Coming out to your best friend

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I came out to my best friend with a Facebook message. I felt bad that it wasn't more personal. I'm not sure I could have done it any other way at the time, and I felt like she needed to know. To be honest, I thought she maybe had a crush on me. She told me she had a crush on me in 6th grade, and she was behaving in a way that would be consistent with a crush (or at least based on what my wise parental units inform me).

Anyway, she gets notifications on her phone anytime I post/message her on Facebook so she read my message right away. She then called me, and I froze. She was only the second person I told after my family, and I wasn't brave enough to talk to her at the time. I let it go to voicemail and listened to her message. She later called again and we talked, and everything was good. Our relationship really hasn't changed that much since I came out to her. We still hang out and joke and let others believe we may have a thing (though we'll constantly deny it for obvious reasons, lol).

What I've learned is the best way to come out is the way you feel most comfortable with. Your friends may not be totally 100% be able to empathize with you, but they can certainly understand that it is a scary thing to do. They'll respect you simply for coming out regardless of method. This isn't to say that texting/FB messaging is just as personal as a face-to-face conversation, but if it's all you can do, then it's all you can do.

 

It's kind of strange, while I came out to my best friend face to face, I don't feel as if the experience was any sort of deep and personal moment that affected our friendship for better or worse. I just felt really glad and lucky that he happened to be tolerant, cause otherwise I have no idea what I would have done. It was actually him that approached me with the subject one time when we were just hanging out like always; he asked me if I am gay. It was so random honestly... I was neither prepared for it nor expecting him to bring it up out of nowhere like he did. So I asked him if it made a difference whether I am or aren't (I'm sure he saw this as a dead giveaway but hey, short notice... what else was I supposed to do?) He said no, I told him I am. He said he's totally alright with it, and I think that's the most serious context my sexuality has ever been brought up between us under. Every now and then one of us will reference it, usually just when we're joking around... but yeah, that was it for me. I guess I've had it easy as far as coming out goes.

My only regret is that I was so taken by surprise (and thankful that my best friend would still be my best friend) that I didn't think to stop and take a couple minutes to really try and talk about it with him. I've always wanted to do that at some point but somehow I've never felt like the moment is right for it since then. It would have been a great opprotunity to learn more about both myself and him. But I'm sure another chance for that will present itself sooner or later, we've been seeing much more of each other lately than we used to. So I don't worry about that too much.

For coming out through texts/facebook/email/written letters/anything else that isnt direct confrontation: I think different methods could understandably suit different people and different situations. It should really depend on your level of comfort. Whatever you think will best allow for you to communicate clearly everything that you want somebody to learn and understand about you. Because in the end accomplishing that is what will make the conversation something "personal" between the two of you. In my case I wouldn't mind having done it through texts because that way I would have had more time to think out what I wanted to say to him and how I wanted to say it. I might have even been able to initiate the more meaningful conversation I really wanted to have with him. Or if nothing else at least lay the groundwork for it and then expand upon it later the next time we met in person. Seems like just as effective a way to me.

 

Coming out to my best friend was made easier by the fact that, for years, she'd been telling (not asking, but telling me) that I was at least bi. I denied it for a while (knowing full well that she was right) but I finally admitted it. She's bi too and it was another level we can relate on.

I've always been one for the face to face confrontation, and have been fortunate in having chosen my friends well. Coming out with gender went well, but was a much different experience.

 

I can't remember if I told you this story or not, but I'll rehash it anyways.

One of my closest friends, another friend, and I were all living down at school for the summer. I wasn't out to anyone and feeling the pressure of wanting to actually come out, so between the two of them he seemed like the logical choice. He worked on a pretty set schedule over the summer, so one day when he didn't get back home after work before I had to leave for class, I took it as some "god-given sign" that it was time for me to do it. And by do it, I mean leave him a letter that I wrote and had been carrying around for the whole month prior.

