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what.... exactly am I?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MarilynLove, Oct 14, 2012.

  1. MarilynLove

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    This is going to be a long story but I need someone to hear it...

    First off, I apologize for not posting in the introductions i wasn't sure how exactly to say hello without going into exactly why I'm here... I'm a confused and PO'd 21 year old girl with a huge heart, a lot of love and a lot of frustration. I'm here because i don't know if I'm a lesbian or if I'm bisexual... it may not seem like a big deal to some but it tears away at my soul and consumes my daily thoughts... I mean... how is it possible that i don't know? I'm here this moment because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep; feeling like a total freak and did i mention completely lost?

    I have no one i can confide in. My best friend is no help and she's so painfully straight she can't relate to ke in the slightest. That and she never knows what to say. I have no gay friends, no bisexual friends, so I've literally not spoken to anyone about this since i was 13 years old.

    I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for 3 1/2 years. I do love him... but idk how to explain it... the topic of sexuality never crossed my mind until i was 13 and a game of truth or dare with my best female friend at the time permanently put me in a state of misery and confusion. She started something... a game of intimacy if you will until we were 16 it was and always has been our secret. My boyfriend knows and he's okay with it. But I don't know if i am. I am very attracted to women and the occasional man. Sometimes I'm into my boyfriend and sometimes the idea of being intimate with him (or any man) registers in my mind as "eww no!" Literally yesterday i saw the new cosmopolitan magazine and one of the headlines said something about different places to kiss a man and my immediate reaction was "Ugh! No" i just don't know anymore. I was fine when we first started dating but after the second year i have no interest in our intimacy... but there's no question on whether or not i love him, i do very very much but that's what confuses me so badly... i wish i could be more informative but 8 years of bottled up crap is trying to escape at once.... I'm so sorry for rambling. I don't know where else to turn maybe someone here can relate or offer advice... I'd appreciate anything.

    Much love...
    Me
     
  2. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    You sound exactly like me. I figured out I was halfway between bi and gay. I don't like sex with men though, but I can appreciate an attractive man, I can fall in love with a man and I dont mind making out with men.

    It took a lot of "fantasy exploration" to figure this out, if you know what I mean:icon_redf
     
  3. channel48

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    It's okay to be confused and not sure. I went through the same thing I didn't know if all I wanted was girls or I wanted both. Based on what you said about how sometimes you want to be intimate with a man and sometimes it's just "ew no". I would say that you lead towards women more because you said you never were grossed out by the thought of being with a women. I went through that too. I'm not saying you are a lesbian that's just based on what you said and personal experience. There a various form of bisexual. You could be bi and prefer women more but would still be with a man. Just remember you're not a freak okay. Maybe you love him but you've been with a guy for so long that you want a girl in the bedroom now. You can still love and care about people without having to be intimate. Don't worry about rambling it takes a lot of words to describe being confused about you sexuality (*hug*)
     
  4. Just1Dude

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    Hi Marilyn and welcome to EC!

    I found/find myself in a VERY similar situation. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 3 years as well. I know I love her, but I came to realize I didn't love her "like that" as in a sexual/marriage/kids relationship. I have strong sexual feelings for men and women, but I know that with her it just wasn't there anymore.. at least sexually. So, as hard as it was I had to let her go so I wouldn't be leading her on anymore to a bigger heartbreak down the road.

    It sounds like, if you do consider yourself bisexual, that you lean more towards the ladies and that is just by reading your post. "I am very attracted to women and the occasional man." answered that one for me. I am not the best at giving advice at all, but (in my opinion) really do some soul searching. Can you see yourself with your boyfriend sexually for the long run? Just remember that there is another persons heart at stake. I am sure you are an amazing person and he would be really hurt to lose you after so long : ) That is the question I asked myself in regards to my girlfriend. I knew that I was too "mixed up" in my mind to be able to be fully invested.

    Please, please don't take my advice to heart ..but maybe some time away so you can figure out what exactly you are okay with would be the best for you and for him?

    Just know that you are you.. you are not a freak, you are a person with feelings and worries like the rest of us!
     
  5. MarilynLove

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    Thank you... everyone!

    For the first time since... well a long time ago i feel like i can breathe. Just knowing I'm not alone is a huge relief!(&&&) I do believe i lean more towards ladies :wink: I can even think a little more clearly now. As far as my boyfriend is concerned, if we were to be married... i could live with that, I'd be as happy as i am now. The problem is, i don't know how happy i even am. I do know i carry a lot of hurt with me and i don't know where the hurt comes from. I don't know if its from like i said bottling EVERYTHING up over the last 8 years. It seemed like such a small thing but the more i talk and read about everyone here the more i feel like I've been far too quiet for far too long. Maybe i just got so used to feeling like this I've accepted it as normal. To be honest, the thought of ever being without my boyfriend makes me nauseous.... and so does the thought of being with him forever and never having the chance to try properly dating a girl.
    The few times I've brought up taking a break with him has never ended well. He says that if we take a break that's it we're done for good and that really strikes a cord with me. The reason i don't push that topic is because i have no self esteem and never have. I'm afraid if we take a break i won't know how to explore other options or figure out who i am and the thought of dealing with this heartache forever wears me out. I'm more afraid of wasting his time and hurting him more if i can't come to a decision on us.
    I am trying to get out of my tiny town and travel to california to meet new people and make new friends and connections... hopefully find myself a little more... could that actually help?
     
  6. Faeyth

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    Hello there! Check out the term 'biromantic homosexual' :slight_smile:
     
  7. climbingivy

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    Yes! Once you start developing one part of your life, everything else seems to follow.

    It sounds like you really do love your boyfriend, but you may have some more living to do before you can fully show up to a relationship. By no means am I saying that you have to or should do what I did, but I just thought I'd share with you since our situations seem similar. I was in a relationship of four years and thought I was happy, but couldn't tell for sure. Last spring I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend of four years. Ultimately, it seemed we had learned what we needed to from each other. I realized that I was not going to be able to experience my full sexuality and self while remaining in the relationship. The time came for us to grow in different directions. It has been a rough few months and I still love him very much, but I can feel myself getting far stronger than I ever would have had we stayed together. My sexuality is also becoming clearer to me now that I can discover who I am on my own time.

    Just an idea, have you talked to your boyfriend about the possibility of you experimenting with women within the relationship?

    More than figuring out your sexuality, I think you're too young to give up on a dream for the sake of avoiding pain. Pain is going to happen no matter what, so go ahead and make bold choices.
     
  8. Luke Matt

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    Hi Marilyn! :grin:

    I think I know what you're going through. I am emotionally attracted to chicks, and the idea of having a relationship with one is really enticing to me. On the other hand, though, I couldn't imagine being sexually intimate with a girl; that, I reserve for guys only :wink:

    Biromantic homosexual sounds like the logical explanation (I think I'm one too! :confused:)