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Not even sure I should be here ...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by DMfiddler, Oct 18, 2012.

  1. DMfiddler

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    How to tell a long story, really shortly?

    I'm 33, been straight my whole life without any thought. I have never been one to wear makeup, I have a short (above ear) haircut and I rarely wear jewelry. However, I dress nice and have always been attracted to men. Until last spring. I met a woman that has rocked my world intellectually, and physically I can't stop staring. She is openly a lesbian, has a partner of a few years, is 10+ years my senior, and looks a lot like me as I described myself, only she is healthy and in good physical shape, I have pounds to shed.

    I am married, 2nd time around, have 3 kids, thought life was going fine until I met her. Now, I can't stop thinking about her. We have developed a casual friendship, it is growing as we get to know each other.

    What is this? Just a "girl crush" that will eventually pass, and I can continue on in my straight life? Is it possible to just "become" bi/lesbian in a matter of weeks? I am not sleeping well, I am not eating well, my whole life has kind of flipped upside down in the last 10 months or so. Any insight?:help:
     
  2. Ticklish Fish

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    Hello hello.
    I have to ask, have you thought about girls before for the past 33 years?
     
  3. AlexisAnne

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    Nice to meet you :slight_smile: I don't have a lot to add to your situation, other than it could be this particular woman or it could be something deeper. (I know, helpful right?) Aside from her though, have you found yourself noticing any other women sexually?
     
  4. DMfiddler

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    I haven't really thought about other girls, no. I mean, I have no problems with seeing an attractive woman and acknowledging that she looks good, but I think most women can do that. Seeing beauty in another woman doesn't send us into a mental tailspin like it often does for men!

    Really, the Drew Barrymore is the closest thing I can draw on as an attraction to a woman. I have said for years, if any woman could make me go gay, it would be her. Dumb, I know. But otherwise, women have never been on my radar as more than just friends and such.

    This is why I don't know what's going on in my head. I have always been a tomboy, as I described physically, and I much preferred climbing trees and digging in the mud as a kid than I did playing dolls or dress-up. As an adult, my only sexual issue has been a lack of sexual interest. I mean, from time to time I get the urge, draw my hubby in, but mostly I just kinda do my wifely duty as needed. That sounds awful, and it is more romantic and involved than that, but sex has just never really been my thing. This now has me wondering too - is this just because I am not overly sexual, or is it because I have been with the wrong kind of person?

    Add in the fact I have been raised, and chosen to continue to live, as a conservative Christian my whole life, my brain just hurts. :bang:

    If my crush came to me tomorrow and suggested we run away together, I think I would go. (except for the 3 little kids I can't actually desert) But if it wasn't for her, I don't think any of these thoughts or questions would be in my head.

    Anyone else dealt with this, or has sexual preference always been pretty clearly defined for you?
     
  5. HatterMad

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    I wonder how you feel towards your current partner...if yore feeling bored or worried or anything.

    I think a straight girl can crush on another girl and still be straight.

    I can't really help out much, but hope that someone with more experience will be able to offer some ideas. Hang in there.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC!

    What you've described certainly wasn't my experience. I didn't have any crushes on boys, I did discover gay porn when I was around 20, and liked it. That should have been a clue. But I got married and had kids and kept that 'dirtly little secret' of mine - that I used gay porn - a secret.

    But the porn evolved into chat rooms and on and on. I think for men it's (usually) the physical attraction / physical expression of that attraction that shows up first. With women it seems more often it's an emotional connection that happens first. Nothing scientific there - just observations.

    The fact that this has hit you all of a sudden would be unnerving for sure.

    Have you thought of seeking out counselling to talk about this with someone? I think that would be really helpful. Talk out loud about it with an unbiased, professional third party who can help you put things in perspective. Whether you're gay or bi or just suffering from insomnia... you need to deal with whatever is bothering you in order to be a good mom and wife / friend to your husband. Letting this continue to bother you won't do you or anyone else in your life any good.

    Hope this helped.
     
  7. burg

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    i don't know if this is a cultural thing.but here in nz 80 percent of girls have been with other girls.and that holds true with most girls i know.ive always just assumed girls sexuality is far more flexible.im a guy so don't really know how it works. but every time I've seen a girl get with another girl.there was always a click of personalities.
     
