I really hate posting something like this because it always seems like I am whining but right now I have no one to talk to about this sort of stuff. I have become increasigly more and more depressed over the last year to the point I have stopped giving a fuck about really anything. My job is dead end and becoming increasingly hard to show up to. My repressed sexual desires are going once again to the top of mind. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I feel like no one could ever be attracted to me. I feel out of place in the straight world as well as the gay world and i feel like an asshole for trying to be a part of either. I always put on smile but its fake, phony and worthless. I really don't know why I bother anymore not that I would hurt my-self but man I feel like crap. I have failed to accomplish any of my goals and I know this is entirely my fault. I have let down everyone I care about. I am shy I don't trust myself in any social situation unless I am drunk then I do ok but when sober I barley talk. My friends are the only ones that make me feel better but I feel I have deceived them by acting straight and I don't really think I deserve them. I am going to tell my best friend I think (who I am attracted to.....FML) but am scared as hell to do so ( I have know him since I was 6) and in reality I don't think I can get the courage to do so. I haven't told my parents about me not being straight I am sure both wouldn't care (My step did probably wouldn't be happy but he's the only one). I just want to be happy again I used to be able not even think about this crap but know I have slipped into a place that I feel will eat me eventually. I am really sorry for the rant and the poor grammar it just feels better to get this crap out. Like I said no one IRL knows I am feeling this way to them I look and act the same this is getting to me finally.
You shouldnt hate posting threads like this, EC is an advice and support forum, its what we're all here for. I hate to be that guy, but i'll say it anyway...You're not alone in what you're going through. I for one am going through similar things, feeling out of place in both worlds, lying to friends, stuck in a job, etc. It'll be hard to build up the courage, but telling your best friend will help big time, i'm assuming, seeing he is your best friend, that he'll accept you no matter what and you'll have a release for all your built up feelings. I think that just having that one person you could talk to will help get you through these depressed moments in your life.
I've been there, and while it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're at the place, I promise you it exists. I got through it, and while it still comes back every now and then, I don't get trapped in that place. I know you have the strength to get through this dark place as well, just don't give up. If your job is dead end and not satisfying, then take steps toward looking for a new one, doing a job you don't want to do won't help you get out of this place. You will meet someone who is attracted to you. It may take a while, and you might have to go through several bad relationships before it happens, but it will happen. As for not reaching the goals you set for yourself, I'd suggest trying to break those goals down into manageable steps and doing one at a time - if those goals are possible to reach for you right now. I'll keep you in my thoughts and wish you the best, because like I said I've been in that dark place and I got out...so I know you will too. Hugs, you can do it.
Thank you for the replies. I know ill get through this I have went through a lot in my life already and I have never let it phase me, my dad being drug addict my step being a drunk and my mom being crazy but this for some reason has got me down. I am going to tell my friend and I think that will help and I think he'll be ok with it but he does crack a gay joke from time to time but we have known each other long enough I don't think he'll care and seems pretty open minded. It will feel good to let it out. My job while a decent one is mentally challenging I deal with complaints and angry people. I am good at dealing with other peoples problems just not my own. You give any other persons emotional baggage I can have them feeling better fast.
