Hi I've reading around on EC for a few weeks and I've found it very useful but now I think it is time to write my own post. I'm 28 (29 tomorrow actually; it's my birthday) and up until 3 years ago I never thought I was anything other than completely straight. I'm sexually attracted to guys, have crushes on guys and dated guys but then I met a girl who I very slowly realised I had a crush on and I was so confused, at first I thought I just wanted to be like bestest bestest friends with her but my feelings for her, butterflies, heart skipping a beat when she was around thinking about her all the time etc felt absolutely identical in every way to when I had had crushes on guys and then it hit me like a tonne of bricks: "I'm bisexual". I literally had that thought and it was a revelation but after that I spiralled into a deep depression because I couldn't tell anyone or at least I felt like I couldn't tell anyone and keeping it bottled up was driving me insane and I became suicidal. Me and the girl I had a crush on fell out, although I never told her I don't think I could handle the fact I had feelings for her and it was showing and eventually she said she no longer wanted to speak to me and it was this that pushed me over the edge... I did get a counsellor and managed to work through being suicidal. I told one friend about my crush and she said she was fine with it but she soon stopped speaking to me. I think the main reason I became so suicidal is that it just came out of the blue how comes I had my first crush on a girl at the age of 26? How comes I didn't have any when I hit puberty? I'd always heard stories of how people just knew they were gay like from an early age but how comes that didn't happen to me? I've since thought about this carefully and I've remembered that I did have a few attractions to the same sex but they were so few and far between that I'd either forgotten about them or else suppressed them and told myself that all girls occasionally find other women attractive. For instance I remember at the age of six having what I now recognise as a sort of crush on Mary Poppins as played by Julie Andrews lol. But I can pretty much count all those attractions on one hand in 26 years and since I was sexually attracted to men I was straight... right? My sexual fantasies are usually about men, when I masturbate I think about men and I mostly watch straight porn although occasionally I'll watch gay (male) or bisexual porn. Lesbian porn bores me to tears although I think this is because most lesbian porn is aimed at straight men and shot from a male perspective with "gay for pay" actresses rather than my not being interested in lesbian sex. I did look around and a found a lesbian porn film that whilst still probably being aimed at men had enough of a build up and a storyline and natural looking actresses to actually get me really turned on! I was pretty pleased with that I think it settled a few things for me. Since my first real same sex crush 3 years ago I now notice women a hell of a lot more I think part of that has been me wanting to see if I'm attracted to this woman or that woman because the not being sure of my sexuality these past few years has been killing me I'm not always attracted to the women I check out and I've continued to be attracted to men this whole time which has just made me even more confused, like the times I've been attracted to men a part of me has said wait aren't you supposed to be attracted to women you're not supposed to be checking out men... weird I know... I'd like to other people's thoughts and opinions on this but I think I may be a straight leaning bisexual? Like a kinsey 2 or something since I've had a lot more opposite sex attractions than same sex ones. Perhaps I had the capacity to fall for a woman all along but didn't experience it until relatively late because I just hadn't encountered someone who I liked that much, has anyone else experienced this? Now I think I'm falling for a woman again, a petite feminine girl (which is funny because the other girl I had a crush on was petite and feminine, maybe that's my type? and I'm a little short and feminine myself) I'm definitely attracted to her and I like being around her and I think about her loads but she's straight and doesn't know I am bicurious. I plan to tell her I'm bicurious though as I've gotten involved with a couple of lgbt groups and she's bound to find out sooner or later anyway. But she's gone on holiday for a couple of weeks which gives me some time to think things through a little clearer. I really like her though and we've cuddled in bed a couple of times which I liked a little bit too much :icon_redf I promised myself that if I got though feeling suicidal about my first female crush I'd never ever let myself get in that situation again and I think the only thing that is going to prevent that is my being honest with myself and others. Some help and advice would be much appreciated.
