Hi everyone, I need advice. I have very strong feelings for a good (supposedly straight) friend of mine, and am really unsure of how to proceed. We've known each other for almost two years now, but have been friends for a little under one. We work together and have spent quite a bit of one on one time talking. We both enjoy each other's company and I have the feeling that he has feelings for me, but I'm also aware that I may just be projecting. I developed a small crush on him a few months ago as we've been getting closer, and now it's getting to the point where I'm having trouble focusing on anything but thoughts of him. He tells people he is straight, and I know for a fact that he has slept with a few women we both know, but there is also a lot that tells me that he is at least curious. The problem is, every sign or hint I'm seeing could just be an exaggeration, just seeing what I want to see. Anyway, here are some of the things which lead me to believe there is a chance. We occasionally have to take a 2 and half hour ferry ride for work events, and will usually carpool just the 2 of us. On the most recent ferry ride, we decided to get a little bit stoned on the trip over. Unfortunately this makes accurately remembering events a bit more difficult. We drove onto the ferry and spent a while just sitting together. At one point he tries to reach for something in the back and has to move closer to me to reach (it's 1 giant seat, an old truck), and ends up practically sitting on my leg. He retrieved whatever it was, but didn't move back to his spot. We sat there for a few minutes, talking like everything was normal, our faces only inches apart, no discomfort with direct eye contact. I'm not sure if this was some kind of (really subtle) move, or if we were just stoned and he was too lazy to move back. He did eventually move back, and then a few minutes later we were talking and he responds to something I said with "well it's a good thing I'm bisexual" or "that's why I'm bisexual" or something along those lines. Was that a joke? A more obvious hint? I froze, trying to figure out what it could mean. After a couple seconds of awkward silence he followed up by saying "I'm not actually...", then really quietly he muttered "...maybe one day." I'm half convinced I'm making up that last part. But I remember it. So much uncertainty... Later on that day we were eating dinner at a group event and were seated opposite each other. There were people speaking, but we kept looking at each other. More than glances, or at least I saw it that way. At one point he held my vision jokingly, like a staring contest or something. Maybe a way to justify looking at me that way at all? I'm sure he is conflicted, as am I. We went out drinking later as a group and spent most of the night talking amongst ourselves. At one point, we were walking and he started just randomly poking me. Probably just drunken friend behaviour. There was a fair bit of physical contact though. Misleading shoulder-taps, pokes, arms on the shoulder... I don't know. On the cab ride back he sat in the middle seat (we filled the cab up), and was full on leaning on me. We were pretty drunk I guess, but he had very little contact with our buddy on the other side. It was a nice ride, I wasn't going to complain, but I definitely felt like there was more than incidental contact. We slept in the basement of a friend of ours in sleeping bags - he was totally comfortable stripping down to his underwear. He is quite attractive... In the morning we went on a quest to find his car, we had parked in one of hundreds of grey parking garages. We had breakfast together at a diner, and he ordered a pink lemonade. He encouraged me to order a strawberry milkshake. We both had these pink drinks, and then he suggested we share, also wanted to share one coffee "to save money". None of that could have any meaning, but it felt like it did at the time. After breakfast I came up with an excuse to take a later ferry home (he was staying behind a few days), and he seemed happy to continue hanging out. We went back to his mom's place for a bit to pass the time. Guess what? His mother is gay and lives with her same-sex partner. He seemed totally open to it; there was no discomfort (she has only been out for 6 years). This means he has likely already confronted his thoughts on homosexuality and probably doesn't have any prejudices. Yay! The rest of that trip was relatively incident free - I had to take the ferry back by myself which gave me lots of time to go crazy thinking about all this. Outside of this trip there have been signs. On multiple occasions he has asked me if I thought pairings of guys were gay. Like, we would be driving and see to guys walking side-by-side and he would just ask me "Do you think they're gay?". I would respond jokingly, but I'm thinking now that he may be asking that to probe for my response. He is definitely comfortable being in close quarters, and has been the one to initiate physical contact more than me. This raises another