Designer clothing addiction HELP!

A friend of mine, when I first met him 8 years ago (he was about 20 then), had a very similar problem. Like you, his parents had plenty of money and he could afford things. He would not think twice about dropping $2000 on designer clothes, shoes, and such. He had clothes in his closet that he'd never even worn.

He described it much like you did, and he used it as a "crutch" when he was feeling down or depressed or anxious... except he soon discovered that the "rush" didn't last very long, and he was pretty quickly back to feeling shitty again. So the "rush" from shopping temporarily alters brain chemistry in a similar way taking a street drug, such as cocaine, heroin, or meth does, releasing powerful neurotransmitters that enhance mood.

So, the more we started talking about it, he started simply acknowledging his behavior, and realizing that the shopping was a "drug" to deal with his anxiety or low esteem or what have you. And the more he started thinking about that, the more he realized what it meant... and why he was doing it. So instead, he started shifting and working on his feelings. He also started noticing when he felt tempted to go shopping, and asked me and others around him to help, and also to ask people around him to encourage him and positively reinforce when he went to the san francisco shopping district and *didn't* buy anything.

Underlying your shopping addiction is shame. (shame = deeply held belief that we are not worthy of love, belonging, or connection.) The things you buy, temporarily at least, make you feel like you're worthy... like you belong, because people pay attention to you. As I've said before, the clothes are your "armor." But ultimately, they actually increase your shame, because you know, deep down, that it is the clothes, and not you, that draw the attention, so it's a vicious cycle.

So one thing my friend did was start forcing himself to return stuff that he bought, the next day or sometimes the same afternoon. This did two things: First, it forced him to think about what he was spending. Second, it was a little uncomfortable for him, at first, to return stuff, as, in his warped perception, it seemed "petty" to return clothes; in his mind, "this wasn't something people of his income did." Which... of course... is complete bullshit. But by doing that, he reinforced to himself that he didn't need these things, and was better off without them.

Second, he made a pact with several friends that whenever he went out to the mall or wherever, they were to remind him of his commitment not to buy stuff.

Finally, he learned to just stay with the feelings that came up that created the urge to shop. And that's tough. But he did it. When he felt anxious or depressed or something that would ordinarily trigger a desire to shop, he called a friend and asked for help. (If your friends cannot provide this sort of support, then we shoudl talk about finding you better friends.)

Finally, he started giving away large quantities of his clothes to friends and to resale shops.

It's a lot to take on, so don't expect to change overnight. But it's good that you're thinking about it and working on what you need to do to change.

 

I'll echo that statement. I don't think anyone's advocating that you wear 10 year old t-shirts with holes in them, or pants that haven't been washed in a week.

Also, here's something to think about: Next time you look at some guy on the street who is (or appears to be) homeless, stop and think: Do you think he wants to be where he is? Do you think he likes having dirty, torn clothes? How do you think it would feel to be sitting on a street, having no self esteem, and asking people for change?

Nobody volunteers for that, and in this economy, a lot of people that used to have well-paying jobs, nice cars, and beautiful houses have lost all of those things. Those without friends or family to support them, may have run through savings while trying to get another job and ended up where they are because they had no other options.

Likewise, a lot of people who work at Starbucks or retail stores have bachelors or masters degrees but can't find work in their field, and at $9 or $10 an hour, may not be able to afford anything your friends would classify as "nice." So they wear what they can afford, and struggle to pay their rent, food, and other expenses. You're extraordinarily lucky to have what you have, and it's good that you do, but as the saying goes, you can look at others who are less fortunate and think "there but for the grace of God go I."

I know your mom and your friends have probably never stopped to even think about that... but I am certain that you can, and I think if you really consider it... it might change your outlook quite a bit.

 

I think he's saying that you could probably try and eat a little more than just a couple of bites, and eat out while you're out and about on public transit Given that you've had an unhealthy relationship with food in the past, what you might want to do is set guidelines for yourself: Say that you'll eat 5 or 6 small meals each day... a small (2 or 3 ounce) portion of chicken and a couple bites of pasta, then an apple and some almonds, then maybe one of those small round Subway sandwiches that are only a few bites each... those aren't actual suggestions, more like just ideas of what you could do.

If you do that for a few days, your stomach will return to a more normal size and you'll be able to eat regular meals. Plus, you'll reinforce simple and healthy eating patterns.