Approximately 6 years ago I met a guy at a job. At the time he was 18, and I was 24. He was beautiful, shy, and interesting to me, and I was openly gay. As the typical story goes, it turns out he was very sheltered (home schooled, religious) and had never had a gay friend. It took him a while to get around to talking to me, but as coworkers he tried to get along. Eventually we became close, we really clicked, and had much in common. After about 3 years, we were very close, we did everything together, and it seemed I had an awesome friend. While there were some uncomfortable conversations (born of his ignorance and personal convictions due to religion about gays) we worked out these issues, because we really enjoyed one another, and remained friends. Fast forward a couple more years and we had shared so much. We had worked together at 2 other jobs, gone on road trips, laughed and shared so much. I felt we were very, very close. However, his girlfriend was always an issue. It would take a few paragraphs to explain what a miserable, jealous, selfish, vindictive little bitch she was (and was the source of several of our fights), and it was the one thing we couldn't come to terms on. It was her goal to be rid of me (and any other friend of his she didn't like), and as all good things go, our friendship came to an abrupt end. Its been months since we have spoken (and we disconnected over something trivial) and I find myself missing him. I'm sure I could give him a call and we could go back to being friends, however, now that I've been away, I have some clarity. One thing that never sat comfortable with me is that he avoided all gay media. If we planned a movie night, any media that had 'gay' subject matter, he refused to watch. Brokeback Mountain was out of the question. Milk. Any LGBT related documentaries. The list goes on and on. Virtually any other genre was cool including Christian movies, and overtly gory independent Asian cinema (and as much as I hated it, I would give it a chance), but never every anything gay, and certainly nothing that questioned religion (Bill Maher's Religulous being another) As I sit here typing this, my feelings are mixed. I miss all the good things about our friendship, but feel as though I've moved forward (and with good reason), and should not look back. However, I feel like I could be missing out on something good, even if it means contact with his wretched girlfriend. His resistance/complete and utter disinterest in gay media lends me to believe he has some deep rooted homophobia that I'm simply better off without. It was perhaps the strongest indicator that the shiny happy times were not meant to last. I think I've already convinced myself I'm better off without in this closing paragraph. I guess some friendships just are not meant to last.
I sort of know what you're going through because my brother was with a real (rhymes with bunt) for 5 years and she drove a wedge between us that's still taking time to mend. Luckily he's not with her anymore but I feel like he chose her over family and that's just wrong to me. She had a problem with my sexuality, and it's not like I wear it on my sleeve or anything my mantra is live and let live. But it all started when she told me to "shut up" in my mother's home, you don't tell me that when you're not family or have a ring on your finger. And to top it off she had a 2 year old demon spawn that my brother took care as if he was his own and she would use her child as leverage to get my brother back during the numerous breakups they've had. Sorry, I seemed to have veered off course here. If you friend was a real friend he wouldn't let anything come between your friendship, not a girl, a fight, a twinky. It seems when we make friends and start relationships of some kind with others we're blind by some things or we just dismiss them even if it bothers us because it's not worth making an issue out of. Only when the relationship is in trouble do all the problems come bubbling up to the surface. I think you're better off without him in your life if he's going to deny you and not accept your community. I say let him make first contact if anything if he wants to be friends again but be sure to stand your ground and tell him "if we're going to be friends we're going to watch movies and do things I want to do too, this isn't a dictatorship".
The point of this thread isn't so much to discuss the emotional sabotage of his wretched girlfriend, but rather recognizing the signs of things that friendships can often cause you to ignore. I see so many threads on these boards (I've started a few myself) that revolve around making, maintaining and appreciating friendships. We all want to be loved, we all want friends, and we all want to keep them, even if things sour. The conundrum for LGBT is that as much as people can sometimes 'preach unconditional love' and liking you for who you are, if they cannot accept you for being gay, then they cannot accept you, and are not worth your investment of time. Looking back on it with a clear head, I can see that his 'repulsion' or 'avoidance of gay media was the most blatant signal of his true feelings. If you can watch violence, blood, gore (he loved violent gory Asian cinema) and every single possible atrocity a human can inflict on another in the entertainment medium, but you have to pause, question and fervently avoid 'gay' material, then you have issues. Its not like I was asking him to sit down for an XXX flick and watch guys gang bang. So if you have a close friend and you want to come out to them (but you dont know how they will react), just rent some movies with gay themes, and see what happens. Thanks for posting.