Now that you're thinking about your same sex attractions more you'll notice them more. It's a common story, yours. Many, if not most bisexuals think they're straight at first and have absolutely no doubts about their opposite sex attraction, but gradually begin to notice that they're capable of more than that over time. It is common for us to not realize it and come out until much later than our gay peers. I, too, thought of myself as an open-minded straight man for many years. I rationalized away the fact that I could be turned on by some other guys as 'open-mindedness' or 'exceptions'. I was never in doubt about my attraction to women, so I must be straight, right? I think that we default to straight at first, if we're capable of being attracted to both, because that's what society encourages. That's what we're emotionally coached towards. Overcoming that conditioning takes a lot of thinking and a lot of personal strength. I gradually explored my same sex feelings and found that I could be just as turned on by men, and that my attraction to men, though it worked slightly differently, was just as strong as my attraction to women. They are both capable of being potent forces in my life. So that, as they say, is that. I'm out to everyone I know. I have a boyfriend right now, and I've dated both and gotten very confident about my attraction both ways. Now it's not a big deal anymore. I'm mostly here to help other people out, particularly the ones that think they might be bisexual, who show the symptoms, but are too consumed with doubt and anxiety to act on it. Those were my problems when I was figuring it out years ago. I spent several months thinking about it nonstop, when I started to consider the 'bi' label. I imagine there is some skepticism in your mind that because you thought you were straight for so long, you must be straight; that this is a phase--an indulgence, and it will go away. That was something I worried about as well. You might wonder if your sexuality has changed, and feel skeptical that it can change, and therefore you're an 'imposter'. I have found that the human mind has some plasticity to it, and it is possible for some people to acquire tastes over decades. Think about how your taste in men has changed from 14 to 28. There's enough leeway to learn about turnons you never noticed before. Whether you were always bi and you just notice it more now or if you've shifted in that direction doesn't matter. Just be confident that you are. You sound like you are, so don't worry about it. So the question is, do you plan on coming out? Are you worried what your parents/friends might think? Because I think this step would help your confidence quite a lot.
I don't want to sound rude, but I'm not going to read the whole thing and I'll try to come up with a summary. I'm too lazy. :lol: I'd say your assessment of being a Kinsey 2 is fairly accurate. I don't know if it's just "a girl thing," but cuddling in bed? Last I checked, that was an activity fairly indicative of one's orientation. I'd write more, but again, I'm too lazy. I noticed your tone is somber, so I'll give you a (*hug*) and say #carpediem!!! (!)
This. ^ I am bisexual and I tend to be attracted to men more often than I am to women. Once I opened myself up to women I started finding more of them attractive though.
Thank you so much for your reply Spatula! This really has helped me out a lot Yes I thought I was straight by default because we are basically told that we are straight by default, and this rings so true with me because I couldn't fathom why I wouldn't realise something as significant as this about myself until relatively late but what you say makes sense; a gay person would likely notice much earlier in life because they would have no opposite sex attraction and only same sex attraction therefore cannot "default" to straight. I'm still working on that... What do you mean by it works slightly differently? As I don't feel too much difference. I'd really like to hear more about how you figured out you were bi. I do still feel some scepticism like maybe this will go away and maybe I am imagining all this and I certainly did feel like an imposter at the LGBT groups I've been going to; I've not yet been able to feel like I own the bi label and this is why I ID as bicurious and not bisexual (also I've never done anything with a woman). Yes, as I mentioned I am planning to come out to my female friend that I have a crush on at some point soon. I don't have much family but I don't plan on telling any of them as they are homophobic. I am anxious as to what some of my other friends will think, most will be cool but there are a couple I'm not too sure about. ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2012 at 08:49 PM ---------- Ahhh, yes I actually didn't mean to make my post so long sorry about that :lol: The cuddling, it could well be a girl thing as a I don't imagine straight guys do that too often but to be honest I have shared beds with loads of females friends before in the past but I've never ever cuddled with any of them and wouldn't dream of it! It somehow just feels right with her... hmmm Thanks Same here I think I opened up a flood gate lol
