facebook Either way, because of my unsatisfied emotions, I've been trying to keep tabs on him (you can almost call it stalking) by trying to find him on facebook. I finally did once and even sent him a message: "ME January 29, 2010 at 9:53 am Hi.remember me?JAY??.. HIM February 27, 2010 at 11:46 am yaep i doo" ... (sob) and THAT was the last I directly heard from him, ever! I'm bringing up the whole issue NOW because my latest full search both on Facebook and the rest of the internet clearly shows that his last activity was in 2010(November). Then he just.. DISAPPEARED. His last wall post reads " EVERY ONE CHAT AND TXT ME ON MY OTHER ACCOUNT.... May 8, 2010 at 9:05pm ยท " I made a double check and saw that not even his brother or his #1 female admirer was friends with this supposed 'other account.' After my full search, literally ALL I have now is a number that's not even from this country (he moved or travelled to Pakistan as far as his last online activity in 2010 indicates) I know I should have moved on by now, but the trouble is I feel unresolved inwardly, until I talk to him somehow or at least know of his whereabouts. He is my first love, after all. I feel like I have a scar that's never healed since we broke it off rather unreasonably and prematurely, ..like he left with a piece of me, although I'm the one who technically 'left.' I've made his only photo my wallpaper, since today (for some reason)and I can't even look at him, for fear that he can't and won't accept me now. I'm conflicted.
I honestly don't know what to say , there are so many things that could be said , it could. Be as simple as he has moved on or he could be waiting to hear from u. I can't tell u what to do but do what feels right to u . Good luck.
Thanks ems. And can you believe it: this morning, my conscience told me told me to check my Facebook feed & SURPISE.. SURPRISE.. there HE was, commenting on the status of a mutual friend. I could hardly believe my eyes! He was there! Anyway, I've quickly sent him a friend request, & well... FINGERS CROSSED!
It would. I just want to air out all my concerns to him, to REALLY talk.. Think that's the best tactic?*
If it he was me I would get friends with him again first , then I would casually bring up things . But would depend on what I wanted to say ? its up too u really but I wouldn't push to hard to start with.
Hmmm... sage advice! I'll follow that. Last thing I want, anyway, is to scare him away, or even worse, have him block me altogether from his Facebook account Patience does pay, after all!
OK, first things first. I edited your post to remove the full name of your "number one crush"...as well as the name of his relatives and friends. This isn't allowed here. Even if it were, it would be way out of line. What's the point of giving everybody's full name? As for your actual problem...well, I'm not sure what to say. He knows how to contact you. He knows you're still interested. But he apparently isn't all that interested in keeping tabs on you. Maybe he'll contact you again, maybe he won't. You're welcome to track down other ways to contact him, and send him messages, but I'm not thinking that will end up helping matters any. Lex
