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Breaking a Heterosexual Relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fallrain, Oct 15, 2012.

  1. fallrain

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    First off thanks for taking the time to look at my post. I've been struggling internally and I really need to get this off my chest because I'm still questioning myself. I'm still not sure and really ready to come out, but I know I have to say something to my boyfriend (i'm a girl btw) that I've had for the last 2 and a half years.

    I went off my birth control for a few reasons, but after not being on them my libido really increased and honestly it really scared me because I haven't had feelings like these before for the same sex. I mean i've some yes, in the past but not this strong. I guess I was in denial? Repressed? I don't know. I feel really sad, confused, and ashamed. I know I have to tell my boyfriend, but I've been scared to. What's more heart breaking is that I know that I love him. We're best friends, we laugh together, sometimes untll we cry. We spend most of our times together. He makes me happy. Deep down I've realized that the sexual part has been lacking on my part. I guess I don't love him like a couple should?

    I didn't mean to lead him on or betray him, though I feel like I am now. The times that I've spent with him have meant so much to me. I feel so awful that I have to break his heart. Im scared that when I tell him he'll hate me. The thought of him out of my life leaves me feeling devastated. I just know that I have to end it now, not later when I've said "I do" etc and make it worse. He wants to start a family and move forward. I don't want to take that away from him when I'm still aimlessly searching. Asking him to wait seems selfish.

    Thank you again for listening. I've just felt so lost and haven't felt that I could talk to anyone. I spoke a little about it to a friend, but I left the whole sexual orientation part out. I just couldn't bring myself to bring it up.

    Just writing it out has made me feel a little better because i've been bottling it up inside me. You think it would be okay to write a letter and give it to him? I feel if I said it outloud my thoughts and feelings will come out a garbled mess.
     
  2. Pret Allez

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    I am sorry you feel so scared right now, and I hope you feel welcome and able to come to terms with yourself here.

    It sounds to me like you have two questions to deal with. The first is are you really a lesbian? It sounds to me like you're very open to that possibility. However, I think that you need to give yourself some real time to think about it. The second is what to do with your relationship. You have a strong emotional connection with him, but you worry that you might be gay. If you are, then yes, it would be wrong of you to stay with him, and you'd have an ethical duty to end the relationship. On the other hand, you shouldn't end the relationship if you're not sure whether you have no sexual attraction to men.

    I think that these two questions are conflicting, and because of that, they are time sensitive. This will be hard, but I think you need to take a good look at your inner self and explore whether you might be a lesbian. And I don't mean watch porn, because that's a poor indicator of orientation. I just mean searching what you find enticing about women and why. Do you like men in the same way? Or at all? Or are men just people you can be very good friends with?

    The sooner you can safely answer these questions for yourself, the sooner you can decide whether he needs to be let down gently.

    We'll be there every step of the way.

    PrĂȘt Allez
     
  3. afterthefact

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    It is very unfortunate, but sometimes these realizations have the worst timing in our life. Sometimes this involves other people, people whom we love, and whom we'd hate to hurt. In response to your question I would have to say that you do have to end this relationship for many reasons: 1) stop hurting the other person, 2) stop hurting yourself, 3) finally figure out what it is you want. I ended up in a 4yr heterosexual marriage to a best friend, only to watch everything fall apart so badly that I was afraid to accept the things that were always there. Once it was over I could breathe for the first time in a long time. Can't say it wasn't scary, it was. So my advice would be - end it before it gets too complicated. And good luck.
     
  4. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    Im in the same situation as you, ending a 5 year relationship with a man I consider my best friend.

    He was actually relieved when I told him, as it provided an explanation as to why I never wanted sex.

    But still, I dont know your guy so I dont know what his reaction will be. If he is a really close friend he make take it better than you think he will, I mean, if you are sure and you want to tell him.
     
  5. afterthefact

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    Well said. And agreed, a good friend will understand and receive that as an explanation.
     
