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Help coming out to my depressed girlfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ryan the human, Oct 14, 2012.

  1. Hi Everybody, my name's Ryan.

    I have been hiding from my sexuality for years. I have been pretending that my sexual attraction to men was something I didn't need to accept and deal with. That is, until I accepted it, privately, and very recently. I came out to my best friend as Bi on Friday. I don't know if Bi is where I'll stay, I've met a guy and honestly, never felt more attracted to someone in my life. The girls I've dated never evoked half the passion in me that I feel for this boy. But I still have an attraction to girls too. There's a friend, a beautiful girl, who I skype with on a regular basis, just as friendly chat. I still feel the attraction I've always felt to her. For now, Bi is where I'll wait, while I decide if there is a more preferable label.

    I feel like I've crawled my way out of some dark cave. I've never felt so free, accepting this side of myself. I honestly think I could sit down my closest friends, or my parents, and just come right out to them. I love my friends and know they would support me. My parents will make a big effort to show support. They're not holding me back at all. But I have a girlfriend...

    We've been dating 2 1/2 years. She has experienced every possible disaster a girl can have in her life already. Her dad died. One of her closest friends has about 3 months to live. Her best friend moved across the country. Nothing she ever tried to accomplish went to plan so far. She's been depressed on and off for years. She's a cutter. She moved 18 hours away for school. No, I don't know why she thought that would be a good idea. Now she regrets it frequently, and feels like we're drifting apart.

    The truth is I don't know if I ever loved her the way she says she loves me. In the beginning, she said she was "falling for me." It was very early on. This is only my second relationship, which immediately followed my previous disaster, a whirlwind romance that left me financially and emotionally depleted, while she cheated on me for months. I have certainly been trying to love her since we met. I think I felt pressured, and maybe even a little desperate. Now here I am, 2 1/2 years and a thousand fights later, accepting a part of me that I've never dealt with before, and subsequently accepting the nature of my relationship, which I've also never dealt with before.

    I've long felt like we had to stay together, at all costs. I've been unwilling to accept that we might not be compatible. I've wanted nothing more than for her to be happy, and only now am I accepting that that wish is not enough to make you love someone. A relationship cannot thrive solely on good intentions. I've had a million opportunities to leave, but convinced her that we should be together, every time, like it was a reflex. For the first time in my life, I'm accepting that I probably should never have made this commitment. It's one of the most painful things I've ever had to admit.

    So I come before you, people of EC, asking for your advice. How do I tell my poor wreck-of-a-girlfriend that our relationship has been, for me, one gigantic effort to actually care about her, AND that I'm attracted to men? Is there a way I can do this that won't completely destroy what's left of her self esteem? I realise that I can't spend my life trying to save or fix someone. I realise I can't spend my life walking on eggshells. I realise you might think I'm not giving her enough credit. If that's the case, tell me how I can respectfully tell her the truth, and tell me how I can avoid feeling like I'm about to ruin her life...

    -Ryan
     
  2. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    That's a tough situation. There's really no easy way out. I guess the best thing to do is stay with her until she breaks up with you, and then tell her.
     
  3. Really? :/ it would be better for her to break up with me? Is that because she would feel like she had the power in the end, so that she doesn't feel so slighted?
     
  4. emopuppy

    Regular Member

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    I've had a sort of similar situation but at the same time much different. My suggestion to you is to wait for her to break up with you. Maybe become distant with her. After she breaks up with you, I wouldn't tell her about your sexuality. It would make her blame herself. That's just my position though.
     
  5. I think you might have a point. It might be better to not involve her in my sexuality, our relationship problems should come first, if I take your meaning?
     
  6. Flow

    Full Member

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    IMO, honestly is the best way to go about things like this.. Why keep her strung around when she could possibly find someone else? It's not fair for you, and it's not fair for her. At the end of the day, you know her better than any of us on here, and you will know the best approach to go about this.

    Good luck.
     
  7. Do you think I'm a horrible person, for trying to make it work for so long?
     
  8. bubblehead1230

    Regular Member

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    First of all, I'm happy that you are content with your sexuality. Hard to believe, but many struggle with that for so long. Now, as far as your girlfriend goes, this is a tough one. I applaud you for caring about her so much, but a relationship is not all about one person. It seems as if it has been built around her and her problems and you trying to be the hero. I have come to learn the hard way that there is a difference in loving someone and being in love. I have to agree with flow, it isn't fair to either one of you to continue this way. Especially if you are having to further supress who you truly are for the gratitude and sanity of others. No, that doesn't make you a horrible person, it makes you human. You care for her and do love her so of course you would want to make it work, but sometimes it's not ment to be that way. Hopefully, with time she can come to understand that you are coming from a caring side and not trying to hurt her. Anyway you decide to go, best of luck to you and keep your head up!!!(*hug*)
     
  9. I really appreciate your comment, Bubblehead. That is about as frank and true as you can get. My dad always thinks he's going to "fix" his girlfriends, its not a far stretch to say I probably have the same issue. I think I'd either like to have as positive, or as little an impact on her as possible. Because I do care about her, and want nothing more to be happy. I've just... never considered what that means for me. Thank you again, you've given me a lot to think about.
     
  10. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    You're in a tough spot for sure. But dragging it on longer likely doesn't do anyone any favours either.

    How fragile is your girlfriend? Does she have any support where she is? Is there counselling services that she could access at school? Is the cutting an issue right now?

    While I think you should likely let her know how you feel and as a result let both of you move on with your lives, I also don't think you should kick someone when they're down. I'd encourage her to get support and help where she is first to help address what is currently bothering her. And once that is in place and helping, then perhaps you need to have the discussion with her.

    And it doesn't mean that you need to go into your orientation, although that might in fact make her feel better. It really isn't about her, but it's about you. It isn't that she's a bad girlfriend or not worthy - but that you're not really wired to love her that way.

    Hope that helps. I've been there. I also thought that she was more into me than I was to her - and I chalked that up to girls vs. guys. But then later I met the guy that eventually became my husband, and the emotions were VERY strong - as strong as I suspect she felt for me.