"You should go to the gym..."

This is more of a rant than anything, but any input would be great!

I had an...interesting (as in "annoying") conversation with a fellow student in my Vietnamese class last Wednesday. It's been on my mind for a while, and I felt some strange impulse guiding me to post it here on EC.

So, there's an older student in my Vietnamese class, whom I shall refer to as Daniel, and we have been talking for about a month-and-a-half at this point. Daniel has served in the Navy for 20-some years (he's in his late thirties, even though he looks much older, to be honest), retired, and is now back in school again--quite commendable! Oh, and he's also gay. So, depending on my mood, I'll wear my rainbow bracelet every so often because I feel like it, so Daniel obviously saw that one day (like a month-and-a-half ago) and noticed.

Before last Wednesday, Daniel had described me as "unassuming," and I don't know about anyone else. But when someone describes me--or anyone else--as unassuming, my connotations are along the lines of meek, passive, and submissive; in other words, not the best connotations. On Wednesday, I asked him exactly what he meant by calling me unassuming, and he didn't mean it as an insult at all--but immediately started going on about how passive I am. I guess my "I'm-so-fucking-over-this-shit" attitude can be perceived as passive at times. Anyhow, he told me that he was talking about me with one of his friends that past weekend, and he described me as "almost virginal." Then, he proceeds to ask me, "But I don't think you are. Are you?"

I respond, "I am, but honestly, it's not a big deal to me. It seems like a big deal to everyone else besides me." He then asks, "Have you been in a relationship at all?" And truthfully, no; I haven't. Then, he starts to "analyze" me, or something. He said that he thinks I'm one of those people who has low self-esteem, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I pick at myself.

To which I replied, "Uh, not really...if anything, I neither destroy nor glorify my body. It is what it is."

Then, he starts giving me "tips" to boost my self-confidence, which included a lot of things. But I specifically remember him suggesting to me that I should go to the gym and "lose the baby fat" (he poked my body when he said that)--because that, if anything, will make me feel great about myself. But here's the kicker. Right after, he said something ironic that really pissed me off: "I hate how the gay community is just so image- and physically-driven." Which, to some degree, is true. But dude. You JUST told me to go lose some weight. You are in no position to say that because you're embodying that shallowness that you criticized.

So then, he starts going off about how great it is to be in a relationship--to have that physical & emotional connection with someone, and the companionship. And how much you learn about yourself when you're with someone. BLAH-BLAH-BLAH. SAPPY STUFF. I mean, I'm not gonna dismiss that because I do think people learn a lot about whom they are when they're with another person, romantically or otherwise. But ya know...I'm not going to go out of my friggin' way to make that happen. He then epilogues this entire thing by saying, "I'm only telling you this as an older brother figure."

Story over. Rant time.

What especially annoys me about this entire occurrence is that he genuinely led himself to believe that I was this lonely problem case who needed his help--because I certainly couldn't figure any of this out on my own; because without him, I was just another lost cause. The weight thing, I feel, is a personal issue for anyone--skinny, fit, fat, average, whatever. You don't talk about people's weight and bodies, and give them "tips"; I mean, I am very well aware that my body isn't exactly the most fit or thin out there, but I think it's perfectly fine. I have a small belly and an atypical figure (I have an hourglass shape), but y'know what? I like my body because of the very fact that it's different.

When I exercise, I absolutely refuse to exercise for my looks because I think that's a terrible impetus to work out. I feel good about myself after a workout because I know I'm doing something great for my health and well-being, and if my physical appearance somehow improves with my health, then that's cool, too. But that isn't my goal; I want to be healthy, not to look physically attractive.

And he basically told me that I must find myself a partner, which bothered me in more ways than one. I won't lie: it would be great to have a relationship right now; to have that companionship and support. But until that day happens (you know, when the heavens shine down on me with cherubs playing harps and angels lifting me to Heaven), I'm perfectly content with being single, because it gives me the time to cultivate myself, and to better myself; ya know, the entire mantra of "defining whom you are" before entering a romantic relationship. Basically, being single gives time to work on número uno: me. And here's my thing with relationships. My life isn't going to be put on pause until the day when Prince Charming (or whatever) enters my life; I still have goals to achieve and a life to lead, and my life will still exist before I enter that relationship. I want to have some vague semblance of selfhood before I find myself in a romantic relationship.

I mean, as recently as my Freshman year of college (I'm a senior now), I--like many others--was at the point at which I desperately wanted a boyfriend for that sense of companionship. But it wasn't until my senior year had started that I had a realization: that I should work on myself before I thrust myself into a complicated relationship with another person. And I have been doing that long before I came to that discovery.

