Hello everyone, I've been lurking for a few months now, and avidly reading to try and make sense of things in my own life. Since this has been a helpful place, and is a nicer than usual forum, I thought I'd say hello and blab a bit in the relative freedom of the internet. Warning: Below may (heh) be a case of TL;DR... I knew I was different by the third grade, I just didn't know exactly how. It wasn't until I was 10 or 11, roughly around when I began swimming competitively, and puberty hit, that I found my thoughts and fantasies occasionally featuring other males around me. Honestly none of this seemed odd to me, as I still liked girls predominantly, and explained away these (usually highly) erotic same sex thoughts as trivial and no more deserving further thought than any other of my lascivious fantasies as a pubescent male. At this time those males who aroused my interest were mere bed fodder, as were girls at the time—it wasn't until 5th grade I had my first 'real' crush on someone, who happened to be a girl, followed by another deeper crush on another girl in 6th grade. It was during this period, as a nerdy, lanky, and shy thirteen year old that I started to realise, and to think, I understood what was going on in my mind. I started noticing certain guys in the locker room—and how no one noticed my sometimes near blatant package ogling I'll never know—that I came realise I was Bisexual; certainly, I figured, it all now made sense and all would work out and be fine in the future. A recurring theme as I got older was constant deep crushing on women, and later, as I'll explain, men, and getting no where fast. Whenever I made the mistake of telling my 'friends' I liked a girl, they would promptly hold it over my head for weeks, and eventually find the most embarrassing way of making it known to the girl. One was so put out by the attention of these friends, and so convinced I was stalking her, that she quit the swim team and I don't think we ever spoke again. This happened again (not the stalking accusation as there was never a shred of truth to it) with two other girls. Another in middle, and the last in high school. Needless to say, I was tired of even trying, and was certainly done revealing facts about myself to anyone. I retreated into my own existence, more reserved and shy than I was before, and less inclined to pursue any romantic interest again. Before the third girl, who was admittedly above my station, I had my first serious crush on a male. I'd been infatuated with guys before, but they had until then still remained a happy addition to my hand exercise routines. It's true I didn't know him, and to make matters worse it was love from afar, a member of a rival HS team. This was the first time I'd ever loved a guy so deeply and completely, no matter how impossible or ridiculous, that the very thought of him as merely a sexual object was disgusting, and thus he wasn't—I wanted to be there for this guy, and I wanted him to be there too, and suddenly I realised the possibility that I could be in love with, and live happily with a man, in place of a woman. No longer were things simple in my head. I remember when it happened, and still vividly recall that horrible sinking feeling of despair and emptiness, and knowledge of future unavoidable yearning, that came over me at the competition that evening. As I sat with my family later that night, out at a celebratory dinner, I suddenly deeply hated myself, to be stuck in such an unenviable position, to be so lost to my feelings over someone who, even were he similarly inclined, I could never (then or now) be involved with openly, or secretly. He walked into my life for fifteen minutes, and completely turned my life upside down for a year, never before had I been so sulky and depressed, and my parents noticed and were concerned. I'm not even sure we ever exchanged, literally, more than a few words in all these years. He turned out to be straight, as I discovered through FB recently, and I was over it eventually. Once again, still a thrice shy, lanky, nerdy guy, who thus far had never displayed anything but embarrassment to be asked about girlfriends by his parents. Thus began my fathers very inconspicuous, “Are you gay?” questions, every few months, until he died a few years ago. Eventually in junior year I professed my love to a girl I had known, or thought I'd known, for a few years. By all outward appearance she was quite taken with me, holding hands, talking candidly with me for some time. She seemed elated to have this told to her finally, and we both went to our respective homes that night happy with each other. Come the next day I find out she told her parents she wanted nothing to do with me, and would not be coming to practice for awhile. For some time I believed her ultra-religious parents clamped down and put a stop to it, by then I'd stopped going to practice, completely burnt out with all of it and tired of trying, when the coach later reported she was doing the same damn thing with the guys after me, eventually becoming quite brazen and putting her hands where the coach, if not the guys, disapproved. I felt