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The reason I'm in the closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Closet88, Oct 8, 2012.

  1. Closet88

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    It's strange typing this post because I have never discussed this with anyone. I've only decided to discuss this aspect of my life as I feel I can trust the people on this site and I never discuss my problems verbally so feel much better typing them. Just to warn you beforehand, this post could get a little bit long and confusing in order for me to try and get my point across...

    I am 23 and have known I am gay for as long as I can remember. I accepted it when I was a teenager. However, I have always been brought up to believe that being gay is wrong, primarily by my dad. But since growing up I have began to realise just how poor a role model this man is. I wouldn't say I hate him because he is my dad and there is a small part of me that loves him. However I just don't agree with him on many aspects of life. He has been a heavy drinker throughout my life and has constantly belittled me for as long as I can remember. Despite never being physically abused I have grown up being mentally abused by him. My mother is a lovely person but she is also a doormat, she puts up with his drinking and let's him walk all over her. Despite also loving her and being a self-confessed "mummy's boy", I still feel very bitter that she has put up with him for so many years and basically spent her life devoted to a man who spends the little money he earns on alcohol.

    I have been brought up to instinctivly lie. My dad gets angry at the smallest of things and sulks like a child if he doesn't get his own way, so me and my mum will rarely tell him things that will make him angry, and the phrase "don't tell your dad" is something I've become accustomed to hearing my mum say. He very rarely praises me. When I was in school, if I was to get a B, he'd tell me how disappointed he was and ask why I didn't get an A. He'd ask why I never had lots of friends, saying I was weird and socially inept. Any time I buy clothes, he'll say I look a mess, and not to go out in public with him because he won't be seen dead with me (it's a rarity that I buy clothes, I hate shopping!). His language is vulgar and he constantly swears. He will always ask why I'm not out "fucking girls" or why certain friends have girlfriends and I don't. He actually says "I think you're a faggot. If I ever find out you are you won't be welcome in my house again." You'd think this would make it easier to come out as he suspects me, but it really just makes it an even more terrifying prospect.

    I'm grown incredibly tired of him constantly putting me down, and sometimes wish I had enough money to just move away and never come back. At 23 years of age, I should not be sitting at home pretending I'm asleep to avoid being berated by my drunken father. I know this deep down but at the same time I have no self-confidence to do anything about it. I am terrified at the prospect of him finding out about my sexuality, so obviously can't bring myself to tell him but it also puts me off telling those closest to me in case word gets back to him. There's been a couple of times when he's been depressed after the come down of a heavy drinking session and he's tried to kill himself, saying he had nothing to live for. He doesn't think about anyone but himself, so it makes me angry that I can't have this mentality instead of spending my life trying to abide by his rules and please other people.

    My head is slightly messed up and I have never spoken about this to anyone. This post probably doesn't even make sense, I find it hard to get across how I'm feeling. But I definitely think this is the main reason why I am so afraid about being open about my sexuality.
     
  2. Colours

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    Your post definitely does make sense. You're not alone, either. Though less than you, I've felt the same about my father. I've had the thought of just telling him and running away (whether he makes you or not), especially in your case, where he's made that remark about you possibly being a faggot. It might be the rebel in me speaking, but if he were to not accept my sexuality when I told him, I'd probably just have ran away. But that might be because I have places I could stay at least temporarily, and I don't know if you've got any options like those.

    Your father seems a worse case than mine (he's always drinking as well, is very egoistic, gets angry over the smallest things, and my mother's the same), but when I came out to my father he did say he wasn't happy with it but that he respected my decision to live this way and would still love me because I am his son (or something along those lines). He stayed calm as well.

    Have you ever tried talking to him about how he acts towards you and how that makes you feel? I did that, said I wanted to talk to him and brought up the subject and though he didn't agree he took it well (as far as that could go) and it's better now. I wanted to come out during the same conversation but something came in between and I did it later that day, or the next day, I don't remember.

    I can not give you any direct advice because the case you're describing sounds pretty bad. Try to at least talk to someone who you know you can trust (if there's anyone like that) to at least make sure your father won't get to know for now. Getting it off your chest in direct conversation will help.
     
  3. stumble along

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    can you not move out with a friend so you guys can share the rent? id just try and stay out of the house as often as possible, keep yourself busy y know?
     
  4. PinkTractor

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    Hi,

    I'm sorry you are living in such hell, and for the record you don't sound the slightest bit crazy to me. I don't have much advice to offer but I do have a thought--(I'm American so excuse me if I'm way off base here) My daughter, who is roughly your age, was looking at options for travel, and she saw there were a lot of work/study programs in Europe and England where you go to a nature site and do things like maintain paths/grounds, help with wildlife projects, guide tourists, etc...They gave you the work and provided you with living quarters, meals, and a small stipend for basic living supplies. You are of legal age, is that anything you might look into doing? It would get you away from your toxic family, and maybe buy you some months of freedom to clear your head and heal a bit.?
     
