Something that's been on my mind lately. I know people sometimes feel like they need more friends, but I feel like I need less. Let's start off with something my father said when I turned 18, almost 2 years ago. He was surprised by how many people came to my birthday party, and thus, how many friends I had. He said that he doesn't like having friends because of the effort it takes to keep in touch. At the time, it seemed like nonsense to me. It's been on my mind ever since. But lately it's been bugging me. It kind of started when I broke up with my ex a good month ago, and I realized how much of my time I had invested in him during the relationship, I sometimes didn't see even my closest friends for a couple of weeks. While I always critiqued other people for doing that. It made me feel guilty towards my closest friends (apart from my ex himself, who definitely used to be my best friend ever, before we started things), especially because they had girlfriends and they always had time for their friends (read: me). But I was having a hard time telling them about my boyfriend and thus that I wasn't straight. It's happened countless times that they asked me to join them in going for a drink or something else, and I had to say no because I was with my boyfriend. I did always tell them I was with him, but I never told them he was more than a friend. I'm blessed that they didn't give up on me. Funny thing is, they sometimes jokingly said me and my boyfriend must have been dating, but I never had the courage to tell them we actually were (but that was more because my boyfriend was closeted and he wasn't sure how he'd feel if I were to tell them). Anyway, back to the having too many friends thing. During the year I've gotten closer with many of my friends, but it's hard to actually keep the contact with all of them alive, and making sure I keep seeing them from time to time. It makes me feel even more like the weekend is too short. A few days ago I met my best friend from primary school, we hadn't seen each other in years, apart from the very occasional hello. We went to the same high school after primary school but we were in different classes, and thus we got different friends. Leading to not having any contact anymore. He said how he missed what we had, that he really treasures the memories, and that he wants to pick up the friendship again. I was like, 'sure, we should'. But at the same time I was thinking like, I'll have even more friends. I can't have any more friends. I have no room for more, no time. And it's such a shame because I'd love to pick up our old friendship again, but it just feels like, too much, you know? And it's not like I have any friends that I'd rather cut off the contact with. It's weird, because I'm sometimes quite insecure, and I wonder how I can have so many friends. At other times I wonder how I can ever be insecure when I've got so many friends. Cause having many friends must mean you're a good person and that you're fun to be with, right? What do you think of this? Has anyone ever felt the same? I just feel I'm stuck because I don't want to lose any of my friends. It's not the only thing that's been bugging me, either... I'm still sort of waiting for my ex to change his mind and I'm getting really tired of it, and our friendship now is only half-working, and I'm in the midst of my coming out process - but it's like, paused, because I'm not even sure about my sexuality and I don't want to tell others half-truths or come out for something I'm not... Yet I really want to tell at least my closest friends but because my ex is closeted, I can't tell them the whole story, and I don't want to tell only half of the story. Not to mention how most of my friends don't even know about my sexuality, so am I like, liked for who I'm not? And college is taking up less of my time than it should, because I have so much going on in my mind... I'm an emotional wreck, really - and it all started with my ex breaking up on me, and that is exactly what I can't tell people. So apart from him and some other friends that live elsewhere who I'm not so close with, I can't talk to my friends about how shitty I feel. It makes me feel like I'm not being myself even more: I haven't come out to many of my friends, and even more of my friends don't know how terrible I feel at times...
I don't know about you, but do you see everyone you occasionally hang out/talk with all as "friends", or do you separate people into categories like "stranger", "acquaintance", "casual friend", "close friend", "best friend", etc. ? What your father might be thinking is that, as people move into adulthood, your friendship and circles could change, and how you would or would not keep up with them. And how everyone might be in different levels and angles of perspective, maturity, etc.
I do separate people into such categories. It is not like I see everyone I invite to my birthday as actual close friends. There are people I go out with occasionally, and don't really see as friends, but would invite to my birthday. I'm really talking about friends here though. It's an odd term anyway... I don't think that is what my father meant: he was really talking about his own thoughts of having friends. He doesn't have any, either. Don't understand how he copes, but okay.
