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Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by greg56, Oct 12, 2012.

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  1. greg56

    greg56
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    I'm turning 56 next week. I've always had questions about my sexual orientation. I was sexually used pre-puberty...was curious about it all and then grew to like it(the sex, it was one sided). Any way...I did the right thing and got married (for 21 years) and now divorced and find myself fantisizing about men/guys. I'm afraid. Any advice?

    greg
     
    #1 greg56, Oct 12, 2012
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    Well, you're now divorced and free to play. :slight_smile: Is there anything specific you're afraid of, or is it just a generic "fear of the unknown"?

    Lex
     
    #2 Lexington, Oct 12, 2012
  3. greg56

    greg56
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    My ex moved in next door to me (with my help, which I now regret) So, I don't feel as free as I did....divorced about 3 years, and then became friends, nows she treats me like she used to and I'm acting toward her like I used to =giving into to her whims.

    Any way, I would like to try to be with a man, I have'nt really been by my own choosing with a man...in a romantic scenario...I want to be held and felt cared for. I want someone else to be the strength.

    Some background (sorry, I'm all over the place...but feel like having a breakdown...been crying for the last few hours.)....attempted rape once by a drunken roommate who had a knife...and molested by a Dr. once.(believe it or not...without my knowlege...till I got to the car) So, I'm afraid of being violated...but, at the same time I don't know how to tell if a man is gay.

    ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2012 at 11:11 PM ----------

    my romantic scenario sounds like what I felt when I was being used

    ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2012 at 11:15 PM ----------

    I also live in a very small town. My family(who would be shocked) has a very long history here, as in many generations. I live near a college town located in Central or the Finger Lakes region of Upstate NY

    ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2012 at 11:17 PM ----------

    The only person who knows ALL of my story is a former therapist who died from cancer last fall.
     
    #3 greg56, Oct 12, 2012
  4. Crazyguy

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    Welcome to EC!

    Sounds like you may be dealing with the past trauma you've experienced and should take things slow. I'm sure those terrible experiences have affected you deeply. You might want to think about some help to work through your past. The experiences you faced at such a young age can undoubtedly confuse you about orientation.

    Once you're clear, find someone that is prepared to take things slow. Sounds like you need to experience the intimacy with another man before you'll be comfortable with taking things further and that is fine.
     
    #4 Crazyguy, Oct 12, 2012
  5. Lexington

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    The easiest way to tell a guy is gay? He tells you. :slight_smile: And speaking way ahead of the game, I'm thinking that might be the best route. Your previous gay sexual experiences have been forced, non-consensual, and (if I may) "dirty little secrets". I think your next one should be as far from those as possible - unrushed, consensual, caring, and open. I'm not saying you should invite your ex (and the neighbors) over to watch or anything. :slight_smile: But I'm thinking it might be best if the guy were out, secure, and understanding.

    But that's an issue for another day. As CG pointed out, the smart move might be to work towards getting you to that spot where the caring encounter can take place. Was therapy helpful at all? Are you still in therapy?

    Lex
     
    #5 Lexington, Oct 12, 2012
  6. greg56

    greg56
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    still in therapy, but, it with a (guessing) 25 year old girl. I have an appointment this week where I'm going to ask for an adult male.

    One of my challenges lies in that I'm poor...living off of SSD...and have to depend on state run programs...which really is more of a hindrence than a help. I've also promised myself (after tonight) that I'm going to try to find an appropriate Men's group to join. I am physical isolated, but, I've also emotionally isolated myself....to an alarming degree. Your comments and suggestions have helped me a lot...I still feel very alone, but, at least I'm not crying anymore...THANKS SO VERY MUCH
    greg
     
    #6 greg56, Oct 12, 2012
  7. Chip

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    Welcome, Greg!

    I would suggest that the first issue you need to explore is the sexual abuse that happened in childhood. Even though it's ~50 years ago, it can have a really profound effect on how you experience the world, and, unfortunately, the layers of hurt keep building until you work through it.

    You really need a therapist who is specifically experienced in working with male sexual abuse survivors; the issues are very different than working with female survivors. You can have good experiences with either male or female therapists, depending on what's comfortable for you. Depending on what state you're in, there should be resources to find a therapist who can help you, and is knowledgable in male abuse issues, for free or very low cost.

    There is also a small but excellent online community for men dealing with sexual abuse issues that I recommend for people with these issues, and it can be incredibly powerful to talk with others who have been through similar experiences. I can't publicly give you the name of it, but if you send me a PM, I'll be happy to point you there.