vindicated to say the least, but no better about myself. In senior year I became friends with someone a grade lower than me and his long time female friend. We got along great, and still do, and they were the first I had ever admitted being bisexual to after this friend had come out as gay minutes before. A few days later it was revealed to me that he had a crush on me, and we went from there. I had my first sexual experience at 17, with a guy. It was great, and lasted about two months before I got a phone call by his female friend, telling me he was sorry but it was over, and she was now going to be introducing him to 'real' sex, as she'd always wanted to take his virginity. Once again, life turned upside down in a blink, what I thought was progressing well turned out to be a sham of some sort... we never penetrated, though I'd have been willing, we just never broached the subject, he is not someone who volunteers information or his thoughts and emotions (which always seemed limited to begin with). So not only did this guy who claims he is 100% gay leave me for a woman, and now close friend of my own, but she can't help but lord it over me, in that sneering holier than thou way they claim is inoffensive, and thus my fault if I take offence. It took me longer than a year to get over him, something I attribute to the fact that I couldn't leave the only people who I got along with and hung out with everyday, AND the way she had to talk about her wonderful sex life with my ex-boyfriend—a concept she would constantly point out as stupid, since it was clearly meaningless puppy-love unbeknownst to me—something I found excruciating, and still do when the mood takes me. She also pointed out, cruelly and uncaringly, that maybe it was my reticence to volunteer anal sex that finally turned him away. No matter how I looked at it, it was an abysmal thing, for it always came back to being my fault, either not being sexually adventurous enough, or making a poor choice in lovers. I have had penetrative sex with one other guy a few times, and quite like it, and have never had sex with a woman—though I can't figure out what to attribute it to, being spurned and trivialised so many times, due to my shyness in all things, or whether when you get down to the nub of it if I'm not mostly on the gay side of the spectrum. I find myself devoting more and more thought to this of late, as I tire of living life like I'm inside some horrible straight-to-DVD romantic comedy becoming lonelier, and increasingly bitter, and feeling left out, about and by those around me with their mostly happy relationships and sexual diversions. I feel like I can't come out to everyone, because barring the one good friend who might at the least feel excluded, and at worst disgusted, by my being bisexual, there is still this stigma about bisexuals—women don't want us, because they assume we're more likely to cheat or dump them since such a great cross-section of society is open to us romantically, or are disgusted by the thought—and gay men have the same complaints, and both groups just want us to make up our mind. It's not long after I wake up that I ask myself, “Who am I?” I'd love to make up my mind, I'd love to be as close to 100% gay or straight as possible, because I hate sitting here not knowing who, or what sex, to pursue romantically, and I hate the thought I may make the wrong choice and string someone along only to hurt their feelings as much as mine before. One day I feel like I want to be with a woman, another day, I want to meet a guy with similar interests and live openly. I came out to a third person just a few days ago, on FB, someone who I'd crushed on in HS but never would have dared come onto back then. He's openly bisexual, left our home town to go north a ways and is living life freely with his partner, and to hell with what people think. It felt good to do so, and the only reason I had the guts to do it is because of reading the funny coming out stories thread, and I don't regret it in the least. Anyway, not sure of the point of all this, but thought I'd vent and say hello with a nice lengthy tl;dr post.
I'm not sure what to say… but I want to say that I did indeed read all of it. Though I don't have any straight-leaning attraction personally, I did find some parts regrettably reminiscent of some of my experiences. I've been dumped by a supposedly “100% gay” guy in favor of girls. I know how that can flip a person's world upside-down… I wouldn't wish that sort of thing on anybody, and it's a shame you had to go through that, especially since the girl you spoke of was incredibly insensitive and cruel about it. I don't even want to think about how I'd feel in that position… I don't think you should feel pressured to “make a choice” and/or somehow become exclusively straight or gay — no matter what other people want from you. I'm not sure that I have any sort of inspirational advice to help reach this goal, but I hope that you can find peace with yourself. Trying to live in a state of denial one way or the other doesn't seem like the sort of thing that'll help anyone. Be honest, and be yourself.
