How to get over a girl I never even had?

I realize this isn't strictly LGBT related, but you guys are immensely helpful and I don't know what to do. The following is rather long, but I need to get this off my chest. I just need to.

I met this girl at a party at the end of March. Technically we knew each other already, since we're in the same year at high school (now in Year 12, which is 16-17) but we never talked. At that party, we'd both had some drinks. I remember her coming up to me and saying "Hey Jack, we've never really talked!" and from there we had a wonderful conversation. I remember running up and down the large garden with her, laughing with an alcohol induced joy, it was one of the best nights of my life. However, I didn't get off (make out) with her. Why? I don't know. I look back on that night, I see that opportunity.. It fills me with so much pain that I didn't kiss her that night. That was my chance.

Anyway, the party was on a Saturday night. We didn't facebook on the Sunday or anything. On Monday, I had Science, and she was in my Science. At the end of class, I went up to her and walked her to her next lesson. There was no awkwardness, we found it easy to talk to each other, it was awesome. We continued talking in little 5 minute bits all week, and I felt she was definitely flirting with me. On Friday, I was walking down the corridor with her, and I bit the bullet and asked her out. I can't remember her exact words but her initial reaction was definitely one of shock, and she apparently was shaking all next lesson according to her friend. I told her to take all the time she needed.

That weekend was a long one (especially since it was a 3 day one!). On Tuesday, after Spanish (which we were also in together, ha), I went up to her, and said hey. She smiled at me and we walked out together. Once we were alone, I distinctly remember her looking at me (presumably not sure what to say) and I can pretty much recall what she said word for word:
"Aww Jack. Look.. I really like you! I just.. I'm not sure if it's in that way... yet. Let's get to know each other better and be friends."

As you can see, not exactly a definitive no. In the coming weeks, we became closer and closer. We got to know each other better, and we most certainly became friends. I found that opening up to her was incredibly easy, unlike anyone I've ever talked to. The bond we formed was, again, unlike anything I've ever experienced. She was (still is) so goddamn beautiful. She was funny, witty, sarcastic, not easily charmed, intelligent, easy to talk to, flirtacious, I was falling for her more and more.

At the school prom, I got told by a friend that she had told her I looked really hot in my suit that night. I didn't really want to go for it though, as it wasn't THAT long after I had asked her out. We danced together, and it was fun. We both went to the same after prom party, where I was finding it difficult to hide how down I felt, as she seemed to be hitting it off with some other guy (I later found out she was just trying to get rid of him and he was really annoying her). She tried to talk to me, but I was kind of unresponsive. Later on, I found out that she had fancied me that night. If I had tried it with her, she would've responded positively. Goddamnit she's played around with my fucking emotions...

Nothing happened romantically between us over from then until the end of school. We then had exams, for which we were given study leave, but we continued to meet up during that period. At the end of exams, I went to America, for 2 months. So almost the whole summer. She said she would miss me loads, and she couldn't believe I was leaving her all alone etc etc. A few months prior to this, we barely even knew each other's names.

One thing that always got to me was how whenever I jokingly brought up her rejection of me when I asked her out, she would ALWAYS say "I nevereverever said no!!!". She is very flirtacious by nature, and part of this whole thing, is due to that flirty nature of hers and how mislead I became.

Anyway, while I was in America, we facebooked (had her number but too expensive) every single day. We would talk about just everything, and never ran out of things to say which is a first for me. It was absolutely amazing. I stupidly told her of my true feelings for her about a month and a bit in, still 3 or so weeks to go before I returned home. She wasn't sure what to reply, and she didn't want to ruin our friendship etc etc blah blah.

I finally returned home. It was results day that day, and we met up before the event. I got to the meeting spot first. She came about two minutes later (I'll note that she came with a friend, but I digress) and we saw each other and just broke into huge smiles. We hugged each other tight and it was amazing. We walked up to school together, got our results, and walked back together (this time just the two of us). Nothing had changed. It was still so easy to talk to her, there was no awkwardness at all.

So 6th form started a couple of weeks later, and we were just in English Literature together (despite having picked 3 of the same subjects). We still talked a lot though. She kept on asking me "Who do you like?" That eternal question. Well, I sort of made up that I liked some new girl, who is quite nice and pretty I suppose, but I don't feel much for her.

She had had a thing with this douchebag in the year above, who had played her around and made her not really trust guys. She finally got over him by the time a recent party, but more on that soon. Me and her, for the first time, had some awkward moments before this party. We didn't talk for 9 days, we completed avoided each other, if we saw each other it was INCREDIBLY awkward and we just couldn't be in the same space together. Why? Honestly, nothing happened. It just sort of.. came about, and suddenly I was in this situation where I couldn't talk to her. Luckily, we were going to a small pre-party before the big one so we reconciled there. It was a little dodgy at first, but after a minute or so of some awkward tension, it seemed we were back to our old ways again. Inseperable. As a side note, many many people have assumed that we go out together.