Spatula is totally right. Hell, I'm a lesbian and I've been in such a situation. I had my first strong lesbian crush at 23. Before that I thought I was rather asexual (something I still consider myself to be) and so never really paid much attention to the fact that like in the bus or the streets I tended to "notice" girls more often than guys (not necessarily in a sexual way). I think it was a thought in the back of my head... but given that I've never really felt strong about a girl, then how could I know I'm gay, right?? So, Cristina, my lesbian crush, really opened my eyes in that sense. Like from that point on I really started to think I might be a lesbian. I wasn't until a few months later that I was watching a movie and realized I had a major crush on the main character that I realized that I'm a big time lesbian. A lightbulb went on my head. It was really an epiphany. I was like: "Juno Kaplan is a girl. I like her. Girls who like girls are called lesbians. THEREFORE I'M A LESBIAN!". So I can really understand your "it hit me like a tonne of bricks: "I'm bisexual"" comment. It was for me like... and I'm a lesbian. It was at that moment that I knew that you know... this is it. This is me. I'm gay... This is who I am... And, I decided to tell my sister because I trust her with my life. After that point on I started coming out to my family and my friends. So, since I came out it's so more obvious for me to see women as sexually attractive. Also noticing the difference between finding someone attractive vs. being attracted TO them. The thing is I do find guys emotionally and sexually attractive as well. I have had crushes on guys and I guess my brain was "blocking" sexual attraction towards women (never had a strong crush on a woman before Cristina, but have "noticed" girls). I cannot discard the possibility to be with a guy again... I doubt it'll happen, but it's possible because I'm 4-5 in Kinsey's. You do sound like a 2 in Kinsey's. And, yeah... I see your point. I've met people who are like: "OMG!! I knew I was gay since I was four... and I came out when I was twelve"... And I'm always surprised when they say that. I'm like: "how the eff did you know you were gay at four?? Hell, how the eff did you come out at twelve???!!"... I don't know. It beats me... 'Cus for me it just wasn't that obvious. I guess some people are more in touch with themselves... or sexuality really is fluid. Either way it's not Black & White. I'd strongly suggest to tell some of your friends. It might help to vent.
Hi Queen Bee thanks for your reply, your experience does sound very similar to mine. You'd think it would be more obvious to everyone what their sexuality was but late developers like us have to figure all this out in adulthood lol. I suspect that it would be more obvious to people like us if there was better sex education and socialisation of children that didn't insist on teaching children that they are straight and cis gendered by default but instead that sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum. Like if we were taught some boys like boys, and some girls like girls, and some people like boys and girls, as well as boys like girls and girls like boys, instead of only boys like girls and girls like boys... but I digress. Your moment of realisation does sound like mine, I wonder if it happens that way to other people too? I think that's when I came out to myself anyway and I can almost remember the exact day it happened, where I was, how I felt and everything. I actually laughed and cried at the same time... I guess I was just so stunned and I felt so silly that it had taken me that long to realise. Yes I think there is a big difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them and in the time that I have been reading threads on EC I've noticed that there are a lot of people that find it hard to tell the difference. It took me a while to admit it to myself (and to some extent I have to re-admit it to myself everyday) but I am capable of finding women sexually attractive and I know for sure I have been sexually attracted to women. I appreciate hearing your story because it's really helping me to put things together
I totally agree with you here. I'm not sure if I would have realized earlier that I was gay, if that were the case. But definitely I think it would have helped me to put things into perspective. I'm from a very Catholic conservative country and, of course, not everyone is a homophobe; but still... the general idea is that if you're gay it's because something happened to you that made you gay. And for me it's not like that. Hell... I don't think for any gay is like that. So far I've only heard "I was born this way" and NOT "I became gay because of X"... Some of my gay friends are coming out now (they're my age -early/middle 20's). Some are still closeted and I'm pretty sure some of them haven't realized yet for whatever reason. That close-mindedness of our society, to a degree, prevent us to realize earlier and for some to even come to terms with their sexuality. lol Yeah... I feel so identified with you here. :lol: I had watched The Descent (the movie I was takling about) for like ten times before I had my big ass epiphany. And I always thought that the character of Juno was really "cool"... In a scene of the movie, the protagonist is jogging back to her cabin to meet her friends to later on do some rappelling and caving. I just remember her jogging all the way back to the cabin, stopping at the door and smiling while kissing on her trinket and I went on thinking: "Huh? I really like her smile. Jogging makes her look so cool... She's really beautiful" and then BOOM!!! The "EFF!! I'm totally attracted to her" thought... I was like: "OMFG!! I am so gay. I like her THAT way... That totally makes me a lesbian". I had to stop what I was doing (eating and watching the movie) and that moment I started searching for YouTube videos on coming out and anything LGBT related. I knew I have had a lesbian crush (to Cristina, months ago), but at the moment I thought: "Do I really like this?? How do I know I'm gay? Am I gay just because I had A lesbian crush??". I definitely completed my coming in AND coming out to myself with that movie. Funny thing is that the next scene Juno (the protagonist of the movie) wakes her friends up. I guess, just like with her friends, for me it was an awakening too. lol And, yes. That's when I came out to myself too. From that point on it was so clear for me. I knew I had to come out. There was no point to remain in the closet after that. That particular scene in The Descent (the movie) will always have a especial place in my heart. It opened my eyes to something that was there since forever, but I just didn't see it. It just feels like a completed jigsaw puzzle, but with its piece NOT put together... and that jogging scene/"I am so gay" moment would like the pieces clicking together and me seeing the whole picture. I think for most people is a gradual realization, I guess. But I have heard from a couple of people that they had epiphanies too. And, yeah. When I was coming out I thought a couple of times: "Why did it take me so long to get to this conclusion?? It's just always been so obvious that I'm gayer than a rainbow". :eusa_doh: At the end, there's no point in thinking to much of it. This is how my brain works. I'm a late bloomer. It's as easy as that. *shrugs* ---------- Post added 24th Oct 2012 at 12:08 AM ---------- Also Happy Birthday, woman... ;D
I can totally understand the late bloomer thingy. September of this year POW! Epiphany HELL YEAH! Felt like a giant puzzle just clicked into place. Absolutely. It was like looking through my past with a squeegee in my hand and wiping away all the fog to see myself at 8 yrs of age knowing I was gay and that it was bad. But now? I am soooo much happier knowing who I really am(!) ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2012 at 09:39 PM ---------- But what triggered mine, I haven't a clue. But after bawling my eyes out for two nights straight I knew I couldn't go back in the closet. That's why my wife of 12 yrs and I had to separate. It wasn't fair to her.
"I can totally understand the late bloomer thingy. September of this year POW!" = September? Cool... For me it's also fairly recently. I told my sister in mid/late January and my parents and other sister around three monts later. After that coming out became a piece of cake. I love this analogy. I'll stick to my jigsaw puzzle one, though... and chances are Toffee will stay with her "tonne of bricks"... lol I think that you're gonna agree with me that after having that epiphany... that IT moment, there's no way back. Coming out to my parents, especially was very ackward for me. It was difficult to let them know and explain them in a way they could understand what was going on. But, at the end coming out felt like... like the next obvious step to make. Sort of like when you're getting ready to go out you put your socks first and THEN your shoes. That obvious it felt. No way I'd be back in the closet. Now, I'm dancing like this (!) at every gay song. :lol::lol:
on the subject of late bloomer, i only really had my epiphany the week before joining this forum. So i was... 24. It's not unusual and it's nothing to be ashamed of, it certainly doesn't imply any sort of failure or anything like that.
Haha! I know what you mean it's like "she's really attractive... hang on... wait, what?!" You know I think I've seen that film and it's a horror movie isn't it where nearly everyone dies? It doesn't exactly make one think "special place in my heart" :lol: For me it was also kinda like discovering a super power I never knew I had... well I didn't see it that way at first, at first I thought it was a detrimental inconvenience :/ Thank you ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2012 at 06:12 PM ---------- Whoa, it says your age here is 42 you really were a late bloomer! :eusa_clap It must have been amazing to finally realise after all that time. ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2012 at 06:17 PM ---------- Yeah (!) There is no going back ever since that moment I've not been able to stop noticing attractive women :eusa_doh: ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2012 at 06:19 PM ---------- It really is nice to know I'm not the only one
Yep, that's the one. It actually got me interested into caving. lol What can I say?? Those girls were badasses!! XD Also... C'mon!! It has Natalie Mendoza there... (So hawt!!) Can you blame me??! :icon_redf
I had to google Natalie Mendoza She's certainly multi ethnic! She's good looking I guess I can't say she does anything for me though
It has been more like I was holding that puzzle piece tightly in my hand saying; "I'm NOT putting that piece in the puzzle because that would mean something. That would change my entire world" It certainly has! I'm so much freer and happier now!!!
