Hi everyone, I'm new here, and I am really confused as to what I really am. I grew up sort of assuming that I was straight. When I was little I wanted to marry my best friend ( a girl), but after that there wasn't really any incident until I was 11. By that age most of my friends were becoming really obsessed with boys. I wasn't. I didn't believe in that. I didn't see the point. Then I went to this camp, and there were two twin girls there. I really liked them, especially one in particular. Even now I don't know whether I really wanted to be friends with her, or if I actually had a crush on her. I became really obsessed with her. I know now that I tend to do that whenever I really want to be someone's friend. It's like my mind's way of telling me that I need another friend. Then again, I could just be getting a lot of crushes on other girls without realizing it. When I went back to school, I got crushes on boys. Twice. Both times I thought that the boys had crushes on me first before I started liking them. I never seriously liked them either, it was really just a kiddie thing. The next year when I went to middle school, all the girls had boyfriends. Boys were like the centre of their lives. I just couldn't relate to it. I was so stressed. I considered myself a late bloomer; I always thought that I would like boys when I was ready. At that age was when I started being unable to see why anyone would bother dating. This escalated until I was positive that I would never marry. The thought of kissing a boy filled me with revulsion. I could not imagine living with a man when I grew up. I thought that I was smart, choosing not to face the pain of breakups simply by never getting into relationships. It all changed when I was 13 and a half. I was lying in bed thinking of why I don't seem to get crushes like a normal person when it occurred to me that I might be gay. The thought deeply disturbed me. I don't know why, but it did. I spent the next few weeks in a fog, trying to discern the truth about myself. I thought it would be easy. A year later, all I know is that I actually want to be gay. And I wouldn't mind marrying at all if it were to a woman. I think that it's because I really just don't want to like boys. Some good friends of mine are male, and I've got nothing against men (except for flirts) but I wouldn't want to like them sexually. This past year I've monitored my emotions carefully. There's a new girl in my class who I really like, but I don't know if I just want to be her friend or if I have a crush on her. It's so confusing! If you guys could give me some help with this it would be really helpful. I am just so emotionally worn out from the constant boinging back and forth with the "am I gay? "or am I not? thought process. I really want to come out and talk to people about it, but I don't want to tell people that I'm gay and then find out that I'm straight. I've got no close friends to talk to, and I tried to talk to my mom about it, which turned out to be a mistake. She accepted it fine, but was obviously unhappy because she wants grandkids and she doesn't want me to have a hard life. She also told me that she thought that she might be gay when she was 14, and then got over it. This threw me into even deeper confusion. I felt really awkward talking to her and now whenever I even go near the topic it gets worse. If you put it like this it looks like I'm gay, at least to me. But it could just be my mind influencing me as I wrote it. Please tell me what you think! I'm really sorry for the monologue, but when a year's worth of bottled emotions comes out it does so with a bang... If anyone is still awake after reading this enormous tale of my adolescent problems, I'd love to hear your take on them. I don't know whether I'm straight and just want friends, or gay, or somewhere inbetween. Thanks!
Well, only you can answer the question of are you gay or not. Try to give it some time. The answer will come to you. If you need someone to talk to you can always reach out to me.
Hi there and welcome to EC! (I'm from Canada too! :smilewave) I think it's great that you've come to the realization about the fact that you might be gay already. I think it's wonderful - because I continued with your line of thinking myself right into my 20s, and when I was set up on a date with a nice girl and we hit it off, I ended up getting married. It wasn't until I was 35 that I finally had to admit that I was gay. So I'm glad that you're seeing that as a possibility at least. But at the same time, as the person above indicates, you don't necessarily need to figure this out now. I know it's driving you crazy, but decide not to decide - for say 6 months. Just live your life without making any kind of commitment or decision. And come back to the question in 6 months from now and see if you feel any different. Alternatively, decide in your head that you ARE gay. But just keep it to yourself. Allow yourself to daydream about girls. Allow yourself to admire them when you see them without it freaking you out or feeling guilty or conflicted about it. Just go with it. After a couple of months - see how you feel. Are you more at ease than were when you first joined here and started this thread? If so, then maybe 'gay' is what fits. But if you're not more at ease, then perhaps it doesn't. But coming here and talking about it is a great start. Welcome!