  5. SleepingAnyways

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    Oh god, do I relate to you. My dad is a good role model, but his way of thinking is too old. He thinks being gay is wrong and from where I am from, people still think it is a disease that you can be cured of. My dad is very short-tempered, he gets sooooo mad even if I leave my computer on my bed. He calls me heartless and says things like: "do you want to get us killed" and I do not know how, but he keeps blahblah'ing for two hours, litterally speaking. Everytime he gets mad, he brings up every single mistake of my life. To him, it is like I have never changed, like I am still that little 6 year old sitting in the corner of the playground. When he gets really angry, he would swear and every time that happens, everyone in the house stop doing what they do. That is not a moment I would want to experience once again. People in the house rarely talks to him about anything, because we're all afraid he'll get angry. That is also why his phone never rings, HAHAHAHAHAHA. I think it's weird that he has friends, but I guess that's where my rhetoric abilities came from.

    I, myself, stays in the closet because I kinda like it here. I do not want to change the way things are. I can't really see how it could be better, I can only imagine things getting worse. That isn't a problem for me, because I won't tell anyone. I want to move out so I can fill my own apartment with gayness, but it's not like that will happen before I finish college.

    I think you shouldn't come out to him or anyone close to him, or anyone that has anything to do with him at all. I don't know how it is to live with an alcoholic is, but my dad keeps telling me he only lives for me and my sisters. Without us, he could go and die. Doesn't make my day brighter, but he had a very rough childhood.
     
  6. Crazyguy

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    \

    With the environment you're living in it is no wonder you have no self-confidence. Good for you for talking about your situation. It stinks and there are people here that care. Your Dad sounds like a bully. I think for now keeping your sexual identity to yourself is a good idea until you can become more independent.

    Are you presently working? Having a job or even two might help you save some money to move out and keep you out of the house when your Dad is around. You need to get out in to your own place and then you can allow you to be the person you are.

    I feel for your situation. Keep talking and we'll keep listening. Take care.
     
  7. AAASAS

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    My mother had an alcoholic mother, they are damaging regardless of your sexuality. Obviously it is more terrifying when you are gay, and he opposes that, but know that it's not just the fact your gay thats a problem.

    The fact he is an alcoholic is a problem. There are support groups for people who have to live with them or have them in their family, I'm sure by joining one of those even online, on top of staying on this forum will give you something to fall back on at the least.

    My mother was booted out of her house because she wouldn't sneak my grandma booze when she was in the hospital because of her drinking.

    In my Grandma's defense, the Nazi Regime really fucked with her, she lived in Macedonia, a place were people were getting fucked over even though they weren't even Jewish. Hitler hated slavs.

    So yea, maybe your dad has some demons of his own, from what I know my grandma was stripped naked and her gold fillings were ripped out of her teeth, and then she was raped, by Greek nazis I think. You never know why a person drinks.
     
    #7 AAASAS, Oct 8, 2012
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  8. Closet88

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    It gives me some hope that you're dad sounds quite homophobic but stayed calm when you came out. I suppose we can't really tell how other people will react to certain situations but I really don't think he will take it well... I hope I'm wrong though. I have not spoken to him about how I feel. There is really no point because he only listens to what he wants to hear and tends to ignore other people. Well done for managing to come out though... that must have took some courage! And I find it really hard to actually say the word's "I'm gay" to anyone. When I came out to a friend last week I took a deep breath and said it, then covered my face in shame as if I'd just done something really bad! And I don't really have anywhere else to stay, the only other people would be family however I would find it far too awkward

    ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2012 at 05:56 PM ----------

    You're not off base, thanks for the advice. One of my ambitions in life is to travel across North America, I would love to live in the USA or Canada. The only problem with this at the moment is money as I do have a job but don't really earn enough to be able to go straight away. Here's hoping for a lottery win :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2012 at 06:00 PM ----------

    That comment about your computer on your bed has just made me smile, my dad also gets annoyed at really small things like that haha. When he's drunk he will talk for hours and I just sit there and nod, pretending to listen but not actually taking anything in... My dad does actually have a lot of friends but you will mostly hear him on the phone to them complaining about something... He is in a constant bad mood.

    Good luck with coming out one day anyway, I always thought I would stay in the closet forever but I know one day that I will come out. We only live once after all so what is the point in not living how we want to... I am good at typing these things but wish I could actually practice what I preach :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2012 at 06:03 PM ----------

    I agree with you about the bully comment. That's a perfect word to describe him. I do currently work, I have a bachelors degree and an OK job but it's not really something I want a career in. It is my dream to move away, I am certain I will do it one day! Thanks for your advice.

