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My Feelings Are Getting To Me - What Do I Do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ConfusedRider, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. ConfusedRider

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    Ok, so here's my dilemma. I have developed serious feelings for my 'straight' friend, and I'm sure he felt the same (Sounds familiar you say). I think if anything he's bi curious. He's been sending signals that suggest he's flirting with me, even though he has a gf. Recently though he's been a tad distant toward me. The flirting has faded toward me and we're not talking as much as we did a few months ago. Its got to the point where if I playfully lay my head on his shoulder he shrugs it off, yet I see him doing it, nd other friends do it to him nd he doesn't mind. Tho, we still hug occasionally after seeing each other.

    He doesn't know I'm Bi or the fact I like him (as far as I know), and none of our mutual friends know either, so its unlikely he's been told. Once, when he stayed round in July, I was feeling down, and he asked my what was up. I very very nearly told him, but didn't because I said what I told him could ruin our friendship. He was ok with that. I wish now that I did because something tells me if I told him then it probably wouldn't be so bad.

    What is hurting so much now is I still have feelings for him and I'd still like to maybe tell him, but can't pluck up the courage because I worry he'll not accept it so well now as he may have done back in July. I also worry that I may lose a gd friend who I would still see on a regular basis. I was talking to a friend of mine who is openly gay, and he said he would be willing to tell him if I couldn't....is that a gd or bad idea??? :confused:

    I spend soo much time thinking and worrying about it that its really getting me down :frowning2: and I don't have any close friends who I can openly talk to about it. What the hell do I do???? :help:
     
  2. Pat

    Pat
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    Man, knowing what I know now. Being in love with a straight kid for all 4 years of high school and never telling him.. You just have to tell him you're bi. And let the rest fall. It's going to strengthen your relationship. He's on to you. And all those "vibes" you were getting, it could be more but what i've noticed with straight guys is that they use closeness to display affection with their bros also. So it's hard for you to say what's real and what's not real. He's not feeling the closeness with you right now because you're not telling him something. I think somewhere in our closet-ness, we think everyone around us is dumb and not on to us lol.. it's true. So I think it's an appropriate time to share that part of who you are with him. Doesn't matter how you do it, you can call him now, shoot him a text. And make sure you tell him what worries you about telling him in the first place, so he can really think it through and come up with a response that's not selfish.. sometimes they can think about themselves first if you don't set the entire mood. write him a good long text..hell, i've done one in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep and wake up to his response. Let him sleep on it. If you want to be a true friend, or lover or whatever the case, it all starts with you putting your cards on the table.
     
  3. Gravity

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    Instead of focusing on what you're feeling (which is important, but we'll get back to that), focus for a second on what you know - or don't know, as the case may be:

    You haven't told him you're bi; you don't know that he isn't straight; you haven't told him you're attracted to him; he has a girlfriend; he used to be okay with affectionate gestures from you but isn't anymore.

    Rather than focus only on the fact that you have all these feelings for him, it might be a good idea to think about why you're feeling so attracted to someone who seems so unavailable, in every sense of the word. It may sound counter-intuitive, but is the fact that you have so little to go on (and he's already taken anyway) comforting for you in its own way?
     
  4. Pat

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    This is very true.
     
  5. ConfusedRider

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    Thanks for your replies. Part of me feels that yes I should tell him, the other part says no.
    Gravity - I'm feeling a bit of a tool today, so I don't think I've fully understood the point you were trying to put across. I'm sorry :eusa_doh: Could you explain further?

    My other thought, like I said in the OP was that another friend of mine said he would be willing to tell the guy I like how I feel if I couldn't. Is this sorta thing advisable, or should it be avoided in fear of complicating things further???
     
  6. Gravity

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    Sure - what I had been getting at was, occasionally this feeling that we're attracted to someone who we don't really know all that well, who may not even be gay, and who is occasionally already seeing someone else, it has more to do with the fact that we want someone to crush over, even someone to imagine being in a relationship with, but not someone to actually be in a relationship with. There's nothing wrong with it, but it may be worth thinking about whether that's the case, and why holding the actual idea of the relationship at bay is something to be comfortable about.

    As part of this, I personally wouldn't suggest having your friend tell this guy how you feel. If you have the impression that you can't tell him yourself, then having someone else do it is just circumventing the issue instead of solving it.
     
  7. ConfusedRider

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    I don't believe I'm in a situation that I want someone to crush over....even without the apparent flirting on his part, I've fallen for him, because he's funny, has a gd personality, VERY good looking. I'm just so ashamed to come out to him OR tell him how I feel because I worry what he will think of me. This gf of his, he met her after he started to hang out. I might be just imagining things but like as Pat said, is this recent distancing himself from me because he suspects something? I have been feeling down around him and worrying about our friendship and wonder if this has contributed? It was so clear that there was something there going on what he was doing....I've read enough forum pages on the subject about flirting behaviour etc
     
  8. ConfusedRider

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    You say he's on to me? I guess you mean that you think he knows and is jus waiting for me to say it? I can't figure out whether to tell him I'm bi or tell him I have feelings or him. Or say both.... :confused:
    I've jus spent the last hour chatting to him about general stuff like that I really value our friendship nd apologised for being down at him lately etc nd he seemed ok. He's gd to chat to, he's jus not great with touchy feely stuff thats all.