Here we go again!

Today I took a day off work. I've been doing that a lot lately for various reasons. Some were because I was sick, others were because I just needed a break.

But my parents disapprove of it, and fear that I may get into trouble and possibly lose my job. But that's besides the point.

My mother and I just had another argument. Well, I didn't contribute much because I didn't want to get into a huge fight. She questioned me on what's going on in my life and I just couldn't give her an answer. She asked where I went on Wednesday night and I told her that I went to a gay club. She freaked out. Told me that I should stop seeing my psychiatrist and that she's going to set up a meeting with the minister so that he can try and get some sense into my head. She again said that the whole gay thing completely goes against everything she stands for and believes in and it doesn't matter what my cousin does, or what her friends do, but I, VelvetBlade, am NOT going to do it. That I am IN this world and don't need to do what the world does.

I'm so tired of trying to defend myself and trying to make them understand it. I guess they're still in their anger stage and it's tearing me apart. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it and I just don't know how long I'll still be able to deal with it. On top of it all, I suffer from Bipolar depression so I have those moods to deal with too, which makes everything so much harder on me. I don't know which way to turn. I want to move out of the house and just get away from it all but finances don't allow it.

Why does my life have to be so darn complicated? She also went off on the things I posted on Facebook. My sister is ashamed of it and nobody seems to support me in it. She says I have other family members on there too, and have to think about that. She also forbids me to go onto gay websites (like this one) anymore. Well, that's not going to stop me. I need the support. If I won't be getting it from her, then where am I supposed to go? I cannot change who I am and live a lie. Why can't they just understand that and support me? I'm broken. Tired of fighting and tired of having to stand up for what I want. But I also don't want to just give up and give in. I'm scared beyond belief and don't know what to do. I don't see this ending very soon and don't think they will ever come to the acceptance stage. I know my parents. The only people so far who have accepted me are my friends and other lesbians (and of course all you wonderful people here). Yet I still feel like I'm going through this alone.

My mom says it's since I've "started with this whole gay idea" that I've been staying off work so often, and been doing things out of character. Purely coincidental but how do I explain that to someone who is unwilling to listen? I just don't know which way to turn anymore. It feels like I'm living in a neverending nightmare :tears:

 

Thanks for the link and the very nice reply. I will have a hard time convincing her to watch anything LGBT-related. I know this because we were once watching a TV programme called Next. It's a dating programme where a couple of people get on a bus to meet one person and if that person decides he/she doesn't like the specific person, he/she says Next and moves on to the following person, etc.

Anyway, they eventually got to the gays. My parents sat through that OK, though I could feel an awkwardness in the atmosphere. But when it got to the lesbians, my mom got up, said something like, "This makes me sick to my stomach" and then left. It was a while after I came out to them, so maybe all those memories returned and it was a bit overwhelming and a bit too real for her.

I understand it's hard for them to digest, but they could at least be a little more sensitive about it and at least try and listen to me when I talk to them. I'm feeling a little better now, but there was no further mention of our "discussion" - if I can call it that - this morning. So we'll see. I just wish for everything to go away and be the way it used to be

But I know I can't change myself. I've tried many times without success and deep inside I was terribly unhappy and always had to wear a mask. So I know for certain I can't be with a man. But I don't think they will listen to me if I try explaining it to them. I actually did explain it in my coming out letter but I think they chose to ignore it

 

Thanks for the link. I managed to watch about 10 minutes of it, then lost internet connection

At first I didn't want to watch it, because I feel one should never question the Bible. Though it was written by people, it's still the Word of God, and to question the Bible, would be to question God, and that in itself is wrong.

I got a lump in my throat when I got to the part where he mentioned we as gay people should just ignore our feelings when we fall for someone, because it is considered wrong, and that we would then always be alone, for that reason. It made me question why we are this way then. Why is our sexuality "broken" as he stated it?

It's quite a long video though. Don't mean to sound stupid, but isn't there a way to download it and then watch it? It takes up a lot of data :icon_redf

Anyway, I'll find a way to let my parents watch it. It might give them some insight into my feelings, and into what I'm also going through.

 

Thank you Kacho, much appreciated

 

What a way to start the day - yet another homophobic fight with the parents! :bang:

Some of the things said - no, YELLED...

"Since you've gotten this gay idea in your head, have you made any new friends? Has your life changed at all?"

"Since you decided you were gay, you've lost your self discipline to go to work"

"I will never accept it, and you will NOT manipulate me this way (I was crying). No amount of this behaviour will convince me otherwise. I have a God who I have to answer to"

I'm so sick of it. It's taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. I can't take it anymore and I'm feeling suicidal. They don't understand what they're doing to me. They don't understand what I'm going through and they're not willing to listen, so I don't try to talk about it. Whenever we try to discuss it, it's just a load of shouting and badmouthing and I'm sick of it. I really cannot handle it anymore. It's just too much :tears:

 

Quick update:

Had a very calm talk with my mom again while we were having a smoke together. For once it didn't result in screaming and a huge fight. I'm sooo thrilled. I explained calmly that I'm not into men and she said maybe I just haven't met the right one yet. But I just stood by my point and again told her I'm not into men.

She then brought up religion and I told her about the many times I've prayed about it and questioned why this had to happen to me, and why I have to go through this. And I assured her that I'm not pushing my religion aside because of my sexuality. This seemed to help a lot. I'm just glad that things are starting to get better now. Not getting overly excited but it's at least a step in the right direction (!)

 

Most probably. I told her that I know it's not what they want to hear but that's how it is. I don't think she's still in denial, I think she may be somewhere inbetween the anger and bargaining stage now ("Maybe you just haven't met the right man yet..." = bargaining)

Great advice. I haven't told her in so many words but think she got the general idea that it's nothing she or my father, or anyone else for that matter did or said that "made" me gay. But me saying it in so many words may be exactly what she needs to hear to ease her mind a little bit. I know it's hard on parents to have a gay child, be it male or female. But I'll stick it out and help them through it. It was just extremely hard on me when we were having those fights. I'm sure it wasn't the last but I'll be a little better prepared next time. I think what helped is that I didn't try to go against anything she said, I just took the tongue-lashing like a (wo)man and only gave a little bit of input.

Another possibly positive thing from our discussion last night was that she actually mentioned the words "you" and "a woman" in the sense of dating in the same sentence. So perhaps she is trying to get used to the idea. Well, I'll be patient with them. I think my mom is taking it the hardest. My dad doesn't talk much, he pretty much bottles up his emotions. So I can't really tell how he feels about the whole situation. But my mom and I are a lot closer anyway. I'm just glad we're making headway.