My ex boyfriend is starting to pursue girls again. I can hear his facebook messenger going off as he talks to a girl. I told him he could, because we cant have sex, because I realized I only want sex with girls. Sex with him feels like a chore or obligation, a checkmark to tick off in a box. I have to live with him, we are too poor, so I have to watch him go off and find some new girl and theres nothing I can do about it. I have no other close friends and no family. I should be fine with this but Im really angry, sad and jealous. Im afraid he will abandon and forget about me completely once he is in a new relationship. Its already happening I think, I was at work all day and he said he would buy groceries and cook dinner. But I got home and he did neither, just flirted with this girl on facebook the whole time. Its not like I could have gotten food, my money is for next months rent and I have 83 cents in my bank account. Our communication is breaking down and I dont know what to do.
I'm sorry to hear about this - I've actually been in this precise situation before (living with an ex for financial reasons, one of you starts dating again), and it's definitely no fun. When you're stuck in this scenario, I've found, the best thing to do is establish some really clear boundaries. "We won't do such and such when the other person is around," or "we won't pursue such and such until we move out," and so on. The point isn't to surround each other with legions of conduct rules, but just to clarify the situation - leading up to, and just following, a break-up is an incredibly confusing time in a relationship with somebody, in some ways even more than when you started seeing each other. When you know you aren't supposed to understand them yet, it's a little easier; but when you feel like you're supposed to know them, and things are confusing again, it can be really frustrating. How is your communication at the moment - as in, can you have a decent conversation? Do you think you could ask him to sit down and hash out some sort of working plan for the remainder of the time that you'll be living together?
Yes we can still communicate. We both kind of talked about it and both want to start dating new people. Obviously he most likely will find a girl first though, because he is in school full time and meeting lots of people, and I was a massive closet case up until 3 months ago. Its only fair to let him no matter how much it hurts. I told him to turn off the sound on his facebook messenger at least. Obviously we cant bring girls home or anything. Also the fact that we are still living together and still best friends will probably bother a lot of people. We have a very close bond, we are both aiming to be professional dancers and were best friends before we started dating. (Unfortunately our dance form is male dominated so it won't make finding new girlfriends easy for either of us!) It just scares me to see distance grow between us. I guess I have really bad abandonment issues. *As a side/humorous note, the girl he is pursuing says "likes men and women" under her facebook profile, and also says she's "married" to a girl. I think he has a problem being attracted to bi/queer girls or something *
This guy has been your life and you describe him as your best friend. In that context your feelings are completely understandable. You are probably right about the abandonment issues. I relate to that a lot. I was very closeted and lived with my ex boyfriend for ten years. I could not bear the thought of losing him and held on to our relationship for far longer than was healthy. Over time you will come to accept that there will need to be a shift in your closeness in order for you both to form future romantic attachments. But for now, be easy on yourself. Your feelings are real and make perfect sense. It will help if you are able to move towards connecting with other people, either old friends or new. Is it an option where you are to join some kind of support network, or group counselling for people who are coming out? It is hard but bear with it as you will not feel like this forever. Keep posting and reaching out. Best, Rose
I understand and feel your pain. I started seeing my ex boyfriend again due to his brother's death. We've been broken up and I've been dating women. He's oblivious to the fact we cannot be together, but I love him. I'm just trying my hardest to be there for him, but he's getting the wrong impression. I can understand how hard it must be to still live together. I did that for a while and things became tense. I know things are hard right now, but hang in there. I think if he was to be a bit more discreet you'll feel somewhat better. He probably feels the same way as you, and he's trying to find someone fast to fill a void, but do u think it's a good idea to start dating while you still live together? I mean, it could work as long as both parties agree to be sensitive to each others' needs/wants.
@Rose I will look into group counseling I guess. I did join a lesbian coming out group a few times during the summer but I cant even stay for the full session, and its hard to get to because its not on a main bus route. I also would rather be around people my age if possible, mid to late 20s and early 30s. For some reason there arent a lot of resources for this age group. As for dating, Im not sure if it can work while we are still living together. I personally am just trying to get used to APPROACHING girls at all. Any friends Ive had over the past 6 years or so have all been straight men/boys for some reason (is that part of being a super closet case? :eusa_doh: ). Although there is a really cute girl at work that I am out to, that I gave my number to last night. Don't know if she is into girls but she didnt seem weirded out by it so....
I'm with ya on the "not many resources for this age group". I'm early 30's and feel so old compared to the others at different LGBTQ groups....
And me... I'm 34 and I can't find anything near me to access. We're not alone here but it would be sooooo nice to be able to connect with people for real.