Hi Alan, First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your past experiences. You've certainly been put through the wringer several times. My love life has been nothing to marvel at either, but for my part, most of my relationships have floundered on my end, fading because of my own hangups and inability to fully invest myself. I've been betrayed in the past by people close to me though, so I think I can understand your fears and feelings to a point on that level. I urge you not to give up on the idea of a relationship or putting yourself out there. Yeah it can hurt but when it goes right, even for a short time, it's worth it. Thinking back on my relationships, and how badly a few of them ended, and how much it hurt, I can still say I wouldn't trade in that pain for anything if it meant I would have to trade away the happiness I felt while things were going right. As far as your confusion, I can totally relate to it. When I first started to really accept my sexuality, and put myself out there, I wasn't sure what was what. I originally came out as gay, and identified as that for a good year or two before I realized that I was still attracted to women as well. It's a process. I know people want that label because its something they can call themselves to help identify and make sense of who they are. It's natural to want that and one day you will figure it out, and you'll settle on one that fits you. Until then, the best advice I can give is to just forget about labels. Instead of trying to call yourself Bisexual, or gay, or something like that, let yourself feel what you feel, be attracted to who your attracted to without worrying that it fits into a name you've decided to call yourself. Just don't think of yourself in terms of sexual orientation for now. Instead, think about yourself in terms of who you like, and who you're attracted to. After a while, you'll figure out the label. As far as the "Promiscuous Bisexual" stereotype, it's definitely out there, but there are straight women and gay men who aren't put off by it, quite a few. Not everybody out there buys into it. Don't forget the idea of dating bisexuals as well yourself. Generally, they won't be put off by the stereotype I don't know if any of this helps you. I tend to run my mouth a little bit (fingers I guess). The most important thing in my opinion is not thinking so much about the label for now. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you. I really do.
TLDR well read most but yeah one thing I've just realized, after coming out to my friend and talking to him he had looked into attraction types, there is a physical attraction and there is a romantic attraction I'm bi, I like girls and guys my attraction to women is more physical/visual my attraction to men is more romantic/mental so was very confused, but this helped me to figure myself out more, hope this is some help
Hi, I did read the whole post, very well written, by the way. I'm sorry you went through such hell, it just confirms my personal belief that children and teens are about the most vicious forms of life on the planet when they want to be. As someone else said above, don't get too hung up on the label. I know it feels vital to know "what you are" but I believe that when you've had a chance to explore a little more, the right word/s will come to you, and the whole thing will seem dramatically less significant. You are you, a wonderfully intelligent, literate, and interesting person. I don't know quite what else to say but hang in there, be kind to yourself in the privacy of your own head, treat yourself with the same kind of compassion you would show to others. There's nothing wrong with you. The world is just pretty messed up, and you have to live in it. Keep writing here, there are great folks here happy to listen and to help!
Damned! When these things come along I always think bisexuals might be the least missunderstood group. People have so many negative stereotypes towards you guys. IDK... Don't overthink things. I think these people's reactions say more about them that of you.
Hi Alan, I certainly can relate to a lot of what you have written. Although I did not have any realisation that I might be bi as young as you were (I was 26 when I started questioning my sexuality) I know what it's like to have the not knowing what you are just eat away at you, like I just wish I knew for 100% and it would stay there. I also get days when I feel more attracted to women and days when I feel more attracted to men and some days where my bicuriousity just switches off altogether and I wonder what all the fuss was about (which is weird) and days where I feel like I'm attracted to almost everybody lol! Personally though I do find comments like "labels don't matter" and "just go with the flow" to be unhelpful because labels do matter and if there was a test that I could take that could tell me where I fall on the spectrum of sexuality I would take that test in a heartbeat.