    ---------- Post added 9th Oct 2012 at 06:06 PM ----------

    Sounds like your grandma had a horrible life, I know for a fact that my dad never had anything that bad happen to him. His mum (so my grandmother) shares many similar traits to him. She is constantly berating people and doesn't listen to anyones opinions other than her own. Even if I did come out to everyone I don't think I'd tell her. I couldn't be bothered with the earache I'd get from her. My dad can't stand her but in many ways he is similar. I just hope I don't turn out like my dad!
     
  9. FishMan27

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    I think a lot of great point are being tossed around here. I definitely agree that the environment described sounds toxic. I'm still in high school, and though I have received an incredible amount of support from my friends, there are still comments I hear tossed around in the hallways and in various conversations that make it difficult to come out. I am only out to some close friends and my family. I would consider your situation to be far more severe than anything I've experienced or hope to experience, but even little things at school can throw a huge monkey wrench in things. In your situation, I imagine it would only be magnified. So, my first bit of advice would be (as many people have mentioned) to get out of that destructive environment and become more independent of your family.

    Secondly, I have found that the more people I come out to, the more self-confidence I get. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to come out to anyone, but it gets easier and easier!

    Like I said, I don't have any personal experience in a situation this extreme, but I think something as basic as boosting your self-confidence and comfortabilty with your sexuality will do so much.

    Good luck in your journey ahead!
     
  10. Closet88

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    You sound really mature for someone still in high school and are lucky to have such a good group of friends and family who you've been able to come out to. Your point makes a lot of sense and I know this is what I need to start doing in the future. Thanks for the advice :slight_smile:
     
  11. Given To Fly

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    Hi

    I can relate to your story somewhat. My dad was an arsehole, and probably the main reason I wound up staying in the closet for so long. Like you, I was never physically abused, but psychologically I was a mess. My relationship with my parents broke down completely when I was 19, and I moved out, and haven't spoken to either of my parents since. I found out a few weeks ago that my father died 7 years ago - it hit harder than I thought it would, but I can't figure out whether I'm sad about it or not.

    I haven't really got any advice to offer, other than hang in there - life can and will get better. I hope you are able to find a way to communicate with your dad, as I kind of wish in some ways that I did with mine, however much of a dick he was.
     
  12. FishMan27

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    Thanks, and once again, good luck!
     
  13. secrethermit

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    Sounds like your dad has a narcissistic personality. My dad (and his parents) have NPD and it really fucks up people who have to spend a lot of time around them.

    I stopped seeing/talking to my dad when I was 17 (i'm 22 now). For me, it was just best to completely block him out. Last year he sent an email trying to reestablish contact, but it became apparent that he had some hidden revenge agenda (basically, he didn't like that I had control by choosing to block him out).
     
  14. Closet88

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    Sorry to hear that, I know that even though you never had much of a relationship with your dad, part of you must have cared about him. You must be a quite caring person because although you said your dad was an arsehole, it's still instinctive to feel sad when someone you've known for that long has gone. Perhaps you wanted acceptance from him and when you heard he'd died you knew you'd never get that. I'm probably wrong but that's what it sounds like.

    ---------- Post added 10th Oct 2012 at 04:43 PM ----------

    Do you still speak to other members of your family? I don't really know much about NPD. I will have to google it. I've been called narcissistic by friends in the past because of my tendency to enjoy spending time alone and secluding myself from people. I don't think I am though because I wouldn't say I'm self-obsessed. I just get tired spending too much time with people sometimes. Don't really know the reason.
     
  15. secrethermit

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    I only speak to my mother now. I was speaking to my brother, but he also has NPD and decided to drop us after my mum asked him how he manged to afford a fairly large house he'd bought at the time. It turned out he swindled the money from his 90 year old grandmother. It ended with him going into a violent rage that left my mum with bruises. Keep in mind he's a 30 year old police sergeant, husband/father and normally maintains a very controlled and calculated demeanor, but I always got the feeling he viewed everyone with thinly veiled contempt.

    Narcissistic people try to neutralise and avoid anything emotionally charged. It seems to be out of fear and they're very good at skirting around these topics without you realising they're doing it. In my dad's case if anyone did anything remotely emotional towards him he'd react like someone had pointed a loaded gun at his face then do something to diffuse the situation. The only emotions they're comfortable with are ones like anger and hate.

    I think there are biological deficits that predispose someone to develop NPD. It's associated with a high level of sensitivity, which usually doesn't lead to the creation of a toxic person, but when other factors come into play that make them sensitive to things like feeling 'slighted' and they react to it with a torrent of unpleasantness it becomes NPD.