    Finally, I can suggest a couple of excellent books:

    "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter
    "Victims No More" by Mike Lew
    Both deal with the issues of male sexual abuse and I think you'll find them very helpful

    "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort.
    Even if you don't identify as gay, this book (which, by the way, has little to do with finding real love, and everything to do with getting a deeper understanding of yourself) will help you understand a lot of the issues facing men who are questioning or gay or somewhere between gay and straight. It's lengthy but packed with very good, very accessible information that I think might help you better understand where you are.

    And, of course, talking about what you're feeling, what's going on for you, and asking whatever questions you have here at EC is also an excellent idea. :slight_smile:

    In any case, you're taking some great steps forward and I encourage you to stick around and continue sharing your experiences here.
     
    #7 Chip, Oct 13, 2012
  8. DryOasis

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    Hi Greg, I just wanted to commend you for taking steps to come to terms with your feelings. You're quite brave. Many would have just carried on and just ignored that (BIG) part of themselves.
     
    #8 DryOasis, Oct 13, 2012
  9. greg56

    greg56
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    Well to update....I felt fine for a while after talking with all of you. And then it came on to me again....just this flood of emotions. The crying and bawling I think came from my toes. I don't ever remember it being so deep and uncontrolable,and physically sickening. I started thinking I just want to be dead. NOT suicidal...I've dealt with that all my life..past it. So, called the national hot line...very nice person, and that helped me again. Fell asleep, and was fine this morning...when all of a sudden it hit again. I don't understand what's going on. Called a local hot line and they suggested some programs in my area and have counselors that deal with this very subject. So, hopefully I can hold it together till Monday.

    Ps. Chip, I wrote to you on pm...but, I'm not sure I did it right.
    Thanks again
    greg
     
    #9 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
  10. Rose

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    Hi Greg,

    It sounds like you have hit some kind of bottom and may be ready to grieve for some painful experiences. Crying and letting out some emotion is very healthy and I would urge you let it out when you are able to. That in combination with talking to someone who is well equipped to deal with what you face will really help you on your journey towards emotional health.

    Many of us here have been through some incredibly dark times. Being in deep emotional pain is horrible and can feel terribly lonely and is absolutely exhausting. Be as kind to yourself as you can. It is normal to experience waves of emotion such as you describe. There will be lighter moments- embrace these. Focus on what you need to function healthily. Take a short walk if you can, eat something simple and nutritious, sleep and rest.

    You will not always feel like this. In the medium term you will find so many resources to help you but for now take as good care of yourself as you can. You are going to make it to monday, but you might not always be able to hold yourself together and that is okay. It has to be.

    I really send you my love,

    Rose
     
    #10 Rose, Oct 13, 2012
  11. greg56

    greg56
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    Awww...Thank You so much Rose. I'm getting through the day, but feel sick and ready to burst again at any moment. I've been through moments simalar to this...but, this feels more like an abiss. I've come through them before, so have to believe this will lead the same way. The only and biggest difference is this web site...never been able to talk about it while I'm in the void. Maybe thats why it feels so deep.
    Thanks again for your kindness
    greg
     
    #11 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
  12. Chip

    Chip
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    For the majority of sexual abuse survivors, particularly those that have never really dealt with what happened to them, when they first start opening up to the feelings, it can be really overwhelming, so what you experienced is not only normal, but a part of the healing process.

    Just being validated that what happened to you was wrong, that you weren't at fault, that you can't blame yourself because you couldn't have done anything to stop it (you were too small), and were powerless is, in itself, a powerful and painful realization that stops the self-blame cycle and the notion that it was somehow your fault. So the strong emotions are part of that, and in the early stages of recovering from that, it sometimes feels like the emotions will be endless. But they aren't.

    It does take time to work through, and that's something you have to learn to give yourself is the permission to take that time.

    Additionally, when you combine that plus starting to think about your attractions to the same sex, that's a lot to work through. But remember also that you've been strong enough to get this far in life, so you'll be strong enough to get through this as well.

    The community here is great for helping people going through these things and can be a strong resource to help keep you "sane" as the feelings come up, so make use of it! :slight_smile:
     
    #12 Chip, Oct 13, 2012
  13. greg56

    greg56
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    I've been reading some of the other threads...it seems so strange that the stories and questions sound so familiar. There was one guy who claimed to be gay, but couldn't come out because of family/religion.

    I got to thinking about that....because there are two things I say I won't do. That is "come out" and confronting my "user"....why?

    Because I'm still trying to protect them from my shame/sin/weakness...from the things "I" did.