Hi Alan, I, too, read all of your post. I understand where you are coming from in so many ways. This might get lengthy so you are going to have to bare with me. I think you are looking at your past experiences in the wrong way. All people, regardless of sexuality, have had their hearts broken. Most people have had their hearts broken many times before they find the person that they will truly settle down with. You should not let these past experiences stop you from pursuing your current or future romantic interests. There are good people in the world that can love all of you. There are straight girls, gay guys, and bisexuals who will not be turned off by your orientation. Someone who does have a problem with your sexual orientation is not worth your time. As for wondering who you are, you just need to slow down. I felt the same way about my sexuality for a long time. To really achieve happiness though, you just need to let yourself be attracted to who you are attracted to. Don't over think it. You will never be happy if you force yourself to choose between men and women. By doing that, you would be excluding a large amount of people that you could have true feelings for. Don't limit yourself by gender. I found that my life was much easier after I came out. It makes searching for a partner and finding true accepting friends much easier. I should probably also add that I am bisexual with a partner so it isn't impossible to find people who will just love you for you.
Yeah, I don't suggest it at all. For the first couple months she was deliriously happy, and simply couldn't resist telling me about their great sex whenever he would leave the room. She doesn't intend to hurt me, but is one of those people who believe they are entitled to speak their mind in all situations whether it unneccessarily hurts someone else's feelings or not. The thing is, I'm not trying to be exclusively gay or straight to fit some label, I just lament that it would be awfully more convenient were I one or the other. I seriously don't know what sex to pursue, and it's driving me mad, as I'm physically attracted to both sexes. I really don't want to pick a guy--I'm pretty sure I would like to try that again--only to find out maybe I made a mistake, and opened a can of worms by coming out early or needlessly. I could have a clandestine relationship, but I don't trust myself to keep it under wraps very long, who wants that anyway? I wish it were easier to meet people, and not have to worry about running into others you know because it's a smallish city. No, I shouldn't care about what people think, and for the most part I don't, but it's difficult not to worry about that, especially among friends. I've thought of going to a pride event in a large city near here, to maybe find like minded people, but I hadn't realised it was something I might do until after the event was over. I agree with this, for the most part I don't regret much of it, especially the friend who left me for a woman, as it was an enjoyable experience that I learned from despite the eventual hurt. Indeed, agreed here as well. I wish I knew other bisexuals, or even other similarly minded individuals, not sure how to meet more but working on it. No worries, I did warn about TLDR. Well I'm definitely attracted to both, romantically as well as sexually. Thanks for the comments, always good to get some insight. ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2012 at 02:36 PM ---------- Except for our ages, as you pointed out, I can highly relate to this, what you just said describes me very well. Very well said! I'd be more verbose but I'm on my phone.
have you tried going to LBGT meetings? they help alot, well helped me alot and i think most would agree with me its just a comfortable setting, since you know everyone there wants to be there and will be accepting
I haven't yet, but this site has made me consider it more and more. I've resolved to take a look in the area.
Thank you for your story. Sometimes I wonder how many people there were at my High School who were in the closet and felt like they would never come out, like me... :dry: If I could relive those days, i wouldn't be shy about it at all, and would have some fun and go out and date. But what's the point of dwelling on the past.. I can identify with what you say about being bi, but having no meaningful sexual/romantic experience with women... For a long time I feared coming out precisely because I felt it would jeopardize my chances to meet a girl, but I don't care about it anymore. ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2012 at 12:42 PM ---------- There's alot more I'd like to say (and curiously enough, there's a chance we went to the same high school!), but my thoughts are too jumbled and disorganized at the moment. That and I'm multitasking with a computer project for the firm I'm interning for. Hope to hear more from you later.
