I'm very attracted to a good friend of mine, and I've gotten to the point where I feel I need to come out to him. I haven't been able to do it in person, I always freeze up and act totally awkward, so I was thinking of sending him an email. Is this a terrible idea? Here's what I was planning to write: There’s something I think we should talk about. I’d like to do it in person, but I know I’m going to freeze up before I can say it, so I figured I would at least give you a bit of a primer first… you know, break the ice. This will also hopefully give you a chance to digest what I’m about to say. I’m gay. I’ve never told anyone this before. I feel I need to tell you because as we’ve gotten closer over the last several months I’ve started to become attracted to you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed me acting weird/distant around you lately… It’s just that I’ve been trying to not let on that there’s any sort of attraction. I mean, there’s a lot to lose here. This is new for me, and I’m a bit scared to be honest. I was planning to just hold onto this until it ‘felt right’ but I honestly have no idea if that will ever even be the case; and I’m starting to drive myself a bit crazy. Plus, I know the way I’ve been responding to you has probably not been very conducive to our friendship. I hope what I’m feeling isn’t totally one way. I would absolutely love to find out you feel the same, but I am also prepared for the alternative. I do have some reason to believe that you may feel the same way, but then again I’m pretty terrible at interpreting social cues. And I know I could just be seeing what I want to see. If you don’t feel the same way, and this has made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize our friendship. I think we have something special, a connection that I’ve never felt with anyone before. I will of course respect whatever you say, and if I’m wrong, then I will drop this entirely. Hell, being turned down is better than existing in a state of confusion/limbo. At least I would be able to move on. If you do turn me down, I want you to know I won’t hold it against you. And if you need time to think about this, then please take it. I don’t want to rush you.
What makes you feel that he might like you as well? The letter is decent, however I'm usually reluctant to recommend coming out to someone and telling them that you have feelings for them at the same time. Sometimes it's best to let them digest that you're gay first. Then at a later time after they've gotten used to that idea and you've had some more time to see how they act, as in if they are becoming closer or more flirty, then you have a better idea if they might actually like you in return.
Hi there! I think sending him an e-mail is fine! All that matters is that you feel comfortable with whatever method you choose to come out. As Lance mentioned, sometimes it is better to come out first, and then reveal having a crush on that same person. He might not feel the same way, and putting it all in there at once, could lead you down on the path of an emotional roller coaster ride. Already coming out can be quite intense. You want to be able to breath a sigh of relief after. Come out to him, and see how it goes, and what he says. Maybe try meeting up with him after and talk with him.
Ok I've rewritten the email, much shorter now and I won't mention the fact that I'm attracted to him. ----------- There’s something I’d like to talk with you about. It’s probably better I say this in person, but I know I would clam up… which doesn’t leave me with many choices. We are close enough friends now that I feel I can trust you with this: I’m gay. I’ve actually never told anyone else this before. It’s something I’ve only recently come to terms with myself. I don’t really know what I hope to accomplish by telling you this. All I know is that I felt it was necessary, and I’m sick of holding myself back. I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable, the last thing I want to do is jeopardize our friendship. I know you’ll probably want some time to think about this, but when you’re feeling more comfortable I’d love to meet up with you and talk more. ----------- Is this any better? As for why I think he may be into me... well he's said and done some things that I'm fairly sure were signs, but I can't be sure. I wrote about a lot of them in my last thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/72278-feelings-close-friend-what-do.html
Hi there! The only suggestion I would have is to change the ending a bit. I would place the emphasis on the positive impact that this could have on your friendship. Instead of writing: I would end it with something along these lines: "I want to be myself around you. I don't want to hide who I am when I'm around you. If you want, or whenever you feel ready, I’d love to meet up with you and talk more." Take it one step at a time. Once you come out to him, from his response you will perhaps be able to gauge what the next best step would be. Hope it all goes well.
That's really good actually. I used that as the last line. So I sent the email. Sat there for almost an hour with the cursor over the send button, reading it over and over and over. Going over the pros and cons. I'm kinda terrified right now. What if I just made a big mistake?
It's not a mistake. You are who you are. If he can't accept that, then he's not worth having in your life. I know that sucks, but it's honestly the truth. You need positive people in your life that don't care what you are you are or who you love.
Sounds exactly like my first few coming out experiences. I wasn't ready to tell friends face-to-face so I sent them messages on Facebook. I would look over my message for a long time, psychoanalyzing it. I had to make sure I was saying what I wanted and I was getting across the right message. I would literally hold my finger over the send button and wait for minutes on end thinking "I'm going to do this...but, wait...I'm not sure if I'm ready...what'll they say...will I know how to respond...will we still be friends...oh, my gosh...oh, crap...OK, calm down...you can do this...but what if..." I'd run through every possible scenario in my head, but in the end, I sent the messages and everyone has been incredibly supportive!
Hi there! Your first coming out is always the hardest and most nerve wrecking one. But from what you have said previously about your friend, I'm pretty sure he'll react well. You didn't make a mistake. Pad yourself on the shoulder for having sent the e-mail. (*hug*)