Then came the party. Oh, fuck. That horrific party. Again, a friend of hers told me that she had told her "Jack looks SO hot tonight! I think I might pull him". She had a lot to drink that night. Me and her talked at the party a bit, and I almost went in for the kiss. I almost did. I got so damn close, I just.. Argh. I don't know. She spent most of that party with a guy. The guy in question? My closest friend. Her and him NEVER talked before that party. Never. But they got on really well there, and one thing lead to another, and.. they kissed. They snogged. She came up to me and said 5 words that still resonate in my head now "I got off with Solly!"

I, of course, had no idea what to say to that. I sort of half laughed, half spluttered. I just couldn't come up with any words, and we didn't discuss it. She was very drunk at any rate. My best friend, of course, was incredibly apologetic. He genuinely felt awful. I didn't give any kind of aggressive reaction, I just shrugged it off and said "Hey I'm not going out with her, it's a free country" and he continued to apologize and apologize. I wasn't even that angry with him, more at myself. It should be mentioned that I made out with a girl, and a guy at that party. But neither of the kisses meant a thing.

Over the weekend, I texted with her a lot about that night. She really regretted what she'd done, and was dreading Monday, where she had Psychology with him. I didn't know what to say. I had to be a friend to her, but I did NOT want to encourage her to get with him.. I was so in love with her. I still am.

The following week, her and him didn't talk at all. It was very awkward. Eventually one of my friends had the bright idea to give him her number, and after much deliberation, he decided to text her. She texted me saying "omg he texted me" and I was like "you gonna talk to him?" and she was like "nahhh it's been too long and if he liked me he would've said" etc and I didn't reply.. I didn't reply because I was preoccupied with some mundane task. She took that non reply to be disapproval and said "fine you guilted me into it". This really gets to me. It's MY fault. If I'd just replied and said I understand or whatever.. Argh.

Anyway, I was walking home with the guy Solly, my best friend, a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about who we liked, and he thought I liked this other girl Lizzie, and I sort of hesitated and decided to tell him the truth. I said "Look, and don't let this influence your decision.. but I like Seema (this is the name of the girl I'm in love with)". And he said he thought that was the case and this is why he didn't want to go for it with her, because he seems to like her I think, and that he wouldn't do anything if it would make me uncomfortable. I was moved by that.

Last week, I told her how I feel (by text, and I got a friend to say the details because it was too hard). She was accepting, but she just wants to be friends, I know this now. I knew she wouldn't reciprocate my feelings. But it still hurt of course. She told me that things wouldn't be awkward at all, and that she loved me (we've told each other we love each other quite a lot). However, it has been awkward. We've barely talked in the last week. Things have gone from flirtily talking with each other, playfully hitting each other, making each other laugh etc. a couple of weeks ago to it being very awkward again. I tried texting her today and got a couple of half assed responses before she just ignored me. Sounds like her and him have been talking a lot in the mean time, although she says she doesn't like him in that way.

There's a Halloween party this week. Who knows what will happen there?

Basically, I can't deal with this any more. I'm so fucking head over heels in love with this girl, and I don't know what to do. How do I get closure? I thought telling her would help but all it did was make things awkward between us again. I don't even think she cares for me any more. She leads on guys a lot..

I'm sorry for the long winded speech. I cried a lot whilst writing this. I'm in a lot of (emotional) pain right now. Thank you for listening, if you did read the whole thing. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. All the people involved in the above know that I'm bisexual. She actually often calls me her gay best friend (in a joking way) which annoys me obviously because 1) I'm not gay but more importantly 2) I love her and I wish that she'd see me in that way, but that simply isn't going to happen any more.

 

Thank you both, I appreciate it.

As for ignoring her, that won't be so easy, as I'm really close with some of her group, so to speak. It's getting so awkward now though. Today at lunch me and 4 others went to Subway, and when we got back to the common room, she was sat flirting with this guy and she didn't even look up at me. I tried to get eye contact to say hi, I even asked her a question about her new phone, but.. nothing. After having feeler momentarily better, this sent me back into my spiral of depression. My friends realised this and we went somewhere else to talk, but they're good friends with her as well. I regret telling her I like her SO much, I really thought it might help.

Also, seeing her laugh with this guy (who's okay), seeing her there.. I dunno, the sight of her genuinely made me angry. I didn't say anything, but I'm feeling kind of resentful.
She said it wouldn't be awkward at all, and yet it completely is.

I don't know what to do. I wish I could at least be good friends with her again. Before she found out I liked her last week, we were flirting a lot and talking loads and having so much fun together.