As you can see from my bio I'm 21 years old. I live at home with my mother, sister and her family. My mother is a complete loon. There are so many facets to this that it would take me literally all day to list them all, so I'll try to condense it. -She acts like a child. If we disagree with something she says she won't speak to us, at all. -She's paranoid. We're all talking about her behind her back, out to get her, trying to make her feel stupid etc. -She's super nosy. She snoops in my room, goes through my letters, shopping etc. I can't walk in the door with something in my hand without her asking what it is, where I got it, how much it cost, what I want it for ect. My sister calls it her beady eyes, lol! It's the same with phone calls, texts etc or if I leave the house. -She has mood swings. This morning I was planning on posting a parcel to someone and she demanded that I let her drop it off at the persons house. I replied "oh it's easier to post it". She then started shouting her paranoid rambling at me, ignored me for a while, then walked out of the house without a word, got into the car and drove off. She came back about two hours later, nice as pie asking if I had lunch. -My sister and I, for various reasons are stuck here with her. If we stand up to her she threatens to kick us out of the house. She knows we have nowhere else to go. When we did, she used to threaten to kill herself instead. When we were children she used to threaten to kill us. -There is no reasoning with her and she will not get help. As far as she is concerned, we are the problem, not her. My question is not how to try to change her but how to try to live with her? She blows up over the slightest thing! My sister is pregnant and her doctor told her she has high blood pressure. We both know its the stress my mother is causing her. My sister has only been living with us for a few months so its much harder on her as she is just getting used to our mothers behaviour again. What can I do to make her behaviour more tolerable?
I can definitely relate to your situation. My mom is bipolar, and she acted a lot like yours does (though she wasn't quite as bad). Thankfully I don't live with her anymore, but I'm terrified of how she'll react when I tell her I have no intention of visiting her anytime soon because I'm not quite over the fact that she kicked me out of this summer for being depressed. As for how to deal with it, I never did figure out a satisfactory way. Reasoning was useless, and "backtalk" was greeted with a temper tantrum. So I turned into a doormat and did basically whatever I could to keep the peace. If there was something I didn't want to talk to her about, I kept it hidden. This was not healthy for me in the long run, however. Really, the only long term solution is to move out, but that may not be possible.
Thank you for your reply! Your mother does sound very like mine. I know that moving out is the only way to get away from the controlling behaviour but its just not an option for us right now. It would leave both of us homeless and me unemployed as my business is set up here. Because I'm self employed, even if I couldn't access my workplace I wouldn't be entitled to social welfare My mother knows this, that's what she uses to manipulate me. If I disagree with her, even over a tiny thing, she threatens to kick me out, because she knows it'll shut me up. It's just so frustration and it leaves me feeling like a puppet being controlled by strings
My mother is also hard to live with. You are going through a lot. I feel for you (*hug*) . When there's no chance to get help for that, the only successful way I've come across to cope with such people is, ignoring their emotions. I think when we give attention, it's more like adding fuel to their attitude. As it would be a proof to their success and drive them more and more to rely upon that method. But I also think ignoring those emotions has to be done with very cautiously. Slowly at first, without letting them to be shocked by our changes of reactions to those ways, giving them sometime to get used to it gradually. Or, I think shock could drive them to try another state. Most probably it could confuse you to stop your method, as we care about not hurting them . And our that attitude towards them, could be the main reason to, how we become victims of such manipulations of such people. Changing it might get you out. However you need to stick to your ways, without going back, and also ignoring whatever that could happen to you later. One thing that I've noticed is that, most times, they don't actually mean it even they threat to harm, it's like kind of a weapon used, to show and keep their superiority. They are using our fear to enjoy or/and to fulfill any feelings of emptiness. We got to see through it. We always take risks when we don't have choice, when we aught to do so, when we think there is choice to not to take a risk we avoid doing it. My opinion is we got to take some risk in this. But, sure, its your choice. This thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53757-emotional-abuse-awareness.html has helped me a lot to understand in my situation. A great read.
my mom acts the same way save for the last two, I'm sure both of us are a lot less stressed out since im away, but even when she visits sometimes shes in her bitch mode and it makes shit hard. i cant really help you other than you arent alone with people with crazy moms and that the best is to just not interact with her a whole lot and be the mature one.
My mom is pretty similar. She is super nosy and wants to know what I'm doing and where I am 24/7 even though I go to school 500 miles away. She'll get up and just drive off for hours when she doesn't get her way. If I stand up to her she threatens to kick me out or kill herself just to try scare me into submission. Honestly I can't stand talking to her anymore, I always feel worse after I talk to her than I did before. Like smprob said slowing starting to ignore her wacky emotions might be good, she won't get the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. Hang in there, someday you'll get out from under her (*hug*)
You're living with someone that most likely has a diagnosable mental illness. So you can't expect her to behave rationally or sensibly or logically. That's a tough situation. I can suggest the amazing book "Just Listen" by Mark Goulsten. If you get it and read it, it will make a meaningful difference in how you communicate with your mom. It won't solve all the issues because she's not, from what you've said, a mentally balanced person. But it should help. And, of course, you should work hard on getting yourself out of that situation.
Thank you all for your replies She seems to have defrosted a bit today, although she is still a bit off with my sister. I know it's only temporary though. Something will happen sooner or later and she will be back to her childish behaviour. I'm trying to put a plan together that will make it easier to leave in the future. I have 7 dogs and there's no way I could take all of them with me so I'm facing a decision about rehoming some of them. I have had dogs since I was a baby and there have been times when they have been my only friends. It's heartbreaking for me to even think about it but they are one of my main reasons for staying here, apart from my job. Chip: Thanks for the book recommendation. I am going to check it out
