Advice Needed

Hello, AbstractShadows!

To address your concerns:

(Prologue): You say that not having a boyfriend has been getting to you. I want you to think very, very carefully about why you want one and what you think having one will bring you. Romantic love is portrayed as the Ultimate Happiness, but oftentimes relationships can bring just as many problems as they can joys. Are you looking for one to validate your sense of self? To prove to yourself that you're a sexy/lovable/generally worthy human being? These are not good reasons to pursue one. Not to say that wanting to find a romantic relationship is bad or that you shouldn't look for one: I just want you to have a very clear idea of what you want from one and to think very hard about whether it can actually bring that to you.

Keep in mind that the biggest ingredient in any relationship search is sheer dumb luck. I'm absolutely positive that out of the 6 billion humans on the planet that there are many (even in Utah!) who would think you're really cool and be totally down to share their life with you...but it's to some degree a matter of being in the right place at the right time. Which is not to say that there aren't some steps you can take to give this a higher probability of happening.

Re: confidence. Confidence comes from facing fear successfully. You need to think about it more in terms of process (i.e., learning to be comfortable approaching people) rather than getting desired results (BOYFRIEND SCORE YEAH!) because the latter is largely out of your control. Think about this way: it's much better to find yourself saying "Well THAT didn't turn out how I expected..." than to do nothing, which only guarantees that the status quo will continue.

Now, the problems you list:

(1) Fear/Location: If you are scared to be proactive about finding a potential partner, then you are leaving everything to the chance that someone else will approach you. You can do this if you want, but it's not likely to get you anywhere too quickly. If there aren't that many gay people in your immediate area, why not try online dating? That could be a way to more efficiently find gay men who are interested in relationships who live near you than meticulously tracking the sexual orientation of every guy you meet within a 25-mile radius. The other alternative is to move somewhere else, but I don't know if that's an option for you right now or something that you're interested in.

It sounds like online dating is something you've already tried based on your description of the guy who blew you off (what an asshole thing to do by the way, I'm sorry that happened to you :icon_sad: ), but the thing about dating and even non-romantic relationships is that you can't give up looking after a few unsuccessful interactions. The default setting we have with people is "no connection," and you or the people you go on the dates with (or just attempt to set them up with) will more often than not find that you/they just aren't that into them/you. That's fine. If romance is something you really want, you need to be prepared to actively approach people (whether on the Internet or in the real world) you find interesting if you're going to find someone you can connect with. Possibly lots of people.

If you're looking for ideas about places in the real world you can go to increase your chances of finding someone, the most obvious place to start would be local LGBT venues/events. If your area doesn't have any of those/you wouldn't feel comfortable going there, I've found in my anecdotal experience that the arts, particularly theater, tend to attract a high number of queer people. Any interest in that kind of stuff?

Sure, rejection sucks. When it happens, take a few days to wallow in self-pity and rage. But remember it's not the end of the world! Again, if this is something you really want, you need to be ready to accept the risks that go with it.

(2) Not good looking. We get one life and one body, and just because yours isn't normatively attractive doesn't mean no one will ever find you sexy. I will concede that if you're not normatively attractive that you'll be working with a smaller pool, that yes, not having a normatively attractive body will mean some people will reject you right off the bat.

It seems mean and unfair, but remember something else: you get to be mean and unfair and reject who you want too! When you take that body of yours out on a date, I don't want you to make any apologies for it. If you can't make yourself feel beautiful, at least don't vomit your insecurities all over yourself as you date. Don't trap yourself into thinking, "Oh jeez, since I'm not good looking, I'd better cling to this guy if he shows the slightest interest even if I don't like him!" Concentrate on your desires and your wants: is this guy cool? Do you actually like him? These are the questions worth asking since you can't control how people will react to you, so focus on whether you're having fun!

Plus, I think we tend to overstate how much physical attractiveness plays into the equation at the neglect of Kick Ass-iness. What do you kick ass at? What makes you awesome? If you don't kick ass at anything, what do you want to kick ass at or what could you potentially kick ass at given enough effort? Do those things! Find venues to display those things! This will not only make you a more interesting person, but it will also allow you to be social with people who share your interests (people who will in turn find you more interesting). And even if these people don't turn into partners, they could become great friends....who might have other friends, if you get my drift

(3) Being Hurt. Sadly no getting around risking this one. Whenever you put even a part of your happiness in the hands of others, you take that risk.