question; could he just be so straight, that he isn't afraid to act kind of gay? Probably not the case, but I have to consider all possibilities... A couple days ago he came over to my place so we could talk about business (we are considering going into business together in the near future). We talked for like half an hour, then switched to other topics. We basically just chilled, watched videos, and talked about stuff. After two or three hours, at his suggestion, we went out to dinner together at a place around the corner. During dinner he spontaneously asked me if the waitresses might think the two of us are gay. I never know how to respond to questions like this; all I could muster was a maybe. He went on to say that he would be the 'twink' since he is smaller than me, had ordered a salad and lemonade, and had a little heart on his shirt. Whereas I would be the 'bear' since I'm taller, had a beer and fries. Now, these are not very well-known terms, are they? I'm only vaguely aware of their meaning personally, so as you can imagine I was a bit stunned. I spent a couple seconds trying to muster a response when he declared, "I'm not gay. I'm going to sleep with this girl this weekend", referring to a girl he had just started hanging out with, but has admitted to me he doesn't really like. This seems to me like another probing attempt, with a quick cover-up when I didn't give him anything in response (I wish I could throw out my own hints, but I always freeze up...) He has been sort-of-seeing this girl he knows from childhood for the past couple weeks, but has told me he really isn't that into her. This theme of sort-of-dating girls is recurring. Maybe a show of his attempt to cling to heterosexuality? So damn confusing. Now, I've done a lot of reading on this subject. I know most people recommend skipping the subtle hints and just going for it, or at least coming out to him. But there is just so much I could lose. If these hints I'm seeing aren't really there, and he isn't open to a relationship then this would likely cause the friendship, if not to dissolve, to become stilted and awkward. Plus the timing is terrible. He is moving at the end of the month to the mainland, where we will be separated by 4 hours travel time. He has mentioned to me that we should look into moving in together; he has even rented a 2-bedroom just for this opportunity. This wouldn't be for about a year though, I've got commitments here until the end of next summer. He's told me to come visit him, and we're going to stay in contact of course, but any kind of relationship probably wouldn't work. I would be happy with anything at this point though... sitting here alone and uncertain is just too painful. I've offered to help him move, and I'll likely crash at his place for a few days - he said we should go explore the city together. I'm really looking forward to this, but it also marks him moving away so it's kind of bitter-sweet. Anyway, my question now is two-fold. One, is he gay/bisexual? Curious? Interested in me? Am I totally imagining all of this? And two, what should I do now? Should I start dropping some hints? If so, what kinds of hints? Should I be more overt? Or should I just let this go, at least for now? I've never come out to anyone before, and deny all allegations of gayness on reflex, as conditioned by public school, so even hinting would be hard for me. But I've never felt this way about anyone, and the thought of letting this slip through my fingers is depressing. If you managed to read through all of that, thank you. And thanks in advance for any responses, all input is welcome.
In my opinion it does sound like there is a possibility that he could be gay or bisexual. Something stupid that kind of stuck out to me was that he knew what a bear and twink was, lol. Those are definitely not common knowledge among straight guys. At the same time though, having a gay mother makes it seem like he would be ok with himself if he was gay and not be in denial of it like you suggested he might be for whatever reason. And when he said he was bisexual that one time, he could have been testing it out on you, but since you froze and didn't say anything, he probably took that as something negative and denied it. And yeah I think you should start dropping hints, it can't really hurt. Afterall it seems like he doesn't have any problem leaving things open for interpretation. Go along with some of the stuff he says/does in a more positive and "flirty" way. You'll never know how he really feels unless you start reciprocating back to him a little bit or ultimately admitting that you're bisexual so then the ball can be in his court since you've laid your hand on the table. He seems to have already tried that one way or the other, but you left him hanging a bit. lol
My god, sounds like your in a very similar position to what I am.....allbeit a couple of diferences. Sadly I can't give you any sound advice because I have absolutely no idea how to deal with my dilemma either but could compare notes....