    I feel like i've inherited some traits. I don't think i'm capable of forming deep connections to people (including family). It might be from growing up in an environment where any signs of feelings were discouraged and extinguished. I don't really know what to do.

    This guy is a good source of info on narcissism. Keep in mind he's also a diagnosed NPD and psychopath:
    [YOUTUBE]ipeAbT6kiW8[/YOUTUBE]
     
  16. Closet88

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    Sounds like your family is as dysfunctional as mine... Can't believe your brother did that!

    You seem to know a lot about NPD. I don't know whether my dad does have that because I have seen him show emotion. I've seen him cry when he's feeling sorry for himself. The anger and rage thing I can relate to though because they tend to be the main emotions I see from him.

    I can definitely relate to the connection thing. I've never really been able to express myself so maybe that's why I've been disconnected from other people. Don't get me wrong, I do have a few friends but I've never had a best friend and am always just one of the guys who will only really socialises with them if I'm in the mood. It's hard because part of me would love nothing more than to fit in with everyone but another part of me tends to suppress my emotions and make it hard for people to read me.
     
  17. Closet88

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    Like so many times in the past I decided I'd give my dad a chance tonight and spend some time with him. We were getting along fine and then after a lot if beers he turned into his usual self, calling me a "fucking useless cunt" and asking what is ever done with my life before inevitably moving on to the topic of "when are you bringing a girl home? You're definitely a horrible fag." I suppose a leopard never changes his spots! No doubt I will continue trying (and failing) to form a bond with him though. The funny thing is, these insults don't seem to be affecting me as much anymore. I seem to he growing immune to them, just realising that he is really quite a pathetic excuse for a human being :slight_smile:
     
  18. Trailblazer

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    Sounds a lot like my dad. I will only spend time with him if he's sober, and only if its something important. He definitely has NPD, nothings ever good enough and everyone but him is wasting their lives. Though he hides it well from others, everyone thinks he a nice guy, but a little while ago he had some to drink and someone asked his opinion of another guy they talk to and they usually get along well. He must have forgot to put on his fake smile or something cause he told them exactly what he thought about him. Now the one guy doesn't even to talk to my dad knowing that's how he really is.

    I can't really help much though, a big part of the reason I'm not out or really comfortable with the idea of being out is because my father, and I still live with them since I need the financial support right now. I can really just say good luck and I hope it gets better for you.

    "I've been called narcissistic by friends in the past because of my tendency to enjoy spending time alone and secluding myself from people. I don't think I am though because I wouldn't say I'm self-obsessed. I just get tired spending too much time with people sometimes. Don't really know the reason."

    Wanted to add that I highly doubt that this is caused by narcissism, but more so you're just an introvert. I tend to do the same things skipping out going with friends and just to stay home, its not because they aren't good enough for me, its just that I like to have my time alone. There's nothing wrong with that at all.
     
  19. needshelp

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    i can relate to you except my father isn't an alcoholic and i THINK he might be a sociopath despite not being diagnosed.

    you already did a major step in coming forward and talking about your feelings on here. :eusa_clap do you keep a journal? having a journal would be a good way in order to speak out your thoughts and feelings out to yourself.

    as for being in closet, have you tried to go to any lgbt centers or support groups. you may have accepted that you're gay but meeting with other gay people, talking to them may actually help you develop more confidence with yourself as a gay person where it'll help you to be more open about your sexuality to other people. it'll take awhile.

    as for your father, there's really nothing you can do about him. that's just the way he is. i don't know what would be the best thing you could do in that situation but what i will say is that regardless of whether you come out to him or not. don't live your life in fear of him. if you have to keep your distance away from him, do so. if that means ignoring him or moving away or staying your room or going outside to whereever, then do that. just don't let your father bring you down. your mom on the other hand might have a bigger problem trying to stay away from her but you should encourage her to leave him or to work towards helping herself so she can leave your father. you're pretty much going to have to either distance yourself away from him or put on a brave face and let your father know that you're gay and that's what it is.

    the thing about it is that even though this may seem like the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life. just try to get as much help to help yourself through this. just set yourself on the goal that you can come out and not let someone like your father drag you down where you can't enjoy life as you should be doing.
     
    #19 needshelp, Oct 13, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2012
  20. Closet88

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    Thanks for your comment, you sound quite similar to me. Hopefully we will both be out one day :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2012 at 10:44 AM ----------

    Hey, I keep a journal every January but never manage to continue any longer than that...

    And I don't know whether a support group would be for me. I don't really feel ready to come out to a group face-to-face. I prefer doing it on here where noone actually knows who I am so I can be comfortable typing my experiences. I'm definitely going to come out before the end of 2013, that's my goal!