(the letter, if anyone cares: )

Spoiler

Hey _____,

Let me start off by telling you that I've been thinking about this for a long time now, and I've decided that it's something that I need to do not only for you guys, but also my own well being. I really wish I had the courage to tell you this in person, but it's been long enough already that I've tried and failed, so I'll cut my losses and just tell you: I'm gay. I don't really want this to be a big deal, but like I said, I think it's more than fair that not only my housemates, but the people I consider my best and closest friends know. I guess I should also tell you that this isn't going to change me; I mean, I'm not going to turn around and be something different next time you see me, maybe just a little more confident since I'm not hiding part of myself from you anymore. And just as much as it's not going to change me, I hope it doesn't change anything between us either; we're really good friends to begin with and the last thing I want to do is make things awkward between us. If you could do me a favour and keep this between you and me, at least for now, it'd be much appreciated. And if you could do me another favour and just let me know when you've read this, so that I don't have to sit and wonder whether or not you know yet, that'd be awesome. That's all I've got to say for now; I don't want this to be a really awkward, tabooed subject in the future, so if you ever have questions/concerns please feel free to bring it up. Maybe we can sit and talk about this at some point, y'know, after you've read this. And if it wasn't already implied, thanks for being an awesome friend.

Your friend, ____

So, I left the letter on his desk and went to class. Over a combination of mismatched schedules and my anxiety, I ended up avoiding him for most the next 2 days, and didn't hear from him either. When I did see him, he didn't say anything, and just carried on as usual. I was seeing him out the door as he was leaving for the weekend, so I managed to stammer out the question asking whether or not he got my letter, and if we were cool. Seems he got it and sent me a text, but forgot that I sent my phone through the wash earlier that week :rolle:

All in all it went well. Was it awkward for the first little while? Yeah, I only felt comfortable talking about it with him over Facebook or text or something. But eventually I pushed myself and now I'd say things are good. He always says he's not one to talk about stuff a lot, but he's been great in being willing to let me sound my problems out to him.

I will say, like you, I kinda regret how I did it. In fact, throughout this whole coming out process, having him be the only person I couldn't tell in person is my only real regret. But on the other hand, if I hadn't taken the plunge when I did, I probably wouldn't be out today. Ultimately, you got the news out to your friend and it wasn't the end of the world, so don't dwell on it too much.

 

It was easier for me to come out to my two best friends, because they had already come out to me, I think I did it on EC chat! It was really the best way to do it because I was living half way around the world from them.

 

I've written a number of letters similar to the one you wrote, and I never could find the right words to say everything I wanted to say. I, too, wanted to know when a particular friend received my letter, and I wanted to make sure they knew that they could talk to me about it and ask questions if they had them.

Bravo on your letter! I wish I had been able to write mine like that. :eusa_clap

 

I was very typical about it. My oldest friend lives in Florida and there was no way to do it in person anytime soon so I ended up texting her that I'm gay. She immediately was like, "so you would like to **** guys?" She called as soon as I recieved that text and we basically talked for a half hour about it. I was pretty shy about it at first but she said it was okay and really just asked questions to lead discussion. I honestly could never have brought up the courage to do it in person so this was the best option I could think of. Do I regret that method? Not at all. Deliverance is important to those you are telling, I'm sure. But coming out is hard to do and if you feel there is no other way or that you don't have to courage to do it in person, then I think you gotta do it however you can. I think the most important thing is getting it out there and being tactful enough to acknowledge the other person whether you thank them, or just by saying you care about their feelings on the matter.

 

I came out to my best friend in the middle of a basketball game.. We were both in the pep band. She was the only person that I came out to while I was in high school (I told her then that I was bi, I have only recently told her that I was gay).

I told her then because she had posted a video about gay marriage on facebook. My former youth director/second cousin commented on how unnatural homosexuality is. This resulted in a large facebook argument. Other members of the church that I used to attend got involved in it... so while I was ranting to my friend Katie about it, I came out to her.

I then cried about it for 2 days because I still hated being LGBT at that point..