Alright, I'm starting to lose hope. I've suffered with an anxiety disorder since i was a child so that could have something to do with this. I've got this terrible sinking feeling that I'm going to be alone forever. I'm about to break down I'm tears just writing this. :icon_sad: All of my friends have these great relationships (they're all straight) and everytime I see them together I get so incredibly jealous of them. As I read this fourm and several others I notice that there are so many people in my situation, only they are much older and still single. I've read advice about how I shouldn't have a problem being single, but this only makes me feel ten times worse. My mom who just a month ago hated the fact I was gay did a complete 180 and told me that she wants me to be happy and has no problem with it now. I have so much love to give, but I feel like its all going to go to waste and the best parts of my life are going to be wasted. I'm not a stereotypical gay guy, you would never in a million years guess I was gay. The only gay people I have met are the creepy type and it gives me this sinking feeling that the odds of me ever finding someone I truely love and who truely loves me back are so slim I should just give up now. I don't want to settle for someone I don't like just for the sake of being with someone. But heck, right now I feel like I should just go find some girl that I can put up with so ill have someone that wants to be with me. I'm not sure i believe the whole "it happens when you least expect it" thing. I don't want to be 40 and still waiting for someone to show up I'm my life. I thought that coming out would help me feel better, but I feel more miserable now than ever! Is anyone here actually from this part of the country or actually in a lasting relationship? Where do I meet someone like me? I have a terrible "gay-dar" if that's what you would call it. I'm not one that would want go to some night club or anything. I feel like a worthless pile of s*** right now!:bang: Any advice or whatever would be appreciated.
Basing your self-worth on external and, ultimately, uncontrollable factors like being in a relationship is a sure road to low self-esteem, self-hatred, and depression. Even if someone has their source of self-worth (e.g. a good-paying job), their self-worth is unstable because they could lose that job at any time. Likewise if you base your self-worth off of being in a relationship, you may have a high when you're in one, but losing it will make you crash back down. A sense of self-worth is something that we create within ourselves by finding a purpose and meaning to life that is either transcendent (i.e. religious or spiritual purpose) or something we can control or choose. I recommend perusing my recommended reading list for some idea of how this can be done. I also recommend that you find someone in real life who you can talk to about your feelings.
I know exactly how you feel im kinda in a simular situation. The people i do meet who are gay i seem to have nothing in common with and or are people just looking for hookups which isn't me. All my friends are straight and they all know but i have a lot in common with them. I'm just a normal person who likes guys and i know theres others out there like me but it's hard finding them. You have to look at the good in your life such as your friends and stuff. Also figure out how to like yourself more and figure out what your purpose in life is. It isn't just to find some guy. As you figure those things out the boyfriend thing won't seem so important. Desperation is never a good way to try and find someone who would be good for you.
Hello Stridenttube, First off, let me say that you are not a worthless pile of shit. In fact, I would say you've hit on some very important things in your post. On being single: as I'm sure you've heard before, there's nothing wrong with being single; the problem is when someone is involuntarily single. It hurts. And, as you point out, it's hardly comforting for someone in such a state to be told that you just need to accept being single. Instead of trying to feel ok with being single, I think you should try to feel ok with being not ok with being single, if that makes any sense. There's so much pressure for us to be :icon_biggSUPER HAPPY:eusa_danc all the time, but there's nothing really wrong with experiencing negative emotions: it's ok to be unsatisfied with things as they are. That said, I would encourage you to think a little bit more about the whole concept of romantic love and why you think it will make you happy. From when we can first comprehend stories, we're bombarded with images that link romantic love to ultimate happiness. Think of all those Disney movies and fairy stories: in the vast majority of these, the "desired" state is portrayed as Two People Who Go Through THINGS But End Up In Love Forever! All is well once the lovers are together. The fascinating thing about stories sometimes is what they omit rather than portray. You'll notice that the stories often end right after the uniting moment. Why does the story end there? Well, the implication for me is that oftentimes what happens after a courtship is simply far less interesting than the process of courtship. You might have this vision in your mind of some magical individual who would bring you eternal happiness if only you two could find one another, but think of the untold story: a partner does not necessarily bring happiness or validation. I want you to imagine that your fear comes true: what if you end up not finding a partner? Would you just give in to despair, or is there anything else in life that gives you even a modicum of happiness? Singing? A good breakfast in the morning? The sunset? Perhaps you're saying to yourself: "Dammit, Amicus, I understand that I'm not guaranteed a partner, and I have other things that make me happy too, but I would just really really like for this to happen!" Fair enough. As far as I see it, these are the steps you can take to help yourself find a partner. Keep in mind this disclaimer, though: the biggest ingredient is sheer dumb luck. I am sure that there are many people among the 6 billion on this planet that would think you are really cool and would be totally down to share their life with you, but it's a matter of being in the right place at the right time. That said, I think these are some concrete actions you can take to try to make this happen: (1) Take care of yourself. See to it that your body and mind are well-tended to. Cultivate non-romantic relationships. Work though your anxiety and depression. I'm not saying that the issues you're having would be deal-breakers for people, but I think that these are all actions that will assure a potential partner that you are a well-adjusted human being. No one wants the pressure of being The Lover Whose Existence Your Happiness Depends On, and if you give off a desperate air of "DATE ME PLZ!!!", that's not likely to net you many fish. (2) Be proactive. It's ok to be frustrated that you can't find a partner, but wallowing in self-pity and expecting someone else to bring you happiness simply won't do. What are you interested in? Do you actively pursue your interests with communities of people? Following your interests will not only give you something to do outside of ruminating over your lack of partner, but it will also give you avenues to be social outside of a club scene. The odds are greater that people doing things that interest you will find you interesting! I know that a particular problem you're having is finding other gay people. I don't mean to encourage stereotypes, but do you have any interest in theater (any aspect: acting, stagecraft, lights/sounds, etc.)? Stereotypes or no, the queers tend to flock there. Theater is also a very, very social activity. I've met almost all of my best friends through theater. Even if you can't find a partner through these activities, you can find some great friends! Who might have friends...if you get my drift :icon_wink (3) Learn to be vulnerable. If someone is going to love you for who you are, they need to know...who you are. If you're interested in someone, talk to them! If they seem cool, ask them on a date! Something else encouraged me about your post: that you don't want to settle for someone you don't want. This is a very good thing! The bad news is that people are totally arbitrary and can reject you for any reason. The good news is that you get to be arbitrary too! Concentrate on what you want and whether you like the people you interact with because you don't get any say in how they react to you. This is essentially the same version of the usual advice: live your life as meaningfully as you can and that might attract someone to you. The more you engage with the world, the greater the chance you'll encounter someone you can love and be loved by in turn. Investing a significant share of your happiness in this is fine, but do so knowing the risks that putting your happiness in the hands of others entails.
Agreeing with Amicus here.:eusa_clap I am re-starting my life at 42 :eusa_doh: So...... single for the rest of my life? Maybe, then again maybe not. :icon_wink Remember you are someone special to someone. YOU! Time is the great equalizer they say, it also helps to learn about who you are, and who you want to be. Be patient with yourself. Loving someone else only comes after caring and loving yourself (*hug*)
