Hi, I've been lurking on the site for a few weeks now, so I finally decided to post something. I guess I just need someone to talk to, because I don't really have anyone in RL that I feel comfortable enough with to say some of this. I am 25 and I just recently admitted to myself that I'm attracted to women. On some level, I think I've known that from a young age, but I always suppressed it or told myself that it was something else. I was raised in a conservative religious family in a pretty small town, so such feelings were not acceptable or talked about. I heard derogatory things about the GLBT community all my life. I always knew I was different somehow. I was characteristically liberal and open-minded, even from a really young age, but these feelings scared me, so I never admitted to myself what it was. I was also extremely shy, and I struggled to fit in with my family and with peers, so I couldn't even imagine adding this other dimension of my attraction to girls to make it even harder to fit in. I was always terrified that someone would "figure me out," though. Anyway, I've dealt with depression and anxiety also since childhood, and I self-medicated with drugs/alcohol for about 10 years. I spent most of those 10 years completely numb. When I finally got sober several months ago, my mind cleared up a lot. Then, probably about two months ago, it hit me like a ton a bricks. I realized that I was attracted to women, and finally admitted to myself that I always had been. I'm still trying to come to terms with that in my own mind, so I haven't told anyone. I've wanted to tell my therapist for several weeks now, but I end up freaking out each time I see her and I never actually get the words out of my mouth. It's like saying it out loud makes it more real, ya know? I hate feeling this scared, and I hate keeping this secret. I'm not even sure yet exactly what it all means, whether I'm bisexual (because there have definitely been men that I've been attracted to in the past) or gay (because my attraction to women has been much more frequent than to men). I've also never had any sexual experiences with women, so I don't even know how to be sure that these feelings extend to romance/sex/etc. I guess I'm looking for some feedback from anyone here who has experienced similar feelings, and maybe some people to talk to while I'm trying to figure this all out. Any advice or reactions would be greatly appreciated! I would especially like to hear from anyone who was older (after high school and college) when they realized they were not straight, as it seems that most people at least start to come to terms with these feelings a lot sooner than I have. In a way, I feel like I'm too old to be just now discovering this about myself, but I guess I don't have a choice in that! Thanks for reading!
Wonderful job getting off the drugs and alcohol, first of all. That had to have been really difficult, both on and getting off. I'm only now really facing my own identity after many years of knowing but not knowing at the same time. I saw a documentary on colors and there was discussion of how words can influence our perception. There are some languages which have ambiguous words for certain colors or don't have words for certain colors. For instance in Japanese 'aoi' means both blue and green, and if you look at a stoplight, the green light is quite blue! Scientists took squares of different colors and tested people in these languages that didn't have certain colors. If there wasn't a distinct word for say, blue, even if two of the squares were green and one was blue, the people couldn't see that the blue one was different. Kind of a stretch of a metaphor, but that's how I feel about myself. Like I didn't have the words so I was blind to what I have always been. Other people know a lot more about this than I do, but welcome to the community and I hope you can take your time and explore yourself more now that you are learning how to see
Hey I only figured out my sexuality when I was in my mid twenties. Im always here to talk, what do you want to talk about?
Wandering I - I don't think your metaphor is a stretch at all. It rang true for me, because it's hard to make sense of your experiences if you don't have the words to describe them. Sometimes you don't even recognize all the aspects of an experience if there's no way to name it. It very much describes how I feel, looking back now and realizing what my feelings were then, and helps me understand why I didn't figure it out sooner. Thanks for your reply! Hi silverhalo - I guess I'm wondering what it was like for other people who questioned their sexuality a little later on. How did it first hit you? How did you make sense of it? What were others' reactions when you came out? How did you get to know other GLBT people since it seems like there are fewer ways to meet people once you're out of school? Thanks for your offer to talk
Hey! I completely understand what you are going through. I didn't realize until after I graduated college a couple years ago. Haven't told anyone because I put out for so long that I am straight and I have only dated guys. I get your whole self medicating thing only my addiction was exercise. I used to control the amount of food I was eating and control my appearance and weight because it felt like everything else was out of my hands. There were a lot of other circumstances, but eventually I realized it was better to be healthy and exercise in the right way and eventually everything else will fall into place. Haven't acted on these feelings I've had or anything. I'm here too if you need someone to talk to!
Hi and welcome, Never feel bad because you took a while to know this truth about yourself. I was 45 when I first realized I was falling in love with a woman! You are like a sprinter compared to me. Looking at the questions you asked above, I have to say I can only address a few of them because I haven't come out yet. SilverHalo is a great source of advice though. I would be happy to talk with you about anything that I can help with. Please feel free to send me a friend request if you like, or just drop by my wall and leave me a message, I'll get back to you promptly. Best wishes!
I'm in the same place you are right now, having just admitted to myself that I'm gay. If you want to talk, feel free to message me as well. I may not be able to give you much advice, because I haven't figured it out myself, but I can listen at the very least.
Hey, I guess my sexuality first hit me when I was watching a tv drama series which had a lesbian theme and I found myself thinking about it more, and decided that I enjoyed watching it more than the average straight girl. I was so confused about everything, for ages I did nothing about it, then I did some internet searching and eventually found EC, I was a total mess when I first came here, but now I am out and have a girlfriend. I think I was scared when I first realised and I was worried that people would think I was stupid because I only realised later on. In the end everyone that I have come out to has been supportive. I guess I thought I was the only person that had realised later on and that I was totally alone, but coming to EC made me realise I wasnt alone. As for meeting LGBT people apart from online I havent really met many, I do sometimes wish I had more LGBT friends, I have a couple which I knew before I realised I was gay.
