I was hanging out with two of my housemates tonight, and they were gosiping away about their crushes, and deciding which of our friends would be good together. (These girls are two of my closest friends, but they are also what would happen if you crossed the CIA with a matchmaker). Then they turned to me. Somehow I've never really ended up having the "who-do-you-fancy" talk. It was intimidating. I brushed their questions off, but they did figure out that at one point, I liked someone in our group of friends. Then they started guessing names. They didn't guess right, and I managed to escape, but I don't think that they'll let this drop. Eventually, they'll probably even realise that they've run out of boys names. The problem is; that the person I think I had a crush on is a girl. I'm not even totally sure if I really did fancy her, I think I might have, but...I'm not sure. I might still be straight. I felt really uncomfortable, the girls told me lots of really private stuff about themselves to try to get me to spill, and one of them said (truthfully), that I know loads about them and they know next to nothing about me. I feel like a crappy friend. It wouldn't have been a good idea to tell them then, I don't think I could handle talking about this to more than one person at one time. (Don't know if I can handle telling anyone at all). My other two housemates are gay, I know they wouldn't have a problem with it if I did like girls. I have been wondering about telling one of my housemates that I'm not sure about my sexuality, since trying to deal with this stuff alone has gotten me really depressed, and I might actually need to talk to someone. Whenever I actually think about that as a serious option,..just no. I don't know what on earth I'm doing, why I'm even having these thoughts, I'm probably straight anyway. Even though they are supportive, I'd be worried they'd treat me differently.I'm still not sure, and if I tell someone, then that's it. I wouldn't get a take-back. The finality of that terrifies me. I really need advice about what I should do.
First of all, (*hug*) sounds like a lot of stress, and I feel for you, although I can't completely empathise, as the friends I came out to had already come out to me, I know what it's like to have a huge secret weighing me down. What I can tell you is what I tell myself all the time, do not rush anything, no one is pressuring you to make a decision about your sexuality or tell people or start wearing a badge. Give yourself time to sort this out, here I am four years later and just about understanding who I am, there is no set time frame that you have to work this out in. If you feel comfortable, perhaps think about sharing this with one of your gay housemates, chances are they might have gone through something similar, and they say that a problem shared is a problem halved. We're all here for you as well, let us carry some of the load with you.
This morning one of the girls told me that they hadn't forgotten, and that the next time I had a few drinks in me they'd get it out of me. Not sure what to do. If they ask me when I'm a wee bit tipsy I might even end up telling them without really deciding to. I've only once said something about my sexuality that felt like an out and out lie. I usually just avoid the subject. I'm not sure if I want them to know about this, but I don't want to directly lie to my friends either. Sorry for bothering you guys again, but I'm a bit worried about this. Help?
I really think you should say something about your sexuality. Talk to one of/both of the gay housemates, as they'd probably understand more (although I'm sure your others would be accepting too). Just tell them you're confused, and you're not sure, and give them some details. It helps SO much to share with people, I promise you.
I also think that you have a right to privacy, just because they are willing to spill their secrets doesn't automatically give them a right to know yours. If you really don't feel comfortable sharing then they should respect that and give you space until (if) you do feel confident enough to talk about it.