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2012 at 05:10 PM ----------

    I also had a "sexual" relationship with my best friend as a kid...because, I thought that's what everyone did...they just didn't talk about it.
     
    #13 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
  14. greg56

    greg56
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    I was able to view the videos that you had sent to me...but, now don't know where they went.

    Is there a way to put the videos in order on you tube?

    greg

    ---------- Post added 13th Oct 2012 at 08:01 PM ----------

    I got it, thank you
    greg
     
    #14 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
  15. Jim1454

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    Hi Greg and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this site - as I found it to be extremely helpful as I was coming to terms with being gay in my 30s after having been married for 9 years with two little girls. As my signature says its never too late to be what you might have been. Despite the hardships from your past and your current emotional pain, things will get better. And we're here to help. Feel free to write to me too if you'd like.
     
    #15 Jim1454, Oct 13, 2012
  16. greg56

    greg56
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    Do I really have time? I've mis-spent 55 yrs of my life in lieing, hiding and acting, pretending to be the perfect son, brother, worker, friend and husband...I've never been fired from a job, never had a fight with a friend and not make up and make the "friendship" stonger...in fact I have several friends from my child hood. Of course these friends never call me to find out how I'm doing. They only call if they need something...when I was a teen, I was fortunate enough to have a never(I mean never) ending supply of gas for my car...guess who was called when someone needed a ride, help or another car to carry the rest of the friends to the movies, and I never disappointed any one in bed...just as long as I made life more pleasurable for them. It was good ol' Greg!

    How would any guy feel being called "Sister" througout high school...yes, that was my nickname. And I'm still deathly afraid someone will bring it up as a joke.

    55yrs!

    My heart specialist gave me 5 - 10 yrs to live...this was 5 years ago...although I feel better now than in the last 5 years, I have that hanging over my head.

    I have the special honor of knowing that I've always put other peoples needs in front of my own. To make things right, peaceful to give whatever it was that people wanted of me to the very core of who I am or could have been. I can get along with anyone...because I can look at them feel them out and give them what they want, tell them what they want to hear...lest they find out who I really am.

    This is a very selfish thing to say, because its not that I didn't get anything out of it...after all, it was my decision to stay safe and distanced of who I was. For fear of more abuse, more words that would never break my bones, but would cut me to my core.

    The only thing I've ever done to be proud of is deny myself of who I am
    greg
     
    #16 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2012
  17. Chip

    Chip
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    There's no time like the present to change. And you've already started on that path.

    One of the mistakes people who are constantly a doormat for everyone else make is thinking if they do anything for themselves that it's selfish or wrong. Well guess what? You deserve time for you, and this is a perfect time to start taking it :slight_smile:
     
    #17 Chip, Oct 13, 2012
  18. greg56

    greg56
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    Jim
    I deeply appoligize..you are of couse right in your statement.

    I ranted for whatever reason...my thoughts are scattered right now.

    Any Thank You again Chip...for getting me back on track

    greg
     
    #18 greg56, Oct 13, 2012
  19. Lexington

    Lexington
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    EC is a great place for rants of any length, especially when someone is in your position. You've had this stuff bottled up for the better part of half a century, and now it's all spilling out. And it can be a bit like a festering wound - not necessarily the nicest thing to look at, and it might even hurt as it comes out, but damn if you don't feel better on the other side of it. :slight_smile: So feel free to get it out here any time you want.

    I came out when I was 21 or so. Just as (it seemed to me) the tide was turning, and it seemed being gay and out wasn't going to be a huge pitfall in my life. I could've stayed in the closet - I'm pretty masculine, I have a deep voice, I like sports, I listen to rock msic. But I decided I didn't want to dance around the subject. My friends talked freely about their dating life, so why shouldn't I?

    Maybe it's luck, maybe I just selected great friends, but I never had many problems with coming out. I'm active in the community, and I have a wide circle of friends. From businessmen to drag queens, from punk rockers to pro athletes. They all know I'm gay. And no one gives a rat's ass. That's a great feeling. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #19 Lexington, Oct 13, 2012
  20. greg56

    greg56
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    I'm ranting again. Just finished writing "My Story" on another web site. I also read some other's stories. I just feel now like its all a big lie...I'm a good lier, I've had a lot of practice. I could be straight, Bi, or Gay and it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't matter, In the scheme of things...I don't matter. None of the people who I've spoken/typed to would wonder or care by tomorrow. Everyone has their own lives/problems.
     
    #20 greg56, Oct 14, 2012
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