Hey.. This is my first post so I don't know if I'm putting this in the right place or whatever but I really need some advice.. I'm 18 and I just started college, I'm way out of my comfort zone, I'm away from my family, close friends and I'm basically starting afresh, I'm living in a house with 4 guys I didn't know of until I moved in, their alright but I'm used to only being around girls as I mainly have "girl" friends.. And my excuse for that was that I grew up without a father and had such a female influence in my life.. Anyways, I got asked a few times in secondary school if I was gay/bi and I would always deny it.. I'm so shy in this new city, and I'm wondering if this is down to the fact of keeping my sexuality a secret.. I think my family and friends would be accepting of me, but I don't know where to start in coming out.. And the idea of coming out scares me, what if I never find happiness, whereasif I stayed closeted, I could love a girl (not sexually) and live a happy life, but maybe If I came out I would view things differently.. I'm not sure on how much sense I'm making here but my head is all over the place and I really need advice.. I would be so grateful.. I'm scared and feel so lonely, iv never had a proper relationship before and coming out is one step closer to it right? ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 02:32 AM ---------- Its so badly written I'm sorry I was just writing whatever came into my head.
Hi welcome to EC I once had the same thoughts as you when I was a teen, although I actually hated the fact that I was gay and was self-loathing all the time. I was adamant that I would keep my sexuality a secret from my family and friends, find a girl to fall in love with, marry and have kids living happily ever after. Well, now I can say that it was just ridiculous of me to even think that. I knew that If I had gone down that route, it would have meant living my life as a zombie being unable to love a girl sexually and keeping up a charade on a daily basis. Which is essentially what does happen unfortunately, after having read lots of stories on EC of gay men who married women for years but eventually could not take the pressure of lying anymore. They ended up divorcing and are now trying to start their lives as their true selves. I think it is very important for you to consider that it probably won't be a happy life if you decide to go down this route. You don't have to come out all at once you know, as if there was a flashing bill board of 'I'm gay' splattered across it. The best thing to do is to come out to 1 person who you feel can trust. A close sibling or a best friend perhaps? Then as you gain some confidence, come out to a few more people so that you begin to build up a support network when things get tough. Maybe you are not ready yet, thats perfectly fine. The most important step that needs to be done is to accept yourself for who you are, which I'm assuming gay because you said that you could not love a girl sexually. It is very easy to fall into depression because of internalised homophobia. I understand your fears about leading a gay life. Its not as terrifying as you may think, trust me :icon_bigg Try not to think about relationships for now because you need to work on yourself in the meantime. Although I'm yet to be fully out, I feel so much better than I did before when I was in the closet. Its thanks to EC and the people here for their support and for sharing their stories. I hope you stay on EC and interact with like-minded people. Hopefully it will help you become more comfortable with yourself ^^ Stay strong! (*hug*)
Welcome to EC! The general rule I give is that people should come out to the most important person first - yourself. Once you get a better grip on your sexuality, and accept it, it becomes easier to start coming out to other people. So that'd be my advice - start working on yourself first. Get used to begin gay or bi. Hang out here a bit more, and interact with some of us - sometimes, doing that can help remove the mystery and mystique of being gay. And try it on. Just try "being gay" or "being bi", mentally, for awhile. See how it feels. Lex