(4) Wanting someone to take care of you. All I can really say about this is as you meet more people, look for guys who have a nurturing demeanor. Also, this need might not be as prevalent if you allow yourself to be taken care of by the people already around you. Are there any friends who would be able to let you unburden yourself?

TL;DR: Meet lots and lots of people, whether online or IRL. Try not to be afraid of them. Engage with the world. Don't think so much about aspects of your body that you cannot change. Live your life as meaningfully as you can, and you just might find someone that you can love and be loved by in turn.

 

Agreed. Just try to get out and meet new people - and that's your best chance to meet someone who you might later date.

Welcome to EC!

 

I will just state, that being heavier is nothing that should hold you back. I've spent enough time on the internet to figure out that people LOVE heavier body-types. Honestly, and this one applies to me too, give a workout a shot. Look online for stuff you can do from home, think about diet and calisthenics, it's not easy but you'll never feel more confident than you do the day you are impressed by how you look. It can be an extremely rewarding feeling, being tired from exercise, and it builds your confidence. Having a good attitude makes anyone attractive

Don't give up, EC is here to help!

 

A good diet and a good commitment will keep you working! And that's what matters, working on yourself, because it feels good, it's good for you, and you'll never regret it! Even if all you can get is a pair of dumbbells, there's a huge variety of exercises you can do. But losing weight isn't really about weightlifting, that just makes you feel good on top of the weight-loss part! My gigantic friend ran a few miles every day, he dropped 50 pounds and has kept it off, even being away at college, even with all the alcohol he drinks!

 

I've got no dietary skills to speak of, all I know is that you want to increase your metabolism, so that your body burns fat instead of sugar. Bodybuilding websites have lots of information on this kind of stuff, and there's even apps that help you count calories and track exercise

I just happen to be one of those fat guys trapped in a skinny guy's body, one day it'll go the other way and I'll just blow up Till then, I'm trying to learn what I can about exercise and being healthy

 

We're already in touch!

So keep it up and let me know how things go, I do a couple dumbell exercises every week but I'm slacking horribly, I fell asleep so early last night, and have been out for so many Saturdays, that I haven't been able to keep up! I haven't even had time to do the Saturday routine since I started!

#socialbutterflyproblems

 

Skinny guy in a fat guys body here too Eating meat shouldnt be an issue if you only have lean cuts and grill rather than fry. I recommend, if you like it that is, that you use chilli's in all your cooking. Chilli increases the amount of calories your body burns and they taste great too, even hot sauce is good for it because there is little if any calories.

 

Going to a gym can be intimidating for sure. I've belonged to one once - and like you only used the cardio machines. I'm contemplating joining the gym at work...

For the last 3 years I've just worked out at home. My husband had a set of free weights and some tension bands and the P90X workout DVDs - so I've been using them. I've lost 50lbs and feel great. On the days I don't use the weights I do cardio - I run outside or I swim at the local rec center pool. So it's all relatively inexpensive - except for my running shoes. I exercise 3 or 4 times a week these days and I watch what I eat.

When I was losing the most weight I was exercising 6 days a week and religiously following the recommended diet for the program. Cut out sugar. Cut out carbs. Drink lots of water and eat lots of fresh veggies with your protein. It's not complicated - but it does take a lot of willpower and resolve if you don't have the best eating habbits to start with. (Which I didn't.)

The hardest part is getting started and making it part of your routine. Once you manage to do that it gets much easier. I now routinely get up at 5AM to exercise - and I don't mind it at all (most mornings!). But the first month was a killer. But I lost about 15lbs in that first month, which inspired me to keep going and lost another 10lbs in the next 60 days. The other 25lbs took a lot longer - and I still have to be very careful to keep it off.

And remember - I met my boyfriend when I was about 30lbs heavier than am now - and he didn't mind. And then his cooking, along with vacations and going out dancing and drinking, had me gain another 20lbs!!! Your weight might keep the most shallow of people from approaching you or talking to you, but it's your attitude that is what people will measure you on most. Nobody wants to hang around someone who's a 'negative Nancy' so you'll want to watch how much of that you wear on your sleeve.

Good luck!

 

Scooby's Workshop | Home Fitness & Bodybuilding Workouts is a great site because all of the information is free, helpful to find the right things for your individual goal, and he is about health instead of about just weight loss or muscle gain. Plus almost all of it you can do at home in private without bulky machinery or weightlifting benches. He has information about diet and it's the most noob-friendly workout advice I have ever found.