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Stifled

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AlexisAnne, Oct 21, 2012.

  1. AlexisAnne

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    I guess, first and foremost, I already know what I need to do. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, other than maybe I need to see it written out. As always, I'm also open to any comments, advice, ect... that any of you might have.

    I've begun to realize lately how stifled I feel. A little background first I suppose. I'm currently living with my father, sister, and nephew. Well my sister is aware of my gender identity, and completely supportive, it's not something I've discussed with my father (he doesn't know I'm bisexual either). As for my nephew, he's six, so it's not something that's really come up around him. The idea of talking to my father about any of this is out of the question as long as I'm living here. I'm not worried about anything like being disowned, hated, or rejected per se. He's an extremely conservative Christian though, and he's never made a secret of his feelings on matters of what he would refer to as "deviant sexual behavior," which is what he would lump all of my issues into no doubt. Given what I know about him, he would see it as his duty to "fix" me, even though there's nothing to fix.

    I love him, and I have a lot of respect for him, and value many of the qualities that he's instilled into us, but the idea of having him try to repair me as though I were broken is somehow worse than the thought of rejection. Anyway, I'm prattling on a little bit. He's been out of work for about three years now, and given his age and the fact that although he's mostly mobile, he's legally handicapped due to foot injury, mean that he likely isn't going back to work any time soon, if ever. Because of that, it takes all three of us to afford the house that we're living in.

    After accepting this major piece of myself I'm eager to explore it and live with it. I'd like to do things like dress at home, decorate the way I'd like to, and even something small like get my ears pierced, all of which are problematic right now. As it is, I feel like I'm being stifled. I spoke to my therapist about this and told her that if I buckled down on my spending, I could probably afford to be in my own apartment by the middle of next year, if not sooner, but that I'm afraid without my financial help I'm afraid of what might happen to the rest of my family if they can't afford the house. I know there's genuine concern on my part, particularly for my nephew, but part of me also thinks that I'm using this as an excuse on my part to not move forward. Unless things change after seeing my therapist for a while, I want and intend to transition and begin living as a woman, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't a little scary.

    It's funny that, as miserable as I've been inside, there's still a small part of me that wants to hold on to that, to protect it. Another thing that I brought up in therapy. I told her (my therapist) that I've been miserable for so long that I've been wondering what the hell it is that I'm trying to protect anymore. I went on to say that if my life is going to be difficult either way, I might as well choose the path that allows me to be true to myself. And I firmly believe that.

    I know that I need to move out, but getting myself to that part is difficult. It took a long time for me to finally build myself up enough to seek out a therapist, and since I did that, and started coming out about this, it feels like things have been moving fast. What's more, I've liked it. Now, I guess I'm feeling like I have to slow it back down because of my living arrangements.

    Maybe I just needed to vent this a little. I don't know. Once again, I welcome anything that anybody has to say on the subject :slight_smile:
     
  2. wandering i

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    Damn straight. You have absolutely figured it out. It sounds like you have done an amazing job moving yourself forward and taking care of yourself. I think you've really got it, just remember that you are working towards something wonderful and I hope that brings you patience and strength. And I am rooting for you!
     
  3. AlexisAnne

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    Thank you. That means a lot. This hasn't exactly been easy so far, but neither was my life before. I think my therapist is nudging me in that direction as well. I've discussed living arrangements with her, and she's expressed concern over my lack of privacy, and suggested that I start saving regardless of the household financial situation because, as she put it, a lot can happen in six months. I think it was her way of, without telling me what to do, letting me know that she kind of agrees with my need to get out on my own.
     
  4. wandering i

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    Independence is truly the best part of my life right now. Having the freedom to do what I need to for myself and make choices on the fly really is making this whole identity exploration and understanding so much easier. I'm excited for you to get that freedom, too.
     
  5. AlexisAnne

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    Me too. I've spent most of my life thinking about these things in the abstract. Now that I've started thinking about them in real terms, I know its the right thing.
     
  6. wandering i

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    Applauding you!
     
  7. Well, I've already given you some advice via wall on this matter, but I'll try to expand upon the extra information you've given in this post.

    I think the sooner you bring up the possibility of you moving to your family, the better. You don't have to come out to your father, but perhaps tell him something like "I think it's time for me to get a place of my own. I know my actions will have an impact on other people, and I thought it would only be fair to let you know in advance, so you can prepare." While it could potentially make things awkward, I think it could be a good way to approach your concern, not only for them, but for your own peace of mind. After all, you know this is what you need to do, and are saving up the funds to afford your own apartment, so shouldn't they have the same amount of time to do what is necessary for them to either stay in the house or find new living arrangements?

    If your father is on disability, he could use the time to apply for reduced rate housing (which can take a while to find), they could look for a cheaper place, or maybe take in a roommate to help pay the bills. Whatever your father and sister decide, giving a heads up in the near future could prove helpful. I think that it could make coming out a little more pleasant, as well. If your father finds out that's part of the reason why you moved, and you had just told him with little warning that you're leaving, he might be bitter. As I said in one of my messages, setting the mood is very important, so take care in how you go about this, as it could impact his reaction significantly.

    As always, it's up to you how you feel it would be appropriate to go about this, since you know your family the best. This is merely my opinion, and you may feel that it doesn't apply to your situation. That's okay. I just wanted to give you a different perspective --- if nothing else, maybe it will make you think about a way that you definitely don't want to go about it. :slight_smile:

    I've felt somewhat like this before, and to an extent, I still do. At the height of my depression, I lost interest in my hobbies, I didn't have friends, I rarely went out in public, etc. There was nothing or no one else to define me, so my depression became me. That's how I felt. Although I wanted to be happy, I didn't at the same time, so going to therapy felt conflicting. Would I be losing my identity in the process? I don't see it quite so extreme anymore, but there's no denying that my mental illnesses do play a large role in who I am as a person today, how I came to be like this, and how it will continue to affect how I will grow.

    In short, when depression is all you know, it can be scary to learn how to overcome it, and you might have some setbacks, but I think you (and I) will find it will be totally worth it. If you deny who you are, life will almost certainly be miserable, but if you are true to yourself, while things may not easy, I think you will find happiness if you allow yourself. We can't control events or what other people do/say, but we can regulate how we look at the world, which can make a huge difference.
     
  8. AlexisAnne

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    Good advice E, as always.

    You're absolutely right about the idea of giving them a heads up in advance. For some reason, I guess I equated the moving announcement with coming out and my mind didn't want to separate the two. Probably that small part of me that's still trying to hold on to things as they are, not because it's best, but because it's familiar.

    I should tell them well before I actually start looking for a place, and it'll definitely help with setting the mood for coming out.

    Thank you :slight_smile: