Ok... I feel like I should be posting this on a psychiatric forum, and maybe I will, but I'll try this first. Well for starters, I'm 38 and have been posing as straight my entire life. Technically I'm bi... so I took the whole girl thing as far as I could, but now I've found myself here. I've had some male encounters... 1 was great, 1 was horrible after he called later that month and told me he was hiv+. Fortunately, everything worked out. I got tested about 5 times a year for 5 years. And clearly, I wasn't ready for this whole thing. That was back in my 20's and has delayed the inevitable into my late 30's. I also had a serious issue in grade school where I was bullied for a couple years by the whole school. I've kinda always been a lover not a fighter. So basically, I tried to make myself into a man, and have girlfriends... and all that. But all I really did was do them in the butt and then jack off to a lot of porn, but fantasizing I was the woman instead. I even used to get off fantasizing I was my girlfriend while I was doing her. So basically.. I had a grade school issue that kinda detached me from society, and a negative gay experience that drove me even further away from the whole gay thing. Oh yeah... I'm leaving out the fact I had a ton of pre-pubescent gay encounters with my friends from age 5-11. I even kinda... unfortunately... did stuff with a boy who was 7 when I was 12. I have felt more guilt from that than I can ever explain. So I guess I really tried to push this out as long as I could and it's just not working. I have had years of alcoholism and crying for no reason. And now here I am. Pretty much broken. In all honesty... I think I broke my brain. I have trouble talking increasingly so for the last few years. I try to go to the gas station and say "I'd like $20 on pump 10"... and basically words don't come out... or they come out choppy. Not like a stutter, but it's like I can't talk. The only way I could have any decent conversation was while drinking. And of course I dread any kind of social interaction... I've lost or quit my last few jobs over the humiliation. The weird thing is that I used to be a fairly functional and successful guy. But there was always something lurking below. I can't even go to an AA meeting, restaurants, nowhere... nowhere right now. It's like my brain is socially bankrupt. On Monday I'll be at a psychiatrist requesting any help and drugs I can get. And I sound sorta okay writing this email, but I've been in and out of mood swings, alcohol benders (12 years), rage, anger, crying, sighhhing, hiding and lying for the better part of my life. And it's unbelievable to me that it's been taking this long. But I know it has to do with the fact that I'm afraid that a guy is going to see me checking him out, or I'm accidentally going to lisp. This is gnarly how long this has taken to come to a head. And I think it made me crazy... that and all the vodka. I think it all finally drove me crazy... and I'm scared, but I'm relieved. I feel like now I'm finally considering I might have the balls to be myself... problem is, I don't. Not even close. I guess I want to get pounded that bad... and... it's going to be totally obvious. Don't have a choice anymore... all this is happening involuntarily. And I feel like I brought this all on myself and have no one else to blame. I've done a lot of lame shit over the years... and somehow I still "kind of" feel like a bit of a victim in a way.. Feel free to tell me it is my fault. I just amd realllly searching right now. Soul searching and looking for answers that could be an important tool to help me be the sweetheart that I really want to be... and not this trainwreck I tuned into. Help? Thanks.
Hey (*hug*), first thing, welcome to EC I think you've come to the right place. EC is a very welcoming and supportive community for LGBT people. second, I'm sorry you've been through so many difficult things in your life and I understand that you're in lot of pain right now but I don't think you're broken like you think you are. I think that you denied who you are for many years, trying to keep your true self quiet in his closet, numbing him with alcohol but that you can't do this anymore. Your true self is banging so loud on his closet's door that you can barely function anymore. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that if you let your true self show and work on accepting yourself for who you are, most of the symptoms you're describing would disappear. Now, that's easier said than done. You've been repressing yourself for so long that you certainly can use some help to work on your issues. I think going to a psychiatrist can be a good idea, but I think it would be an even better idea to go to a counselor or therapist, if possible someone who has experience in working with LGBT people. I'm not saying you don't need medicines to help you with your depression and anxiety issues, but medicines will only help with the symptoms. I think starting a therapy and working on truly accepting yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. I know you've got the feeling you've waisted most of your life, but that's not true. Some people are coming out later in life, in their thirties, forties or fifties, that happens all the time, you're not the only one. And all the people I know who came out later in life say the same thing : yes it was difficult and painful, but that was definitely worth it. You still have many years ahead and those years can be happy. So keep holding on and do not lose hope ! If you feel like talking about all this, you're welcome to PM me or any other advisors you'd feel more comfortable with. Take good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing (*hug*) Cécile
Thank you, that was really nice to read. Especially at this time in the morning. No joke, I actually just woke up from kinda a nightmare. I had a dream that my Dad found out and got drunk and was trying to fight me... which seemed possible or likely when I was younger because he was pretty verbally abusive, but I'm pretty sure we have a better relationship than that now. I still think that would be a difficult person to tell... not that I want to anytime soon. I know I'd feel better if I had his acceptance. Even though he's not really been around all that much in my life and still a career alcoholic into his late 60's. He basically bailed out and chose drinking over his family. So I'm sure that has something to do with my "issues". I forgot to mention that I have a Son and lately I've bailed on him. Something that I do recognize is that throughout my entire life... anytime I hit these "crisis" points. There was never anyone I could find to listen or talk to for any extended amount of time. I've never had a friend who would sit though an entire day of me trying to get stuff out. And that's really difficult when you are trying to bare your soul and then get cut off and are left alone. I know that led me to just close back up and disconnect. I can't believe how hard that is to find. If I did ever have that friend... then I guess I just wasn't ready then. But now I'm ready. I'm not closing back up... I can't anymore. I'll PM ya in the morning after I know what I'd want to ask. The one thing I do want to ask to anyone else who might be reading this is: Do you know of a good free resource to therapy and gay support counselling in San Diego. I'm sure there must be some... but (no joke) I made 20 phone calls this week after researching on the internet and some numbers went in circles, and some places the counsellor was out that week... or in one case I needed to wait 3 weeks. Which is fine and I'll do that too. But I was pretty surprised that there wasn't a place that I could walk into and talk to someone in a matter of days. I must have not found the right places or something... just thought it might be a little more available. And that' why I'm here on this site... because now is the time. I found a free mental health place to go to in a matter of days... but they don't specialize in gay. And the reason I need free options right now is because this is literally preventing me from being able to work if I can't interview or talk on the phone without some effectiveness. Maybe someone knows a good place out there. Thank you.
I've found the contact informations for the Pflag Chapter in San Diego. If you contact them, I'm sure they'll be able to point you to the kind of resources you're searching for : PFLAG San Diego P.O. Box 82762 San Diego, CA 92138 [email protected] Helpline: (888) 398-0006 Phone: (619) 579-7640 Take care
Well, I'm not really much of a help, but I'll pray that you'll overcome this and find peace and happiness...soon.
