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A complete mess right now!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RueBea85, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. RueBea85

    RueBea85 Guest

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    I'm Canadian eh?
    Okay so I first came out to one of my lesbian friends way back in June and then I came out to my sister a couple weeks after that. (as lesbian) I've not come out to anyone else yet. I thought that coming out would make things easier but now I have a lot of doubts.

    For me to develop feelings for somebody I have to have some sort of emotional/ intellectual connection with them. In my life I've only really had a crush on one guy before, a real crush but I think I was around 12 or 13 years old.

    I've had many crushes on my past female teachers, a couple female supervisors at work but never have really had a crush on a girl my age.

    To make things more confusing for me I've never been in a real relationship before, I mean I had a boyfriend when I was 11 but I don't think that really counts, and then I kissed another boy when I was about 16, and I felt all the butterflies and nervousness. I do remember feeling a little weird after kissing him but maybe that's just me trying to change the way I remember it.

    Oh and I've never really been friends with a guy before. I've had guy friends in elementary school, and I have two male roomates who I hang out with, but what if the reason I haven't had a crush on guys is because I've never been close to a guy, as I've been close to a girl.

    How do I know if I'm just not interested in having a relationship with a guy or that I'm just scared to develop a relationship with a guy because I've never been in a relationship before?

    I've just been thinking about these things a lot, maybe this is a phase and maybe I will have to meet the right guy for me. I genuinely feel like I'm just crazy. But then I think about the person I could marry and I could see myself marrying a woman, though I'm not entirely sure. This is normal right? Or am I just crazy? :bang: :confused:
     
  2. rx79g

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    It's normal and you aren't crazy. It's very common for people to feel confused and mentally flip-flop a bit. I'll try to share some thoughts and things that have helped me in questioning.

    First, memories are notoriously innacurate. Our minds have the ability not only to modify memories to fit out current understandings, but also create them entirely from scratch. Mor commonly known is our ability to supress memories. My point is, especially when you are stressed and worried about your sexuality, don't put a lot if trust in your memories unless you can verify them. For example, I wouldn't trust your memory of feeling weird because it sounds like something that's been added based on how ou feel now. Of course I'm not a mind reader or a therapist so take that with one giant grain of salt, but it's worth thinking about.

    Do you ever have dreams about one sex or the other? Dreams can be a decent, though not foolproof, way of seeing what you are attracte to without your concious blocking you.

    One way that I found really useful in determining sexual orientation is to put yourself in the mindset that you're a lesbian for about a week and see how it feels. Think about it like trying on a new pair of pants and walking around a bit to see if they're comfortable. After doing that then do the same thing but in a straight mindset. While you're doing both of these, notice to whom you are attracted, whom you fancy, and which feels more comfortable. For example, I did this and actually never stopped the "gay mindset", it just felt easier and less forced so that helped me a lot.

    It probably goes without saying but don't come out to anyone more, or if you do come out in the context of "I think I'm a lesbian, but I'm not sure but I needed to tell you and be open about it". That's how I came out to my first person, and as "I think but I'm not sure that I'm gay".

    I hope any of this helped, if nothing else know that you're normal and certainly not alone. Most people on here have gone through feeling how you do. (*hug*)
     
  3. pinklov3ly

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    I was confused for a very long time before I eventually accepted myself as a lesbian. I've known for years, but I denied my feelings for so long, which left me in my state of confusion. You're experiencing feelings that are a normal part of the coming out process and it's awesome that you're out to to sister :thumbsup:

    Just allow yourself to feel, embrace and express what you're feeling. It's such a huge relief once you're able to be yourself. I'm 26 now, so I'm almost 99.99% sure that my feelings will not change. I can most definitely see myself marrying a woman, not a man. I guess that's why I've always been opposed to marriage. I just couldn't see myself being fulfilled being with a man. I've always felt like, I was missing something and I know what that is, I'm going after it. Just follow your heart :slight_smile:
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Oct 13, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2012
  4. RueBea85

    RueBea85 Guest

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    Thanks for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not going totally crazy. I just want to know now if I'm gay or even bisexual, or straight. I know for a fact I'm not straight. I have heard of people having crushes on people of the same sex but not doing anything about it, and living a straight life. Being happy married to someone of the opposite sex. What if that's what would be okay for me? How would I even know?

    I usually only dream about the person that I have a crush on, or someone I feel really attached to. But nothing normally happens in my dreams. I do feel emotionally more connected to women, but I'm not sure again if that is because I've never really been close to another guy before on an emotional level. I always think the right man just has to come along. But then another part of me thinks that if he hasn't come along already than he never will. Maybe it's just wishful thinking?

    I don't really know what my heart wants at this moment I just truly feel really torn right now :/