Hi all, This is my first post but I really need help on an issue. My girlfriend and I have been secretly dating for about 6 months now. We love each other very much, and although I hate not being able to come out, it needs to be that way. The problem is that suddenly my girlfriend (Katie) has become tormented by the fact that she doesn't know whether she is lesbian or bisexual or even straight. Katie is a very religious person and although she sees God as accepting gay people because that is how He made them, she believes it is wrong for us to be in a relationship if we are not actually lesbian. I know for a fact that I am and it hurts because she has recently suggested she should go out with other guys in order to know for sure what her sexuality is. Is there any other way my girlfriend can come to terms with this besides dating around? Her reasoning is that once she knows for sure, she can love me completely the way I deserve to be loved. But I can't help but think I'm in a one way relationship. Can anyone help?
Sounds to me like she is just scared of being a lesbian, and trying to fall back into the "safe" zone of dating men. As for how she can come to terms with it? Dating men certainly won't help. You don't have to date someone to know what gender it is you are attracted to. And from first hand experience, dating a gender you are not attracted to isn't going to change your orientation like someone may hope. For one, you could try telling her about this site. Two, try just sitting down and talking about it, but don't pressure her. Let her know you support her, and try and talk about what all she is feeling in depth. Just the act of really talking about it may help shed some light on whatever it is she is feeling.
Well, it's hard to give advice on this, if she is completely sure she's in love with you but is still attracted to men (meaning she's bi) that can be a pretty confusing feeling. I've dated women before and suddenly 5 months or so into the relationship they decide that they're actually straight. I hope that's not the case here, so I would suggest talking to her, dating or sleeping with men won't let her know her sexuality, that's not how it works. Definitively let her know you're not comfortable with her experimenting with men just in order for her to love you better, that doesn't sit right with me as I've gone through that multiple times with women, but who know's she really could just be confused and scared (especially if she's religious) Just keep in mind one-way relationships can hurt. Especially in the long run. So sit down and really get to the bottom of what your relationship is about and where you see it going.
I agree with and appreciate both of your advice. Thank you very much for responding. The situation escalated a bit today, as my girlfriend now has her mind set. The plan is for her to kiss one of my guy friends (WHILE IM THERE) to see if she feels anything. I think this is a terrible idea, but I'm going to go through with it because she used the "If you really loved me, you'd support me" line. Hopefully it'll pass quickly and we can go back to the way things were before.
The whole if you love me you support me thing is not cool. It was very manipulative of her to say that to you and honestly, that would be a red flag for me. You have every right to not be ok with that. I'm not gonna tell you what to do but the only advice I'm gonna give you is you should speak up and let yourself be heard clearly or else you might end up feeling resentful towards your girlfriend. Also be careful about her using this line over and over again in the future. If she does, then that means she's very controlling and you should watch out.
Thanks for all your input guys! She finally realized it was a bad idea after my convincing; although I didn't use the line above. lol
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