Hi Catkin, I’m someone in a similar position to you – having had my first girl crush at the end of the last academic year and being really confused at that time as to whether I did actually fancy her or not. Like you up until that point I had never questioned my sexuality, and I had always identified as straight. Now I’m questioning. You shouldn’t feel forced into saying something if you are not ready, just because your friends told you loads of stuff about themselves, doesn’t mean that you should feel obliged to tell them things back. All of this is very confusing and like you I became very anxious about people finding out, because they might start treating me differently or think that I was weird or start questioning my relationship with them, but going over and over things like this in your head makes it seem much worse than it actually is. Of course, I don’t know your friends or your situation properly, but it was certainly a load off my mind when I told one of my housemates, as she was completely cool with it and was happy to discuss why I thought I might or might not have had a crush on this girl and how I had reacted to it. It gave me someone to talk to about all the confusion I had experienced over the last few months and made me feel so much more relaxed and open about the situation. I really think that might help in your situation – tell one person first who you feel you can trust not to pass it on to others, if you don’t want a lot of people knowing. One of your gay housemates might be a good idea, as you can ask them about how they first realised that they were gay and how they figured it all out, but just go with the person who you trust the most. In terms of dealing with your housemates who were trying to get you to talk about who you liked, it’s up to you as to what you say. If you refuse to say, they will probably get bored eventually, but if you want to tell them I’d suggest doing it sober, so that you can plan it out – the way I did it was by printing out my first post in the forum and just handing it to my friend, as I was too nervous to say anything. If you don’t want to tell them though, but feel you don’t want to lie to them either, you could try a half-truth: perhaps tell them it isn’t something you want to talk about because it’s something that isn’t feasible anyway. (Sorry I’m kind of presuming the girl you maybe have a crush on isn’t bi or gay – is that right?) Your friends will most likely interpret this as being a male friend who has a girlfriend, or just a male friend who really would not suite you in terms of being boyfriend material. Just wanted to say also you don’t have to categorise yourself as totally straight or totally bi, most research shows that people tend to be on a spectrum from 100% gay to 100% straight (You’ll see people talking about Kinsey scale on here). Another statistic I found on an LGBT site said that 90% of people will have feelings for someone who is not of the sex to which they are normally attracted to at some point in their lifetime (so a gay guy, will actually fancy a woman at some point and a straight female will fancy a woman at some point), so if you can come to the point where you can say I may have feelings for a woman in future and I may not and just to be open about the possibility, rather than trying to label yourself, then I think you’d find that you are not torturing yourself so much about whether you are or are not straight/bi/gay. Does that help? UTR
Been there a few times over the years - sometimes it's been easy to bat off, but a couple of times it's been really hard and left me feeling so down. First "proper" time (well four times in as many weeks) was while I was at uni when my housemates just grouped up and asked me out and out "are you gay" and then loads of words of what I assume were positive things but I just wanted to get out the room (each and every time) - I pretty much ended up withdrawing from as many social situations as possible to avoid the risk of being asked again - and tbh that's not really any better. (When I say proper, there have been other occasions where everyone is being asked and it's pretty easy to pass those by, but when someone in every group of mates / your mum have asked if your gay / fancy guys / have a boyfriend you get the impression it's something that they've considered - even if it's because of my complete lack of interest in girls). More recently it was with a group of my workmates on a night out with the constant questions about who I fancy / find attractive / are you gay/straight/bi/asexual and I just wanted the earth to swallow me up whole, but as we moved onto the next place I was very fortunate that I'm one of a group of three lads (the other two happen to be gay) who tend to walk much faster than everyone else so we normally head off ahead of them and wait for them to catch up (ah, the benefits of being a tall male and not having to walk in heels while drunk!), and one of them took us to one side during that walk and said some words I can't really remember (but basically along the lines how if it was him he wouldn't have been able to handle it so well!) but which lead me to having the confidence to come out to him a few weeks later - from that day it was constantly playing on my mind, dragging me down, and stopping me from sleeping properly - and as has already been shared a problem shared really is a problem halved, that night when I got in bed I fell asleep straight away for the first time in years, and when I woke in the morning fully refreshed it didn't even cross my mind! Both times I have ended up after a few weeks getting into the mind set of "if just one of them" asks me I'll tell them and the barstewards never do! (Well on the second time I ended up going to pride with the lad I came out to and by the end of the night had come out to the third person of our faster-walking group!). With most of the people in the second group I know it's going to be fine (when you consider that, including myself, over half (4/7) the group are gay and we end up at the gay bars/clubs it's pretty obvious) but find I'm unable to say the words!
