What a lovely day for a rant! I'm just a bit frustrated. I've been considering my options, and none of them seem ideal. As a woman in a same sex relationship I've found that if my girlfriend and I show any affection in public we are screamed and cursed at for being perverts, stared at, glared at, and generally treated as though we're going to cause the end of all decent civilization. Before I met her, my girlfriend had experienced being physically assaulted, run off the road in her car, etc...for being recognized as gay. For myself, if I were to come out and it offends my family in any way, they can throw me out of the family business, and I will lose my job, my house, and any chance of inheriting my fair share of the business I am working to build. When I try to explain my reasons for staying in the closet, I am told by out lesbians that I am dysfunctional, a coward, and a traitor for refusing to "swell the ranks" by openly advertising my orientation. I have nothing against political activism, but I really question how much it would benefit anyone to have me be an activist living in a cardboard box under the Burnside Bridge. Then there are the folks who tell me bisexuality doesn't exist anyway, and that I'm just a gay woman in denial about my "gayness". Having spent over 30 years in relationships with men prior to falling in love with my girlfriend of almost 3 years, I have to say what a load of hockeypucks that is. In a lot of cases, I had happily been in relationships with men for longer than the person berating me had even been alive! The fact that they feel qualified and justified in judging me and my level of self-awareness is infuriating and offensive. But there it is---the heterosexual community labels me a pervert, and an offense to nature, a sin against God and man, and a danger to their children. The lesbian community labels me a cowardly traitor to their cause, as well as a dysfunctional individual unaware of my true feelings. Given this situation, is it any wonder I think it best to simply keep myself to myself, and live by the rule that what happens in my bed is no ones business except the person in bed with me? GGgggggggrrrrrrrrrr.:bang:
WOW Pink, You are doing what I did for MANY years, married to a women that we had three wonderful girls with. Just this last weekend (my wife and I have been separated 3 years) I came out to my daughters and wife about my attractions to men.....In my mind, I had already accepted that my wife would reject me and my daughters would be shocked and separate from me emotionally and I would feel stranded alone and very fragile........ NOTHING could be further than what happened, my girls TOTALLY understood and just wanted me to be happy again (fought depression and some alcohol abuse for a long time), my wife said she will always love me and if we have different partners in life, she always wants me to be a family with our girls....(tearing up).....:tears: I guess if you are like me, you MUST be true to YOURSELF, it really has relieved alot of internal damage that I will be working on for along time....I have low self esteem/confidence now, but at least now see a hope for self happiness... Good luck to you and dont obsess too much how your external source of stress is affecting you......YOU ONLY CONTROL WHAT U FEEL LIKE....... :icon_bigg
Oh dear, I'm young (UK Upper 6th) and recently semi-out as bisexual, and really quite naive about what the world will think of me... Let's hope the times get to changing faster than they have been, and that the self-perpetuating cycle of reactionary activism on all sides ceases! Ranting does help, doesn't it? I wish you (and the rest of us) more hope in this complicated world!
I hear you, Pink! People are ignorant and inconsiderate at times. It would be nice if everyone were as loving and accepting as we wish they'd be but the reality is far different. Both gays and straights (as a group, not individuals) have a long way to go in truly accepting bisexuality as a "legitimate" orientation. The other thing people fail to realize is that none of us lives in a vacuum. It's great to say, "To hell with it, be loud and proud and damn the torpedoes!" That ignores context and reality though. The fact of the matter is that you must decide the degree of "out" that works for you. Your reasons are valid and they are your own. The people calling you dysfunctional and a traitor are probably not going to pay your bills if you get kicked out of your family business and that needs to temper the weight you give to their opinions. If it's a trade-off you're willing to make, who they hell are they to judge? Besides, how can you be a traitor to a bunch of strangers to whom you owe nothing in the first place? That's just my $.02 anyway. Others may find that their mileage varies.
It depresses me that in the year 2012, humanity has been to the moon, explored the human genome, connected the world by a single network and in many ways, put an end to institutionalised racism. Yet, when it comes to sexuality, we can be as backwards and as cruel as is imaginable. In atheist circles, the general piece of advice we give about coming out (of any kind) is to always consider your personal situation, and consider what an admission would cost. Some things are not worth sharing with people who will only use them for hate. If making a public admission would seriously impact your life and make your situation untenable, I would imagine that caution and careful consideration are your best option. Nobody needs fuel for the ignorant fires they tend. On a lighter note, you could move to Canada, things seem to be less horrifying here, but that's only in my meagre experience.
Thanks for your very kind responses! To Sky--I have to say IF I were young, and IF I met my girlfriend at your age I might take a different approach to things. You have your whole life ahead of you, and the idea of hiding for another 60 years is exceedingly daunting. I hope that by the time you reach my age times will have caught up to what they should be, and no one will have to deal with these kinds of scenarios. To BNQ--You're right, no one judging me has offered me a job, or a home, or a new family. They just want me to live my life by their standards. I like to think that when my elderly mother has passed on (please don't read that as me wishing for that day) and my ownership of the business and property is a legal fact and not something left up to the whims of others, I may choose to act in another way than I do right now. But until the day my retirement is secure, I have to live in the real world. Thank you for actually getting that! To Stevie--I do struggle with the fact that apparently I am just a darned comfortable liar. I am so glad your family was supportive but I simply don't know if my 75 year old mother could wrap her head around it, and truthfully, I don't like the idea of the stress she would have to go through were I to ask her to try. This kind of remark generally sets someone off about how I am using that as an excuse to hide, and wallow in my internal homophobia. To that, I simply say everyone is welcome to their opinion. To ryan--I couldn't agree with you more. As a species, we should be so far past this, but clearly we're not. I would like Canada, I think. If I weren't tethered to the family property, my girlfriend and I might seriously consider it. The scary thing is that Oregon is considered a liberal state. I shudder to think what would happen to me were I in Texas.:eek:
Well, the health care and the gay marriage are nice touches, as long as you don't mind the cold! Maybe I don't know because I just started this chapter of my life, but I have always had the impression (aside from childhood bullies) that Canada is a comparatively easy place for gay couples to live. Maybe its not perfect, but I never hear anything like the horror stories that seem to appear so frequently across the US. If you ever consider coming to Canada, even for a vacation, I hope you enjoy it and find us welcoming!
Thank you! I have to say you certainly live in a beautiful place, and it sounds like it grows some very nice people!
you don't owe it to anyone to come out, and it's your decision when and if it is safe for you to do so. i'm kind of stunned to hear things are still that bad in oregon. if it makes you feel any better, there are parts of the country where it is NOT like that. my partner and i are openly affectionate in public and the only time anyone has made comments to us was to remark on how cute we are together.
Red Storm, I think if you live or hang out in downtown Portland things aren't quite that bad but in the small towns it is still just as shocking to the residents as if two pointy-headed, googly-eyed aliens went out to dinner among them. That said, Oregon is still so amazingly beautiful, and great for farming that I won't ever leave. Sigh. I'm glad you hear positive feedback though, that actually does encourage me in general!