Hey man, my story has some parallels with yours but I didn't have as much freedom to explore in my upbringing. You see I was brought up as a very conservative christian and to believe that homosexuality was one of the foremost signs that the world was a fallen and evil place. It didn't help that I was homeschooled either. Now, I am one of the most liberal people you could hope to meet and am very accepting and understanding of others. Now, based on what I read (and I did read it all), I think you are very much bisexual. It has been said that true male bisexuals are like the unicorns of the orientation world. I always assumed it was because we were strong, magical (occasionally fabulous) and singularly horny. Apparently it is actually because we are rather rare... so disappointed, I liked my definition. Look, you obviously are attracted to men and women on both the physical and emotional level, it doesn't sound like you are lying to yourself in any way. Don't be dissuaded by only having had sex with men at this point... Women are strange and wonderful creatures, but very difficult to seduce because as a Bi guy, you are likely less than confident in your approach. I had similar issues in the past, I always thought that my same-sex attraction made me gay and I figured that even a girl I liked a lot I would eventually let down when I was forced out of the closet somehow. I figured that my attraction to girls was false or my attraction to guys, but it never crossed my mind that they could both be true! You don't have to be 100% straight or 100% gay, that just doesn't hold up biologically. Buck the trend man! The Kinsey Scale exists for a very good reason, because orientation is an ever-evolving continuum! Something I read recently talked about "the alternating bisexual"... This is what I most identify with, you can spend months exclusively attracted to guys and then flip the opposite way for the same amount of time for no good reason! That's why a lot of Bi guys tend to alternate gender in their relationship progression; I mean what better way to get over a girl than to get with a guy and get over the opposite gender entirely for awhile?! As for me, I haven't had sex with either gender yet. I have gotten to third base with a number of girls and loved it, but I was always afraid to take that last step because it would confirm in my mind whether I was gay or straight (I always blamed my religion). This was rather stupid, and now I am a 25 year old virgin. But the freedom I found in being truthful with myself about who I really was has given me such confidence and mental peace that I feel I am ready to seize life by the horns... With either gender. So, long story short, you're Bi! Be proud of it, and excited about having a greater capacity love than almost everyone else on the planet! If you care to read my full story (it's a tl;dr as well, so be warned), you can find it on my blog. It is also on the thread in the same forum titled "Most likely bisexual, but don't want to come out until I am sure..." Speaking of which, do you plan on coming out to your family?
Wow long posts! ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2013 at 10:48 PM ---------- I really like what you have to say!
This is an awesome thread and I too, can really identify. I am 23 years of age and I'm still very confused about my label because honestly I don't feel straight or gay, and I am not sure if I am bi. You had several malr crushes, where as I had several female crushes. Like you, I struggled with self worth and the feeling that I was just to Damn flawed for a woman to really dig me. Also like you I also started developing some pretty intense same sex fantasies. I really didn't worry about it either, it was just fuel for the shuffle down below. I believe one thing that set me back from developing male crushes on an intimate level, was I only find older men appealing, very much older so there were not very many in my social circle. That fact also made/makes me feel slightly more alien because I really don't have or never had a romantic attraction or a desire to sail into the sunset with a 57 year old man, even if and when I find them visually appealing. The good news is, like others have said that there are good people in this shit hole we call earth. They exiat despite ourselves, or our personal shitty feelings we feel about who we are. Today, I have an awesome girlfriend whome I care very deeply for. She is only the second girl I have slept with, the previous was a one time and drunken encounter. My deepest fear now ia being impotent, or one day being truly gay. I am almost to the point of breaking off our relationship to try and spare her pain, and just allow myself to get into the pain thatI perceive as being inevitable. I have had purely sexual encounters with older men, and it confuses me greatly. It seems with males, it is only about sexual release, which can really take the pressure off. There is no winning over aspect, at least not in my experience. Thanks for the post, made me think. I've been feeling super shitty about my not normal orientation, whatever it may be. Good luck man.