This sounds very similar to my situation except there's been no contact in over 2 years and our friendship was getting worse before we went our separate ways. I’m not very good at giving advice but all I can say is that by what you have said he is definitely interested in you. If I was in your position or had another chance at mine, I would give hints away like looking at him and making eye contact more. Maybe you could get drunk with him one time and mention that your bi and see what his response is or bring up what he said when he was stoned about being bi. You could try looking at other guys when he is around so he can catch you doing so. I know you don't like the idea of coming out to him but by what you said you two seem close and are much better friends than me and my friend ever were, so there’s a good chance that if he isn't interested in a relationship he would accept you and remain good friends. I wish you all the best in this situation as I know how tough it is, I just wish I could have done more in mine but you still have a good chance. Just don’t get to the point in which I am in of regret.
Based on what you wrote, I think he's curious, likes you a lot, and because you're not really responding he's then dialing it back (oh no worries I'm going to see this girl this weekend) to avoid embarrassing both of you. I think he's also taking opportunities to see how he would feel about being seen in a relationship with a guy (the restaurant thing). On the bear/twink lingo, with everything on the internet and on tv today he could have just picked up the terms without it meaning anything at all - or not - could have been used in discussions between his mom and partner too. As much as you're not comfortable with it yet, I'd say do come out to him when you're more comfortable. Just come out to him. Since he's the one making what could be interpreted as advances, once you confirm your bi-ness he can move to the next level, or just continue to have a cool bi friend. Or maybe next time he's climbing over you to get something out of the back of the truck, say something like "you know, if you keep doing stuff like that, I might think you're trying to tell me something - and by the way i'm not complaining at all" .
At least it looks like I'm not imagining things. Now that I have a bit more confidence I think I'll start throwing some hints of my own. Not necessarily saying anything overtly, but at least reciprocating his advances. Maybe just initiating some physical contact here or there. I don't think I'm ready to just come right out and say, "oh by the way, I'm bisexual." But maybe if we can get more comfortable with each other an opportunity will present itself. It's funny... I hadn't realized how self-defeatist I was being. I mean, it seems fairly obvious now that he has been making some attempts, and I've just been shutting them all down. Not intentionally, but he probably sees it that way. Recently (apart from the whole bear/twink comment) he has seemed to be dialling it back a bit. Hopefully I didn't ruin my chances :eusa_doh:
I am going through something similar at the moment, and the feelings are torture! There's the guilt that I love a girl who may not have the capacity to feel that way about other females, the sense of betraying our friendship every time I hug her and my heart explodes. There's the joy when I think I see something in her eyes and the despair when it hits me once again that this is not how reality works. But the feeling I'm most ashamed of is the constant thought that, if she were ever to reciprocate, it would be my fault that she'd been exposed to a new world of much more complicated and painful feelings - I know you cannot, in reality, "turn" someone, but my mother's endless talk of "the paths we choose" and all the other hurtful crap is clearly getting to me... :icon_sad: It would be hypocritical of me to tell you to just go for it, but I'll go ahead and say it anyway! GO FOR IT! If you do it subtly, it shouldn't cause any problems and may cause happiness! Good luck!
Thanks sky, I think I'm going to have to. I'm realizing that I don't think I can continue being friends with him if I've also got to live with this uncertainty. It is affecting my life too drastically, and causing too much pain. I figure if I make a move I'll at least know one way or the other. And even if it is rejection, I'll be freed to start looking elsewhere and will be able to pursue a regular friendship with him (if he isn't completely weirded out). There is no good option here, but I think, at least for me, that this is the lesser of two evils. And hey, it could actually work out! Your fear of 'turning' her definitely seems unfounded to me. If you were to make a move on her, and she doesn't shoot you down, then it is because she too has feelings for you and is willing to express them. If she does shoot you down, then you know she either isn't interested, or isn't ready. If it's the latter, at least she KNOWS that you are there for her, and doesn't have to live with the uncertainty that is plaguing you. And if you're worried about waking some dormant homosexuality in her that she isn't aware of, well... if it exists it would have to come out at some point right? Either that or she would be repressing it and living a lie. So you'd really be helping her to accept who she really is. I don't see a lot of risk there. I think, really the only risk is of damaging the friendship, but I think if you are close enough with the person, and you know they are accepting, then the risk is probably pretty minimal. If you go for it and she does turn you down, you can tell her that now you know and won't pursue it any more. Tell her you will of course respect her wishes and that you would really like to remain friends. I mean, nothing has changed other than the fact that you both know something that only you knew before.