Thanks to everyone for your replies. Helps so much have someone to talk to who can relate. Silverhalo -- your reply made me smile because that sounds exactly like the way I first realized it myself! Thanks for that. I think seeing some role models on TV helped me be comfortable enough to admit my feelings to myself. I'm glad to hear that people in your life were so supportive. I don't have that luxury. My friends would be understanding, I think, although the ones I've had for several years might take some adjusting to the change. My family is quite a different story though. Unfortunately, I really only have one friend who's not straight, & we don't have a chance to hang out much. I'm shy so I really don't have a large circle of friends.
I can identify with u a bit.( here's the short version ) I realise now looking back that I've probably been gay my whole life but pushed and pushed the feelings back, intill one of my friends confronted me and was told they liked me , in mind that this was a girl and a friend and my best friend .I was confused and went out with her briefly cause i just didn't know what else too. After spliting I pushed it back again anyway I could alcohol , harming. I felt so alone. I only really confronted my feelings when.I went out with a boy and realised I couldn't do this and be with him . I new I had to sort this out before it drove me mad.. I found EC and they helped me a lot . I live in a small village in which im firmly in the closet and here we are, I know I'm a bit younger than u but I did go through all the confusion in college . If u want to talk pm me . Ps Well done for getting off the alcohol and drugs
One of the biggest fears I had when I had decided I was gay and was going to come out was that my long term friends wouldnt stick by me, and that being as most of them are female, that our friendship would change. I was really terrified that they would think I fancied them or was checking them out the whole time, when really its been nothing like that. Its a shame your family may not be supportive, but dont rule them out completely stranger things have happened. Dont worry I dont have many gay friends, and certainly not really close ones, all my close friends are straight but they all seem to accept it just fine, way better than me.
Hey ems...thanks for your message. Hope you have been able to figure things out without the alcohol or self-harming. Silverhalo....I have the same concerns about my long-term friends, that our relationships will change because they'll think I've been checking them out this whole time or that I've been lying to them. I guess that those issues have more to do with them than with me though. And It's really myself I haven't been able to be honest with until recently. I'm glad to hear that your friends were supportive. As far as my family goes, I probably should give them a chance, but I've shut them out of my personal life for a long time, for a lot of different reasons. I would probably never tell my parents outright because it would create a lot of hurt and guilt for them. I might eventually get to a place where i accept myself, but they have religious opinions that are like cement. Whereas I've always been pro-GLBT rights and accepting of diversity, they reject things on the basis of their ideas of morality. They would blame themselves, and probably preach to me, although I'm sure they wouldn't disown me or anything.
Hi Adelaida, I am 29 now but I didn't start questioning until I was 26. When I realised I was bisexual it also hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't understand how I hadn't realised this about myself sooner. I thought it must be pretty rare to realise so late but reading here that may not be the case. I think your therapist would be the best person in the world to tell about your attraction to women. She will be able to talk you through it and not be judgemental and it would be in the strictest confidence. I hope you find to courage to talk to her.
Yeah well there is no rush to tell your parents. Just take it one step at a time and accepting yourself is certainly an important step forward. You can decide in the future when you are more secure in how you feel and who you are. Are you out to any of your friends?
yes this all can be confusing i didn't accept the fact that i was attracted to guys until i was 22 (24 now) also denied myself wanting to be female until i was 23 it is very confusing and doesn't really get figured out until something happens and makes you look in a different direction I'm very liberal mentally, but in actually expressing myself ... i was so conservative, i couldn't and still can't joke about anything about sex or gender I'm still attracted to girls, though more just the fact that girls are pretty and hot but guys are who i want to date and be with forever (though Ive never dated anyone) also take your time figure it out and i guess dont rush into it no mater how much you want to takes a lot of time and effort to understand oneself also just write on my wall if you want to ask more questions or just chat it up ^w^
Just checked back with this and read the extra responses. Thanks for posting. I did actually manage to tell my therapist last Friday, so, go me! Although after a few minutes, I had to ask to change the subject because it just got overwhelming. But I'm hoping it gets easier with time. I'm definitely not out to any of my friends, and I really don't think anyone suspects anything....I guess I want to be sure about everything before I tell anyone else. Of course, it's hard to be sure since I've never had any experience in that department. How did the rest of you manage that particular part of all this?
I'm 27 and going through the whole questioning process now. I live in a very conservative religious community where gay people really aren't acknowledged as existing, so I think that's why it's taken me so long. Like you, I suspected that I was gay but suppressed it for years and then I went through a 'maybe I'm bi and won't ever have to come out' stage, but now I'm pretty sure that I'm a Lesbian. I actually told a therapist for the first time last week - it was scary and I started crying in the middle of the session but I felt very relieved afterwards and I think it was definitely worth it. I'd encourage you to do that when you're ready.
I wanted to be sure before I told anyone anything but after three years of questioning I am still not sure I don't know what to call myself (I know labels aren't important to some people but they are to me). All I know for sure is that I have been attracted to men and I've been attracted to women so this is what I've said to people and I've told them I'm not sure and I classify myself as bicurious and explain the kinsey scale if they don't know what it is. From this I can say I don't think I am straight, which is what you could say too if you chose to tell anyone.
Oh that's wonderful that you have told your therapist. I know how difficult that can be. I am struggling with that right now. I haven't told her yet and I am absolutely bricking it when the thought crosses my mind. I have wanted to say something so many times but I chicken out. I have danced around the subject a few times though, probably hoping that she would pick up on it and ask me outright. I think that as we accept who we are, sharing that information with another person and talking about it becomes easier. I am still figuring all this out for myself but I have found that the more I open up to others here about my feelings, the easier it is for me to process it and accept it myself.
