Including myself

I had a really good LGBT group meeting this month. There are some regular attendees that I'm starting to get know, and I signed up to help plan the monthly meeting. I'm also finding out that a lot of the members and group leaders were in the same spot I was (in their 20's, newly out, no gay friends, never done anything on the gay social scene) when they started attending, so it's making me feel less self conscious and all in all better about spending time with this group.

Yet there's this one thing bothering me. It seems like the guys I spend time with, which include some group leaders, also get together outside of the monthly meeting. I see them talking to each other about what bar and what time or about the last time they got together. I also see new members exchanging phone numbers with them. It's making me feel a little bad. It's not a shallow desire to be a part of the 'in' crowd.

I'll go straight to my vulnerabilities. I don't have many friends and would really like some new ones. "Would really like" puts it mildly I have need/desire/yearning that every person has but it's not currently being fulfilled.

The second vulnerability at work is some hurtful memories from the past. I can remember my friends in high school going out and doing things and I wasn't included. This was at the advent of Myspace. I remember seeing pictures of my friends going out doing things. It stung. Seeing people making plans right in front me like I do now brings back those memories. It still stings. My reaction in the past was bitterness and shutting down on friendships, I'd keep acquaintances, but nothing too close. I'd also exclude myself. It was safer to assume I was not wanted and stay away or even leave unless explicitly told to come along.

I'm starting to realize that I need to take some initiative for myself. I can' just hang around and hope for an invite some day. And this is in general, I'm not referring not any specific crowd. I'm inexperienced and don't know how, let's say, initiate the exchange phone numbers or even let someone know that If people are doing things, I'd like to come along if welcome. I think my problem lies in not wanting to seem too eager and thus conceal my vulnerabilities. I also need to break my pattern of self-exclusion. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.