1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Relapsed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Grendel, Oct 11, 2012.

  1. Grendel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2012
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    So a few weeks ago I posted on this forum to get my head cleared. Since than I was able to hold my depression back and the encouragement I received gave me the confidence to take part in NCOD. Set my alarm to play same love by macklemore and made sure it played really load so my parents heard. It was met by insults about how bad the song was and that the topic was bad for music and to turn that shitty noise off. (Cross coming out to parents off the list...... So I got to school feeling really depressed and a friend asked me what was wrong. At that point My mind took auto pilot and I just blurted it out. After I said it he got this questioning look that turned to disgust. He told me that I should have kept it to myself and not to show up at the lunch table today or he would tell everyone. Terrified at his reaction I ate in the library alone on the verde of tears. He rode in the same carpool as me so I had to take the bus home for the first time in 2 years and I didn't have a seat so I had to sit in the front. As a result the freshman laughed and made fun of me " a senior in the front seat! What a loser". Getting picked on by freshman as a senior! So I got home and was over the edge. In my last post I talked about how I had a brush with drugs but I didn't go ver it that much. I had abused oxy and to the point where when I ran out I went through withdrawal. I wasted so much money on it.... But when I got home I checked the places I used to keep it andanaged to find a pill one single pill. I am just coming down from it and I'm so ashamed. I told myself I would go near it again but I did. I didn't even remember I had it till today. I'm so alone depressed and I hate myself. Fuck national coming out day. I wish I had just stayed in my closet alone
     
  2. Crazyguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2010
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Western Canada
    Sounds like you had a terrible day. I'm very sorry your parents and friend reacted the way they did. You relapsed but that doesn't mean you can't get right back on track. Don't hate yourself. You're human and we humans make mistakes. All is not lost, just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back on the band wagon. Best wishes!
     
  3. Amicus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2012
    Messages:
    209
    Likes Received:
    0
    It must have been an awful thing to find out your parents and your friend aren't supportive :icon_sad: I'm really sorry for the terrible day you had. As much as possible, try not to let their reactions influence your sense of self. The important thing about this is the process of becoming secure in yourself, not getting desired reactions/results (which you can't control). Even if you didn't end up telling your parents, playing that song showed that you had the confidence--- even for just a brief moment!---to express a very important part of yourself that's been hidden. And then you told your friend! You might think it doesn't "really count" because it was absentminded, but most people who have constructed a fortress of a closet would never let their guard down like that. Give yourself credit for that confidence and vulnerability. You're leveling up as a human being.

    The bus thing sounds like it was dreadful too. But just remember, in a matter of months, you're out of there! This too shall pass. In even just a year from now it won't matter what some troll of a freshman said to you. Sometimes, the only way out is through.

    As far as the relapse goes, they're common in all recoveries, be it alcoholism, eating disorders, or self-harm. I think that people tend to think this means they're starting over from square one, but put it in perspective: how many days have you used the pills since you made the decision to get well? Just one. The number of days in which you have not used them still far outweighs your relapse days. Don't beat yourself up for slipping.

    Be kind to yourself. (*hug*) You deserve it after a day like this.
     
  4. Grendel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2012
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    So after yesterday I freaked out and didn't really know what to do today's I I went into super repair mode and added a moat and draw bridge to my closet. I went around all day acting like a bigot told my friend I was joking and I'm back where I was, kind of. Still ashamed of my relapse and now I feel like I took an even bigger step backwards by closing my closet door and installing more "fortifications". I mean, I can't think of anything else I could have done my I feel like my life was going to implode but I feel like I threw away several months of building my confidence. Did I do the right thing?
     
  5. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Is closeting yourself again a good idea? No.

    Let me put it into perspective. What you did today was effectively a temporary fix. I understand your reasoning for doing it, but I can't say it's a good idea. It's like using duct tape to stop a leaky pipe. It works for a bit, but eventually that leak will grow and the adhesive will wear off... eventually you'll feel worse and worse for keeping yourself secretive and it'll probably end in an emotional manner, whether or not it's a good or bad one. In this comparison, yeah, being bullied sucks, and yeah, your "friend" is a dick. But that's equivalent to getting a bit of water on the floor. Isn't it worth it to let it happen now and get it over with rather than drag out a bit of misery for a long time? Either way you get wet; at least one way you can dry off faster and move on.

    That said: Was your situation rough? Yes.

    Was it a good idea to relapse? No.

    Is it the end of the world? No. And you really, really need to remember that. People mess up all the time, addiction or not, and you are not the first or only person to do it, nor will this be the first or only time you do (not necessarily with regards to oxy). You can't beat yourself up over every time something doesn't go as well as you'd like. We all have those days. It's a good thing to feel a little bad, as a teaching tool to make us remember for better next time, but don't "beat a dead horse" so-to-speak - it won't do you any good in the long run.

    As for what to do now, it's obviously easy for me to say "you should stick to your guns and be out" when I'm not in your situation. So I won't tell you to do that. I will tell you that I think it's a good idea and probably worth seriously considering, and I will tell you that I am very confident that the more "closeted" you make yourself, the worse you will feel. Even if you don't feel it now, you'll feel it down the road, and that's a guarantee. You cannot live happy if you're lying to yourself, let alone everyone else around you. If I might suggest, maybe you could consider not necessarily proclaiming your sexuality to everyone if you don't feel comfortable, but you could take a small step in not deliberately acting straight or denying that you're gay. It's a little more honest and might make you feel a little better, which in turn might make you gather a little more confidence later.

    Here's hoping you're feeling a little better. (*hug*)
     
  6. Grendel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2012
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    You know what your right. I never thought of it as a temporary solution but it really is. I'm still depressed just keeping it hidden again and what my 'friend' did still happened and i really can't deny that so i guess I shouldn't be considering him a friend any more. I think I jumped the gun and I'm not comfortable enough to proclaim my sexuality to others. That doesn't mean that I have to blatantly lie about it to others and in turn myself. I just need to drop these things and not carry them as baggage. Thanks for putting this in perspective for me guys, I'm going to make some long needed adjustments to the way I look at things.
     
  7. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Also... don't kick yourself too hard over the relapse. As the saying goes, relapse is part of recovery, and as long as it was a single pill, and that's the end of it, and you aren't rationalizing reasons to use more, or go out and get more, you're OK. And if you do find any of that temptation going on, get yourself to an AA or NA meeting immediately, or if you have a sponsor call him/her and talk. Or, if that isn't an option, PM me or any of the advisor team and we'll help.

    What happened isn't great, but is understandable, and just let it serve as a reminder that you've still got some work to do on finding better strategies for coping with emotionally challenging situations.

    As far as coming out goes... your friend was a real dick, you already know that. It's possible he'll think about it and perhaps come around, but if he doesn't... then he wasn't a real friend in the first place (which, I know, sucks... but better to find out sooner than later.)

    So time will come, maybe soon, maybe a bit later, when you'll feel like extending yourself again. If you've seen any of my posts talking about Brené Brown and her work on shame, vulnerability, courage, and authenticity... coming out takes *incredible* courage, which, in turn, requires a willingness to make yourself vulnerable, both extremely important and admirable (and necessary) traits for someone seeking to be emotionally healthy. So you took some great steps.

    Even though it might not seem like this, be proud of yourself for taking the risks. We won't always "win" when we make ourselves vulnerable or take risks, but it is allowing ourselves to find the courage and be vulnerable that allows us to truly live and experience life.