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You really must be gay....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by cscipio, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. cscipio

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    Has anyone ever encountered a very well meaning straight friend (doesn't help I find him attractive) make an innocent comment on stereotypes and your sexuality that just rubs you wrong?

    I was at a friends this evening drinking and watching shows. I mentioned that I was taking my mom to a murder mystery party in a couple weekends. In the conversation I said I like taking my mom to plays, musicals, some opera, and so on. He and his fiance were there and he blurted out "Man, you really must be gay" and laughed lightly. I laughed it off. 99.9% of the time I'm a big "words are words" kind of person, but the way he said it, entirely unintentionally - mind you, really just hit me wrong.

    It was almost dismissive and condencending. Anyone else have close friends who just say shit wrong to you? No intent to hurt or argue, but just say it in such a way that reveals that they, in a way, don't get it? He meant absolutly no intentional harm, maybe the drinks are making me sensitive. Thoughts?
     
    #1 cscipio, Oct 12, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2012
  2. Emilyann29

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    Yes! A few people have said a things of the sort. But almost the opposite of that, almost like i'm not really gay.
    Or like i am only going to be gay for a short period of time, not forever. I cant think of specific examples right now but just little things here and there.
     
  3. awesomeyodais

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    As much as my gut reaction sometimes is to be upset at those comments, I usually find that it's more of an awkward attempt to show they're totally ok with it, that they think they "understand" us a bit better than the average redneck, etc :wink:. Good intentions doesn't always give good results.
     
  4. cscipio

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    I agree with you, I'm not upset as much as I find the way and tone he said it as showing inner character that doesn't quite get it.
     
  5. Chip

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    I have straight friends that say that sort of thing all the time. I take it as a compliment and/or humor, and dish it out right back in return... if they're wearing an ugly shirt, or show horrible taste in decorating or something, I'll say "Wow, it's pretty clear you're straight" or such.

    And among my gay friends, we're always saying "That's about the faggiest thing I've ever seen" and the like.

    The stereotypes exist for a reason. Go to an opera, and a huge percentage of the male audience members will be poofs. Go to a musical theater show, and probably most of the single guys there will be poofs (along with probably 80% of the male cast members) I'm pulling numbers out of my ass to make a point... the stereotypes really are pretty good predictors of a lot (but not all) gay men.

    I just embrace the stereotypes. I find them funny, and both my gay and straight friends constantly reference them... even though in many ways I'm the antithesis of gay culture (I definitely didn't get the fashion gene, or the interior design gene, and I hate the club and party circuit.)

    I think the more comfortable you get with yourself, the less this sort of stuff bothers you. :slight_smile:
     
  6. J Snow

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    Yeah, I have friends that stay the stupidest stuff. My oldest friend who I have literally known as far back as I can remember constantly (and I mean constantly) says stuff like "That's gay as AIDS," and his favorite insult is calling people "cock sucker." I just try to ignore it, but I'm extremely non-confrontational. I'm not recommending my lack of action for others.
     
  7. Emilyann29

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    Yah both my best friend and my sister say "thats gay" and i know they are not doing to be hurtful but its like really... Use your brain for a sec. But i understand that they just arent thinking of it that way be ause they are consciously calling gays stupid, its just the current slang for "dumb" which is highly unfortunate
     
  8. Vasilisa

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    depends on how they say it guess... if they say it in diminishing way or show you in the light you dont want to be seen in they yea i can understand how that can make you feel uncomfortable.
    I guess when people stereotype in a way you dont like that hurts. As in i am extremely feminine and a lesbian and when people that dont know anything say stuff like "oh do you feel like a man?" it pisses the fuck out of me. I usually throw something sarcastic back at them.
    But then again anytime i see my ex gf at work i cant wait to say "roses are red, violets are blue... you look gay! She hates it but i am just teasing.
     
  9. fatalmoon91

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    hmmm...i don't really know of any o my friends doing this...my family has, but then again when its family there are moments when they look at me and I'm irritated lol.

    although some of my friends have said things to me that i know other people would find offensive. they also have moments where the stereotypes make me laugh until i feel pain lol. best moment ever was when i was still coming out, and i was talking to one of my college professors and a small group of friends. i said something stereotypical and my friend just looked at me and said "your rainbow is showing"
     
  10. cscipio

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    You're right, Chip. I usually dish it right back and take it entirely as a joke. I think I was just having a bad day yesterday.
     
  11. Pat

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    The pet peeve is the "phase" thing lol. Where they say, "hey Pat, you don't look gay or act gay" I actually identify that with saying i'm not AS black because I use proper grammar. lol. Okay, the latter will get your ass kicked. Anyways.. I think you have to kind of roll with the punches a little bit, but not if it's making you feel a certain way. Kind of evaluate the situation, like you did this evening and say, ehh.. we were drinking. Just because someone is being receptive to you doesn't necessarily mean they don't have hatred somewhere in them. In this case, I think he just expected it to be a funny thing to say based on a stereotype, I don't think it had any intent. Not unless he follows this up with a pattern of things. The last thing you want is for people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells when they are around you. If you're witty enough to strike back, do so in a light manner or just laugh it off.
     
  12. JillandJill

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    Absolutely. Here are two instances, and I have only come out to like five of my friends.
    Once, I had Natalie Portman as my desktop, not even a sexy photo or anything, and my friend said "Why do you have...? Oh right, you're not a normal girl."
    And another time, I said something about how hot Naya Rivera was, and tell me anyone gay or straight who disagrees, and my friend was like "Ohhhhhhhh, riiiiiiight" and there was just sooooooooooooo much said with those two words, it was incredibly awkward. Neither time any harm was meant of course but it did totally rub me wrong.
     
  13. Pat

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    She's packing a little punch if you ask me lol. But I know that girls can get away saying more shit than guys can lol. I would have taken offense to someone saying I less of a man as a masculine guy. And the oh right thing would be similar. lol.