  6. oblina

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    Something very similar happened to me, I had been dating my best friend from high school for four years when I finally accepted that I simply was not enjoying sex and that I was not simply "bisexual with strong tendencies" but just a lesbian. I had always said that it felt like we were just besties who kisses and stuff but he and our best friends always told me that was normal, even though it isn't.
    So when I met the girl I am in love with now( and happily dating, with sex I fully enjoy ) I was quite confused that I had more intense feelings than I had ever had before. My girlfriends in high school were basically short lived and based on convenience, I dated the girls that were gay, even if the connection was small.
    We had been living together for a year and moved to the city together for college so breaking up with him was te hardest thing I have ever done in my life. With my girlfriends help though I was able to explain to him that it wasn't his fault, the relationship wasn't bad, I just couldn't continue in it, I had never been able to imagine commitment with him. We still live together in a 2-bedroom now because of complicated reasons and things were really tough for quite some time but it's getting better. He talks to my girlfriend an has even realized that I really wasn't into the sex and is happier with other girls.
    Of course I know he still loves and misses me but I had to put our happiness first. He will be much happier with a girl that actually wants him and I'm much happier now that I am honest with yourself.
    I would recommend really thinking on it and talking to him about it if your realy serious. Once you decide on it don't let any amount of crying or emotion sway you, getting caught up in the moment and changing your mind cause of guilt will only draw out any pain. Maybe you can still stay friends, and I'm sure that both of you will be happy in the end ~.~
     
  7. wandering i

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    From the other side of things. I was dating someone for a while and the sex side of the relationship was incredibly confusing because he'd say he wanted to have sex and was very gungho about being my boyfriend, telling everyone he knew. But he continually ignored or side-stepped my advances. I knew he had not had sex with someone like me so I decided not to make moves on him but to accept when he made advances, and we did end up having sex, initiated by him. But afterward his reaction was, "Now that we know what that's like, I don't think it's a big deal if we never do it again". And he began spending less time with me in favor of video games.
    I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't think he was being honest to himself about what kind of relationship he was looking for with me. I still don't know his orientation, but it was clear he wasn't passionate about being with me sexually and was much more interested in being friends or asexually romantic. And for a variety of reasons I began to suspect he was with me just to prove something to himself and others or make a show.
    This all began to make sense for me with time, but early on it was pretty hurtful to my self esteem and extremely confusing to be treated the way I was.

    I think being honest about your feelings, orientation questioning, and apprehension is not only more fair to you, but most likely more fair to your partner as well. I wish that guy had known before dating me that he wasn't into sex with me so I wouldn't have been jerked around and hurt. But I understand and forgive that he likely didn't know, himself, and was just pushing himself to make me and other people happy.
     
    #7 wandering i, Oct 16, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2012
  8. fallrain

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    Thank you everyone for your kind words.
    They have really me feel a bit better. I don't feel as alone in my thoughts.
     
  9. fallrain

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    Ive been trying to tell my boyfriend about myself since i wrote the last post. Everytime i try i freeze up. I was planning on telling him tomorrow after this party tonight so the party would go well and we would have fun. Today we had lunch with my parents and house and children came up. On the way home my boyfriend was asking me about it and where we should look. We had to stop at a store before returning home. Well i blew it. I just sat there frozen, my mind screaming at me to explain why i couldnt move forward with him. I litterly just sat there and he just gave up frustrated at me for not answering. When we got back to our place we didnt say anything and now he just left to go to a friends place to tonight and im sitting here crying. I should have just been up front with him. I feel like a coward. I have a letter that i prepared already. Sorry for the vent. :bang:
     
    #9 fallrain, Oct 27, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2012
  10. pinklov3ly

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    Whoa! Slow down, relax and breathe...things are going to be okay. I know how you feel believe me, I've been in your shoes/still am--sorta. It's most definitely work in progress, I think you need to be in more of a safer environment when telling him. Him driving...probably not a good idea. I told my mom that I was gay when she driving--not a good idea or so I've been told. Give him the letter and make sure he gets it, but you're going to have to face him. Relax and breathe...
     
    #10 pinklov3ly, Oct 27, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2012
  11. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    You can do it! As long as you know he isnt the type to get abusive you should be fine. Just remember even if it makes you feel guilty, he deserves to know the truth.

    Its not your fault youve had to hide it for this long, its heterocentric society's fault.
     
  12. afterthefact

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    Most definitely, you can do it. It's best for both of. It is understandable that you might not know how to tell him, how to start the conversation, or how to direct it or handle it while you are talking. From what I can recollect, you are living together? Is that right? Well, in that case it may be even more complicated, as you will have to face him for some time.
    It might be a good idea to offer a separation. This way you don't have to explain anything at this moment, just stick to it. Find someplace to stay and just be apart from him for a week or so. After this intermission it will be easier to deliver the more complicated issue - your sexuality/orientation/whatever it is. And again, it's not easy, but as you can tell many of us here believe you can do it.