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Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by newhere, Feb 3, 2008.

  1. newhere

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    Another one of those should-I-come-out-or-not questions....

    As I'm 32 and have never talked about a girl friend let alone brought one home, my parents obviously know that something isn't quite normal.
    For a while we had what amounts to an unspoken "Don't ask don't tell" policy where we just didn't talk about anything relating to me and sexuality/relationships. I didn't really care and I was more or less fine with it.
    But recently, especially after my sister got married and starting having kids, every time I go back home or we speak over the telephone they start up one of these passive-agressive talks where they pick some random gay celebrity, tell me how disgusting they feel that is and then turn around to tell me that I really need to get married and have children.
    I took all of that and swallowed down my pride but it's gotten to a point where I don't think I can go on like this. The problem is that if I do come out, they are very unlikely to be supportive or even accepting. So part of me asks : is it really worth it ? Is it worth coming out to people that you're certain won't support you, just so that they can stop being passive-agressive and sart being agressive-agressive ? (I'm being a bit sarcastic here). Problem is that I think the only other viable option at this point is to more or less freeze up our relationship alltogether.
     
  2. justjoshoh

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    First do the costs of coming out outweigh the benefits?

    If no, the relationship now is not healthy for you. What do you benefit in by continuing in this relationship where they, intentionally or not, demean your existence? At some point, we all have to end up treating our parents like adults and tell them something that they aren't going to like to hear. The thing is, in this case, that what they do not want to hear is the truth.
     
  3. Brett

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    I honestly think that it's unhealthy to keep all of this pent up. You are finacially independent of ur parents it looks like, and the worst that they could do is not support you. But it doesn't look like they support u much now. So unless there is something else happening here that either we don't know about, or even u don't know about. I say tell them, but ease them into it first. Talk about being gay as a good thing or at least not a bad thing around ur parents to help get them into that mind set. That's some advice that I've recieved and I find it very helpfull.
    Tell us what you decide when u make ur decision!
     
  4. Suede7

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    "Newhere"

    It's interesting to listen to you.........fact is, your story is too familiar to most of us! Yup! add 10 more yrs. of this "psycho babble" and that's me. I came out at 42, tired after years of being the bystandard of the "straight boy club" gay jokes. I work in the construction industry. Try that one on for a while.......it sucks!! So, I totally feel your pain!! I will also make you this promise. As you near your "awakening" ( the point at which you realize you're pretty sure you're ready to come out), the noise in your head will get louder & louder. It will prepare you and give you the power to say "I love myself enough to be authentically me!!" No longer, will I settle to live my life for others!! This will be the point at which you will really begin to live.
    Once there, you start to get it! "The Power" you will receive by virtue of "coming out" will have such a profound effect on you. Many describe it as "surreal", "out of body", "happiness beyond my wildest dreams". So ask yourself.........why would you deny yourself that much happiness? I am here to tell you "YOU ARE WORTHY".
    In your own time my friend but I see a "break-through for you on the "horizon"

    As for "support", I want you to know in my short time here at "EC" there's more support here than most of us can fathom!! That's a promise & a statement of fact!..............hard to beat. :icon_wink

    Stay Strong & Press On!!

    Suede7
    Delray Beach, FL.
     
  5. newhere

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    Thank you all for your kind support.

    You're right - my head is spinning. One moment I'm positive I want to come out and then the next I'm not so sure anymore.

    That the thing I'm still trying to figure out. On the one hand it would absolutely be great if they were understanding or at least somewhat accepting. That could potentially take our relationship to a new and much healthier level.
    If on the other hand they aren’t accepting, it would create a whole bundle of new problems and would heavily influence my relationship with other members of my family. And I don't want problems my parents and I have to get in the way of my relationships with anybody else in the family.
    It's like my emotional side tells me to come out and hopes for the best and my rational side says that it's probably not going to go well and to therefore stay in.
    My emotional side wants to think that my parents will surprise me and will be able to accept me for who I am and be fine with that. My rational side tells me that they are far more likely to be disgusted and suggest I get reparative therapy for my "illness". :bang:

    I still have bit of time until the next scheduled visit back home so I don't have to rush things at this point. I'll keep you posted and let you know when I do come out.
     
  6. Louise

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    Is there someone in your family, your sister for example, who you could talk to first? Many people here have chosen to come out to one or two people who they feel will support them before coming out to family... gives you someone to fall back on.

    Look at some of the 'older' peoples posts here, they all seem in agreement... at some point in your life you have to accept who you are and let people know that so that you can LIVE your life to your full potential. Many people talk of the 'wasted' years.

    The time that has passed you cannot have back, you can only move forwards. Do it in your own time, at your own pace and do it for yourself, not for others.

    You can help your parents by getting them resources, here or from Pflag. Would their shock, shame, disgust, whatever really be enough to lose their son over, if so then maybe you are better off living your life without them.

    I as a parent find that inimaginable but I see here that some people do have to make that choice. Ultimately this is your life and you can't live it souly to please other people, even if they are your parents. Yes other peoples feelings and opinions should be taken into consideration but they should not become a deciding factor.

    Whatever you decide we will always be here for you. Good luck.
     
  7. Suede7

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    Newhere,

    Good morning! Ok this is progress............I see you're doing some thinking. Did I hear optimism in your "post". This is good news for you. Remember "thoughts become things!". Keep those thoughts flyin!! :eusa_clap There's an "Out n Proud" ( hard to believe I know) man in you on the horizon. Not a promise, just a fact. :eusa_danc Remember you choose the time and place........just make sure ya let us know. We wanna be there to celebrate !!! (!)

    Hang in There!!
    Stay Strong & Press On!

    Suede7
    Delray Beach, FL.
     
  8. tayana

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    Hi Newhere,

    This is something I struggle with too. I'm not out to my parents, and I really never plan to come out to them. The truth is my current relationship with them isn't healthy, and coming out would only add to the problems. I get a lot of pressure to "find a man" and "get married" and I stand firm with my "I don't need a man" stance. I'm sure they suspect. My mother makes all sorts of passive agressive comments when she hears about someone she likes being gay. She makes comments about my choice of music, etc. I would love to come out to my family, but I know they won't be supportive. I also have a child, and I'd rather my parents not fill his ears with a lot of poison about homosexuality just to spite me.

    I just wanted to offer you the perspective of someone who chose not to come out. It's really rough, and emotionally very draining for me, but I've established boundaries with my family as far as involvement in my life. I'd rather they have as little involvement as possible. My personal life is a forbidden topic with them. I'll discuss superficial stuff, but nothing more. It invites a level of involvement that is stifling for me.

    If you think there's a chance that your parents might be supportive, I would go ahead and do it. My parents aren't supportive now. I'm still being "punished" for moving away from them, so I know they won't be supportive about this.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    As Just Josh says, at some point we need to treat our parents as adults. It sounds funny, but it's true. If you've come to accept that you're gay, good for you! Be honest and tell your parents that it is what it is, and you won't be getting marrired and having kids, so stop asking. This becomes their issue - not yours.

    Then you'll need to set some boudries about what you are and are not willing to talk about. If then can't abide by those rules, THEN you stop speaking with them. But you'll have at least given them a chance, and you've relieved yourself of this burden and it's THEIR choice whether they want to 'play'.

    Good luck either way. We're all with you. Keep use posted.