I'll try to keep my story short... I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl for nearly a year. About a month ago, I told her I was questioning my orientation. She broke up with me the next day because she thought I didn't see her as my girlfriend anymore. Now, a month later, I can't stop blaming myself. I feel that I destroyed a long and healthy relationship without reason. And to compound my problems, I can't accept ANY straight thoughts I have now, because if I am straight, it would mean that this whole break up will have been in vein. I feel really alone in this because in every other post I read people talk about not wanting to be gay. I don't want to be straight. I can't get over my guilt, and I can't question my orientation at all now. Any advice, or at least understanding, it greatly appreciated.
I don't really feel that it was your fault. You were just being honest with her, which is a great thing to do in a relationship. I think she overreacted a bit. Did you guys at least try to talk things out before she abruptly ended the relationship? What is it that made you start questioning to begin with?
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You are being a bit too hard on yourself. You were honest with your girlfriend and made yourself vulnerable. Being honest, and saying to her that this is what you feel at this point in time, counts for a lot! It is unfortunate that your girlfriend decided to break up with you the next day. That was a bit too hasty on her part. Even if in the end of all of this, you still feel that you are attracted to girls, you will find someone else with whom you will have the chance to build a meaningful relationship. Questioning is an indication that perhaps you do have some feelings for guys that are making themselves known. So maybe have a sit down with yourself, and ask yourself: what kinds of feelings do I have? When I see a guy walking down the street, coming towards me, what do I think? Is he cute? Is he attractive? What do you feel inside of you?
The only discussion we had was on the night I told her. She seemed very accepting and encouraging at the time; she is bi herself, so I thought she would be safe to come out to. She seemed a bit sad, but I thought she sounded like she wanted to help me through this. Actually, she's the one who told me about this site. The next afternoon she told me she didn't think she could be my girlfriend anymore. I though she was overreacting at the time too, but I was too speechless to argue. We haven't talked much since then. I started questioning after watching the Olympics. I found myself constantly wanting to watch the male competitors. Especially the swimming... And my heart seemed to skip a beat when they showed a close-up of one of the divers faces, something that's never happened to me before with any girl. After that, the floodgates were opened. I started seeing things everywhere; the cute neck on the guy walking down the street, the tight fitting shirt on a school mate. It didn't take long before I caught myself fantasizing too, and having dreams just a few days after that... ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2012 at 12:23 AM ---------- Yea, I definitely think that some guys are cute and attractive. The biggest problem now is that I can't tell if I'm actually thinking that or if I'm just feeling the affects of the conformation bias that won't let me think anything but that.
Oh yes, it's not uncommon for the Olympic swimmers to have that effect on people, haha. But you've never thought about or checked out guys before this point? Are you relatively young?
Hi there! It's too bad that your girlfriend didn't give you more of a reason as to why she broke up with you. It's a bit odd that she would be first supportive and encouraging and then decide, 'maybe not.' It could be that your coming out to her, has also awakened a couple of her own questions and perhaps even insecurities. Maybe give her a bit of time and see if she will come back and talk to you. Any feelings that you have, are real. They are your best guide to where your attractions are. Explore them. If someone feels right/good, stop for a second and try to understand that feeling. If you start thinking about guys, or a particular guy that you find cute/attractive, take a mental note of it, because that is telling you that there is something. Over time, if these feelings are real, you will be able to determine as to where you are on the spectrum of sexual orientations.
I've never thought about or checked out anyone before, regardless of gender. I grew up in a secluded Christian private school and was taught that anything to do with relationships was wrong before you're 21 or something like that. I never had crushes, I never liked anyone, I never thought about doing anything with anyone, ever. I didn't even hold anyone's hand until I was 16. I'm 17 now. I didn't really even feel attracted to my girlfriend when she asked me out for the first time, I mostly just went along with it because it was new and exciting and she was a good friend.
This might sounds bias, but that might be why. It's a battle between what society wants us to do/see, versus what our bodies wakens to do or to see.
It could be. It's just a bit weird to be having your first crush ever as a senior... It's hard to know what my body wants when I've been denying ALL of my body's desires for so long. And for the record, I no longer claim to be a christian, and I'm attending a large public high school now.
Oh my, I hope that isn't meant literally. :eek: And also, the secluded Christian private school upbringing can definitely be a source of some problems and confusion..
Yes, my thoughts exactly. Your upbringing and your social surroundings can have an impact on how you interpret your own feelings and how you come to terms with them. Your hesitations and confusions, might very well have something to do with it.
I think continuing to understand your feelings and to allow yourself to be open to different possibilities, is probably your best bet at the moment. As you go along, and come to understand yourself better, you might find that you are ready to let go of previously held beliefs and understandings, or at least find a middle ground with which you are comfortable. From the sounds of it, you already have started doing that. If you feel that you could benefit from talking to others who have been in similar positions, maybe think about if you would like to visit a LGBT support group, and try talking to someone who might be willing to share experiences.
There are people who remain blissfully ignorant, or in such complete denial that it never enters their mind... for many, many years. Into their 30s and beyond. So it's not at all unlikely for you to have gone 18 or whatever years without having those feelings surface, particularly if you grew up in a conservative Christian environment. I concur with the others; absent information you haven't shared, it seems highly likely that the feelings you're having are authentic, and it's basically a "thawing" of your real sexual identity. I realize that probably isn't what you want to hear... so take your time, don't just take the opinions of the people here, but explore and be open to your feelings, as Mirko suggested, and see where it leads you.