  8. wandering i

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    I just want to point out that your gender identity (how you present yourself and think of yourself in terms of feminine and masculine) is separate from sexual orientation. Being a masculine woman doesn't mean you are gay. Your sexual attraction to people and your gender are not tied together inseparably. Being boyish and being attracted to women are different things (although there is a lot of overlap and variation, too).

    I don't know for sure but it sounds like you have fallen for her as a person and not that you are sexually attracted to women's bodies in general (yet). That may change with time but for now it seems like this is a romantic crush with just one person and doesn't define your sexual orientation. I have experienced a crush on someone outside my orientation before but never felt that way about another person of that sex after.

    I know that's kind of confusing, I just wanted to say it's not black and white, so you don't need to push yourself into one category or another to find out who you are.
     
  9. Rygirl

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    Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? It shows the fluidity of sexuality and where you fit into it, I strongly feel that sexuality is never as cut and dried as 'she's straight and she's a lesbian'.

    Because you are with a man and have children does not mean that you can't feel attracted to a woman, what I'd advise, is to take a step back, sort out what it is you are questioning about yourself, and most importantly, give yourself time! This isn't a race and no one is pressuring you into making any decisions or coming to any conclusions.
     
  10. PinkTractor

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    Hi,

    I just add this from my own experience--I lived for 45 years without a single inclination or urge to ever have a same sex relationship. Then I met my current girlfriend, and it was shocking and surreal to think that I wanted to be with another woman. That said, I still don't look at other women than her, and if she and I were to part ways, I would go back to being with men. I believe that there can be one person who is the exception to an otherwise straightly ruled life. Don't know if this is the case with you and this other woman, especially as you say she is in a relationship, but if what you're asking is is it possible? Yes.
     
  11. DMfiddler

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    So, I just have to say, you guys are all awesome. You seem so genuine in your answers and willingness to help - why is it that the straight community can't be as open-hearted?

    Anyhow, a lot of what several of you have said has really given me something to think about. I really liked the "you aren't in a race" comment - that's so true. No reason I have to have everything done and settled in the next 5 minutes.

    I do see a therapist every couple of weeks for general purposes, just to keep my head on straight, and I did broach this topic with her last week for the first time. It was towards the end of my session and I don't see her again for another couple weeks. That's why I thought I would seek some help here. Who better to ask than others that have possible had to go through a similar experience, right?

    Wandering I - you're right about me confusing sexuality and gender identity. I honestly don't know much about how one defines oneself - I have never spent much time thinking on it before. It isn't that I have ever wanted or wished I was a boy, I just didn't need to be a frilly girl either.

    Pink Tractor - I think you have hit the nail on the head. As of these last 10 months at least, my attraction to this woman hasn't led to me thinking/wishing for/desiring any other women. I recently was at a work thing and spent a weekend rooming with two beautiful women, mid-20's, good friends, both bi. No desire to be with them or anything sexual - it really does seem concentrated on just this one person in particular.

    As for my current husband, I don't know what to say there. He is the sweetest man, loving, caring, thoughtful, etc ... a dream guy, you know? I think he's cute, not a supermodel, but cute, and he treats me like a queen. But ... But ... But ... There's a long list of buts where there really shouldn't be. My first hubby and I clashed non-stop, we had all sorts of reasons to need a divorce, but this guy is an A+ in the husband category, yet I just am not feeling it lately. Is it because of this woman? I am comparing her ideal in my head and holding it against hubby? Beats me.

    I know this isn't therapy, I don't expect any of you to actually know the answers to all my confusion, but if nothing else, sending this out into the cosmos is reassuring in it's own way. Thanks for listening, and again, your comments really have been most helpful!
     
  12. Pat

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    Sounds like a girl crush. I have girl crushes also at times. I think you just like the fact that you've met someone that seems to be more secure or happier than you. And since you look a like, maybe you've kind of compared yourselves too tightly. I'd say that if you've never had an interest in females that something is clearly just lacking your marriage. Does your husband still treat you as if you're dating on occasions?