I’m looking for some opinions, advice or suggestions on accepting the fact that I’m gay. Putting this out in the open like this is a first and is big step for me. I’m going to try not to be long winded about this, but there is a lot to say. I’m normally a “I don’t need help, take care of business on my own kind of guy”. So here it goes. I’m currently 25 years old and am 99% certain I’m gay, but am not out. You would never know this about me by my personality, or by the way I walk and talk, I don’t fit any of the stereotypes and wouldn’t even if I was out. I started noticing that I was attracted to the same sex as early as middle school. I’ve had a handful of relationships with girls, and as of the last couple of years I’ve given up on that. I grew up in a very closed minded community with lots of simply arrogant people and no gay community. Needless to say growing up I was socialized to believe that being gay was not right, attended a church that told me the same (unfortunately) and in general, the topic never really surfaced in normal conversation. My immediate family for the most part is much more open minded than most in the area and would (probably) be fine with me being gay. However my extended family and a majority of my friends probably wouldn’t handle it so well. I guess what I’m driving at here is that I’m having a extremely difficult time accepting myself as being gay and what it will mean to me and those around me in the present and in the future. I guess I care too much my reputation, what others think and living up to “normal” expectations…Having a wife, kids, grandkids and the white picket fence and all that bullshit. I do understand that that is not all lost, I know a person can live just as normal of a life being gay with all the same stuff…I just can’t seem to give it up. I know that if the people in my life me don’t accept me for who I really am, it’s as simple as pushing them out of my life and finding people who do. This seems like really common sense kind of stuff to me but I can’t seem to push past it and say what I need to say. To complicate things I’m currently in the military and have lived under DADT for some time, which has seems to have (even though it’s repealed now) solidify some my apprehensions. DADT and its repeal isn’t as simple as it seems on the news. It’s amazing what kind of attitudes/thoughts others have and share about their feelings on homosexuality when they think they are in like company. In addition to this, a lot of my decisions since high school regarding post-secondary education and career choices have been engineered by my own design to leave myself plenty of fall back options and to allow myself different avenues of approach to different paths I may take depending on what choices I made regarding my sexual orientation and the consequences of those decisions. This has produced mixed results, on the upside of that; my resume definitely has some breadth, which is good. This has been something I’ve struggled with for a long time, trying to deal with it on my own is obviously not working. In the past I’ve had a tendency result to alcohol as form of escapism, (which I started doing unconsciously) and fortunately realized early and put the brakes on. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or tendencies; I love life and what it has to offer. (I’ve never sought counseling or help of any kind with any of this.) I’m just sick of having to hide who I really am and make decisions for myself based on others/ societies expectations of me. In the end, I know that I have to come out and I know how to do it. I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. Maybe it’s just the fear of the unknown, putting myself out of my comfort zone (which I normally don’t have a problem with, lol) I don’t know. I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to build a relationship with someone and have a happy and fulfilling life any more than I already have. Any help here would be great!:icon_bigg
Hello Dax and welcome! I can say that even though I have come out to a few people, I still am having an extremely hard time accepting myself as gay. It is very hard to shake the thought of what my parents and family have instilled in me as the perfect future. As you said; a wife, children, big house, dog, and the white picket fence. I would date women hoping there was something, but they would just end up being a complete failure. You say that you believe that your immediate family would be the most accepting. When you are ready to come out, I think they would be the first ones that you should talk to. If you do not feel comfortable enough to do it in person, you can always write them a letter or contact them through the phone. This gives them time to process it. When I decided to come out to my parents, I thought my mother would be better than my father. Well, my mother wasn't the best, but she has come around. My father gave me a hug and told me that he will always love me and that I will always be his son. My mother did say that she suspected it even though I am not "stereotypical". Not to put a damper on my response, but I know my extended family will not accept it at all. I have already accepted the fact that I will no longer be welcomed over there. Sorry I don't have more advice, but it is important that we do what is right for us. I am not going to live a lie just to please everyone else. This is our life and we only have one chance to live it happily! (*hug*)
You expect to fulfill your typical nuclear American family archetype because you lived in a narrow-minded community where (I'd imagine) you were fed this idea. Well, time to unscrew that little idea one step at a time! I can't provide any advice about the military, sorry, but that stuff I'm extremely ignorant about. Start with what YOU want to feel satisfied. You shouldn't be living to satisfy others, or to satisfy an ideal model-fit life for you. You should be living for yourself. So, ask yourself, what do you want? If you want to love, then it's OK to love someone and be in a gay relationship. Gay relationships are beautiful, any more than straight ones. There is no shame in it. You shouldn't be putting some made-up ideal expectation over what you want and want to experience in life (positive things). That's detrimental and really doesn't make much sense. Love yourself. Love the fact that you are gay and that there will be rocky futures, but the future always works itself out. Also, your immediate family, as you claim, will probably accept you. If you love them, and they love you, then anyone's opinions shouldn't matter. Oh also, being gay's super awesome anyways, so..! :>
