Hey, I am twenty two years old and have recently graduated from university this summer. I'm now teaching in China which is proving to be an amazing experience! While at university I fell for a best friend which was all very confusing and heartbreaking at the same time I guess! Coming away from uni though it has been better because I am no longer caught up in this whirlwind of confusion and sadness which came alongside my feelings for my then best friend who I was unsure how she felt towards me, despite finding the courage to eventually broach the topic and ask her! It was swept under the rug and she still speaks to me as though I'm straight, asking me about guys, etc etc. This is sometimes difficult because I did say that I was confused about my orientation. The nature of my post is that I'm unsure what to do now... Like I said I'm not sad anymore which I think is helped by the fact I'm in another country. However, I've not had many boyfriends (well any proper ones actually...) and yet I do really enjoy male company! I don't really care anymore what my orientation is (I mean, of course I do) but the important thing for me is actually finding someone and experiencing feelings of an overtly reciprocal nature. I haven't 'come out' to anyone and don't even know how to. I don't know what the next step is, everytime we go places I seem to spend the night chatting to guys! But I am curious as to what it would be like to chat to a girl for the evening or in any situation really. To do so however seems like I would have to overtly admit to being gay when really its a curiosity which might then lead to me wanting to 'come out' to others. I often feel like I'm lying to people I meet and at the same time, get paranoid that people think I'm gay. Its not something to be paranoid about but its more paranoia that people can see through my 'lies'... I don't know, I just want to know what the next step is now that I'm not overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and confusion! I know I'm only 22 but I don't want my whole life to pass suddenly because I couldn't decide what to do and how to approach it. I don't need someone else to make me happy necessarily but I would like to know what its like to have someone else in your life who makes you happy. Sorry for the lengthy nature of this message, I was a bit of a keyboard warrior...
I'm just going to start with that I am assuming you speak Chinese there since people can be intimidated trying to speak english lol. While I am from Hong Kong myself, and living in US now, the actual social conditions in China I have no clue.... And don't be too paranoid lol.
Hi there and welcome to EC! So... what would have happened if your best friend in university had said "Wow, what a coincidence. I've fallen for you too and was too shy to say so. Let's date!" Would you have dated her? How would you have felt? You need to separate your thoughts around your orientation from your experiences with dating and relationships. Because she rejected you doesn't mean you aren't at least bi. Where you are now (in China) might make it difficult for you to meet people - especially girls. I'm not sure being bi or gay is looked upon very favourably there, so it might create issues for you in your job if you were to be open about it. I'm not sure that you really need to date or be with someone to determine your orientation. If you daydream or fantasize, who would you be thinking about? guys or girls? And again - 'play the tape forward' assuming your friend was accepting of your advances towards her. How would that have been for you?
No I speak very little Chinese, have only moved here recently and am picking bits up but I mainly interract with other expats so far. I guess I wasn't expecting to meet anyone here, I just want to be honest with people. I probably would have kissed my friend if she felt the same but I kind of knew that even if she did, she wouldn't have admitted anyway so I never really thought it would come to that... ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2012 at 05:01 PM ---------- Forget the whole I'm in China aspect of it I guess... that just an unfortunate coincidence I guess but would like to know what to do in a country where its not a potential problem I guess
China is big... but if you're in those big cities, they should teach English there... Try with ENglish? lol
I sensed in your initial post that you're not sure of your orienation. Are you? What I was suggesting was to play out that little fantasy in your head. I know how it actually played out, but what if she could admit that she was gay and liked you. What would you have wanted to come from that? And I'm not talking about in that very moment - although a kiss would have been nice I'm sure. I mean over the longer term. Could you envision yourself in a relationship with her? I'm just not sure what you're looking for. Help determining your orientation? Or help in 'moving on' without a clear understanding of what your orientation is? Because my point is that you probably don't need to 'experiment' to find out. You just need to open up your mind and be really relaxed and extremely honest with yourself about the situation.