I have a fantastic relationship with my siblings and immediate family. I've continued studying Spanish as a third language. I started ballet during my Sophomore year and have been practicing it ever since. I got myself involved in leading adult literacy courses and educating children of immigrants through free tutoring programs. I volunteer as a tutor/mentor for students in underserved communities. I spontaneously decided to pick up Italian and German just because I wanted to learn more languages. I'm currently learning how to play the cello without any formal education, and while I'm terrible, I know that I can get better with some time. I'm working toward a B.A. in English Literature and couldn't possibly be more happy with my major and degree.

I realize that that list came off a little arrogant and gaudy, but I really don't intend it to come off that way. The point is that because I'm single, I have the time and opportunity to pursue such a diverse range of interests. Because I'm single, I can improve myself and be a better person, and I can satisfy whatever silly whim I have. My life continues to go on even if I'm not in a relationship, and I won't be waiting for that relationship in order to finally start it; I'm leading a good life with or without it.

Anyway...then, to be presumptuous enough assume some "older brother" figure when he knows nothing about me? Dude, get the hell out of here, seriously. I have four older brothers, and the last thing I need--or want--is another one, because you're not helping me; instead, you're just being a toolbag doucheface who creates these fictitious narratives about people whom you hardly know beyond the scope of class.

To be fair, I am omitting the parts when he excessively compliments my personality. He said that I have a great personality, which is what counts most in any relationship (wow, I never heard of that one! STOP THE PRESSES EVERYBODY; WE HAVE AN INNOVATOR RIGHT HERE!). And you know, he's right. I do have an amazing personality, and for me, that's all that matters because that supercedes any bearing that my "flawed" physicality possesses. I lead with my smarts and my wit, and I'd rather identify myself with my intellect and humor because I know that those traits draw in the genuine, authentic people I want to have in my life.

Also, after he told me to lose weight, I went and had an 800-1000 calorie meal because I'm worth it.

Well, that was quite the manifesto for me to type out, and if you actually read it all, I gotta give you a huge "thank you" for putting up with the ungodly length!

 

Thanks, everyone, for responding to my lengthy rant thread! And I'm certainly glad that some people found this little event--and my reaction to it--rather entertaining.

To answer all the responses in one post...

Honestly, I wouldn't completely rule out the possibility of Daniel hitting on me. Even though he's in a committed relationship, he has, on several occasions, complimented me on my appearances, but like the socially awkward person I am, I gave him the benefit of the doubt I thought he was just being nice. Also, because he's in a committed relationship. But I try not to jump to that conclusion because I feel a little arrogant when I think that. :lol:

All my conversations with Daniel have been incredibly one-sided: on his side. While waiting for class--or during any time of the day, really--I prefer to keep to myself because I don't require that much social stimulation. I can honestly get on well enough with or without Daniel forcing conversation. Part of me does feel, though, that he definitely is trying to assert some sense of dominance over me--as well as the other students--because he's much older than us. So, he tends to ramble on about his life experience and about the things he's done while also emphasizing that none of us have really experienced life yet, and that a few of us are barely starting to enter the "real world."

I'll give him that point, because to some degree it's true; a lot of us haven't really had "real world" experience, but at the same time, it feels as though he's completely discounting us everything we have been through. Truthfully, he doesn't know any of us at all, and yet, he creates these opinions even though he isn't really aware of whom we know, what we've gone through, or how we've dealt with things. At times, it comes off almost as an insecurity because while he does stick out like a sore thumb, he compensates for the things he's seen and the things he's done--even though he only comes off as pretentious and condescending.

The thing about Daniel, though, is that I kind of believe that he genuinely thought he was coming from a sincere place when he was giving me this (unsolicited) advice. So, I was sort of put off-guard and didn't really know how to respond until very much after the fact. Perhaps I am passive, considering that I'm writing this to y'all instead of saying it directly to him. If he does try to give me his advice again, though, I'll be sure to let him know that he's overstepping his bounds. Whether or not that'll come out politely is a separate issue. :lol: Also, if things suddenly escalate, I'm not opposed to the idea of just telling him to stop associating with me entirely.

From the looks of it, though, it seems like he's been unknowingly exacerbating the situation. During a speech, I told the class that I was also studying German and Italian independently, and he--for a reason that I just cannot fathom--thought it would be appropriate to say that knowing more languages might help my "nonexistent dating history." I'm currently at the point where everything about him--his face, his voice, his presence, his very existence--can send me from 0 to 1000 instantly. I really don't understand how my dating life (or lack thereof) is of any concern to him, or how it has become a topic that he can tease me about.

I mean, I'll admit it: it would be great to have a boyfriend. And there are moments when I do falter quite a bit and feel an indescribable loneliness, and I really do wonder if there is a reason why I haven't even stepped close to the romantic territory. But at the same time, I'm well aware of the fact that a romantic relationship isn't going to remedy everything in my life, and it shouldn't suddenly make me love myself because I have to come to that conclusion on my own time and on my own terms.