first let me say i posted yesterday and only got one response-so if you are reading this and have any insight please help! im a 33 year old male who has been using alcohol and drugs heavely since i was 12. im in early recovery now and im going to face whatever pain and discomfort i have to because i had enough of that life. let me ad i also grew up in a very messed up home and suffered every type of abuse but sexual-so i think i was pretty messed up very early on. i might have an emotionalbproblem or two-lol! seriously though. i have been in a whole lot of sexual relations with woman but only really 2 relationships. the one now has been 5 years with 2 beautiful little girls. however i dont know if my emotional attachment is not good because im wounded or my sexuality is the issue. its been on my mind so heavy and obsessive its unbearable and i cant get to my therapist for 3 weeks. when i was 8 or 10 or so i perfomed oral on 2 little boys in my neighborhood. also in the last couple years i let a guy give me oral cuz he was giving me drugs. i also remember trying on my moms pantys and clothes when i was a kid. physically i really like woman but im thinking something might be there with guys though or im just ashamed of my experiences. i do really feel comfortable talking with guys but im kind of a people person. my mom was a horrible alcholic mother too so that could be why emotionally i loose interest with woman but enjoy sex. ive never really said to myself that guy is hot-but have noticed certain guys i feel drawn too and its kind of weird(let me say my dad left when i was 2 also) so i might just be wounded and dont like being close to guys im so confused and wondering if i back off my relationship of 5 years with my kids mon and try to figure out my orientation or what the hell is going on please give me some help here especially if you can relate or you are a professional. thank you so much for this website!
tinkerbuchanan, I'm sorry I can't relate, but I may be able to give you some general advice. First of all, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It couldn't have been easy picking yourself back up after so much trauma, but congratulations on moving forward with your life. So, you mentioned that you are physically attracted to women, and there is potentially something there with men as well. Now, you can certainly correct me if I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that as you were growing up, you were taught that "straight is normal" and homosexuality was a taboo subject. Society is getting a lot better these days, but this kind of thinking does still exist. The thing you have to remember about sexuality is that you were born with it. Events that occured throughout your life may have influenced what parts of your sexuality you expressed, but it is what it is. It's possible that with all of the things going on in your life and all of the societal pressure, you suppressed your attraction to men. It's easier to go with the flow and express your attraction to women (because you are attracted to women) than consider anything contrary to popular norms. You very well may be able to live a happy and fulfilled life with your wife and kids, but it's important you try to find your sexuality for what it is. Getting to your current dilemma. The easiest, simplest explanation for what you are feeling would be that you are bisexual, but it is likely not that simple. Sexuality can be extremely complex. It varies from person to person. I know that I am definitely gay, but for some people, it is not so cut and dry. For some people, sexuality is fluid. If you haven't already, I would suggest you do some research about sexuality and the gender spectrum. There a lot of helpful resources online with diagrams that help illustrate these things, and maybe you can find some answers there. I hope some of this helps. Ever since I came to terms with my sexuality, I have spent a lot of time online looking for answers, and though they all aren't there, it's a good place to start. If you have any gay friends, talk to them. Those of us who have finally come to terms with our sexuality know how confusing it can be, and you'll likely find some answers and support.
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't see your previous post. I can relate a lot to you. I am also in recovery. I know for me, I had to really look back and try to remember what I was interested in and drawn towards when I was younger. I remember wanting to 'experiment' with a friend, but my attempts at it failed, and I felt really ashamed. I was always wanting something like that, but it never happened. I remember looking at girls, but I don't think it was ever quite in that way. I would watch porn, and eventually was only imagining myself as the girl. I am fairly masculine in a lot of ways, so it was never obvious. I was drinking and doing drugs since I was 12 or 13 too. It got really bad when I was 15 with opiates. I was taking heroin to school with me, and working all the time to pay for it, and did this for years. I ended up getting in a relationship with my best friend, because she loved me. I loved her too, but I don't think it was ever in the same way. I still love her. The problem though was that I spent all those years that most people learn things about themselves, like their sexuality, chasing drugs. When I started really trying to get clean, at some point the questions came in. They overwhelmed me. I tried experimenting with a guy that I knew was gay, and although I liked it, it was hard to enjoy it behind her back. We were together for a couple months short of 5 years. no kids though. When I finally told her what had been bothering me, with 'I think I might be gay', she broke down in tears. It was the hardest 6 months emotionally, because I wasn't sure, and was fighting figuring it out, and not wanting to lose her if I wasn't gay. I still sometimes question it, but I am far more certain now that I am gay, and am happy that I ended it with her before making it go on longer and just hurting her more later. We text each other every now and then now, but not real often. It sucks because we were great friends, but she is doing good now on her own, and I can live my life they way I was meant to. I am happy with it. I can't tell you if you are gay or not, only you can figure that out. First though, I think you should give yourself some time. You said you are in early recovery still, and now is not the time to be making any big decisions, especially if its bordering impulse. Life gets a whole lot better in recovery, so please don't lose focus on that. That being said, I had to believe that I was addict, and thats why I did what I did. Despite having emotional problems from childhood, I couldn't blame it on anything. Same with being gay. Its just the way I am, and learning to live with the person I am as been the most beneficial thing to me. I hope you do find your answers, and keep your sobriety. Let me know if I can help any.
