Most Likely Bisexual, but don't want to come out until I am sure...

Okay, this is the first time I have shared ANY of this with ANYONE so, be honored please! I realize that this question has been asked over and over on this site and elsewhere, but I need this answered! So here is my story,

I am 25 years old and was raised in a conservative christian home by brilliant parents (both PhDs). They are both politically liberal but, this especially applies to my mother, are also staunch christians. They support gay marriage on principle, but I am not sure what they would do if they found out their oldest son was questioning his sexuality.

When I turned 13, I began to be attracted to other guys that I knew, but at the same time this was going on, I was also pretty interested in girls. I liked guys, though I tried not to admit it to myself, but I also liked girls... So I couldn't be gay, right? Flash forward into highschool...

Did I mention I was homeschooled? Yeah, grades 3-12. I am not the social cripple that most would assume me to be knowing that piece of information. I got along well with kids and adults, but I didn't have many friends. This was my fault entirely. Most of my friends were either from my Church or from Boy Scouts. I really enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine. But, as often happens with hormones, I would find myself enjoying their time far more than normal (e.g. a trip to the gym or pool) and I would shut down and slowly start to cut myself off from them.

I was very christian at this time, way more so than my parents, and I had a crush on the pastor's daughter. I never let myself act on my feelings toward either gender. On the female side, I didn't want to get into a committed relationship and figure out I was gay; I didn't want to hurt the girl! On the male side, I was CHRISTIAN and felt that my thoughts were a perversion; hell I didn't masturbate for the first time until I was 20.

I contemplated suicide a few times, but enjoyed the other parts of my life were too much fun to give up. That said, I was still depressed and figured that if I ended up "irreparably" gay, that I would simply live a life without love. After all, that's what Jesus would want from me right?

I had one friend that stuck with me through all of this, he was patient and kind with me, and even when I found myself attracted to him I maintained the friendship. He has no idea I ever had any of these feelings for him, and I am grateful he stayed with me. He kept my head above water many times. My younger brother (my only sibling) was so deep in the throes of his own adolescence that he didn't want to spend time with me at all.

~

Ok, I know this is long, but bear with me, I NEED to tell this story!

~

Forward again to college, I was still pretty sheltered and naive when I was in school, but a combination of factors began to erode my mental blocks a bit. I was a student of biology with mostly secular friends. Friends I managed to keep this time around, mainly because I was mostly done with puberty and MUCH better at controlling myself and ignoring my homosexual urges. They were still there, but I just chose not to notice.

My faith eroded in the meantime as well, until I was a tolerant and liberal christian, or so I thought.

There were a few girls I was interested in, but I was too afraid to ask them out. This was half because I was still terrified of being gay, but also because I had finally asked out the pastor's daughter from highschool and she had shot me down so hard that it STILL hurts to think about. I did move away one summer and got my first girlfriend while I was working as a Park Ranger out of state. She was beautiful and funny; we made out in every possible place, but never made love. We agreed it was a summer fling and I was relieved when we broke up; I was still attracted to guys sometimes, so why take the risk?

When I joined the Peace Corps, after graduation, things fell into place. First off, I had gay friends for the first time in my life, in the form of other volunteers. But I apparently didn't set off their "gaydar" because they all assumed I was straight. It was great to be around them; I got to see how NORMAL they were, and how nothing I had been led to believe about homosexuals was even remotely true. I would have gladly come out to them, but I was terrified to acknowledge what I had suppressed for so long (my "dark secret"), and I was still attracted to girls as well!! I figured if I came out as gay, I would lose girls forever! Not ONCE did it occur to me that men could be bisexual... But I will get to that soon.

I had some hot and sexy encounters with female volunteers (still no sex, but 3rd base is way closer than I had been before). I was staying intact , based on that last little shred of faith I still had myself handcuffed to. To say these encounters aroused me would be an understatement. I was on cloud nine, seeing stars, and dangerously close to heart failure. I loved every inch of their bodies as I explored them, it was a new and exiting frontier for me. BUT I was STILL attracted to men!! It didn't go away just because I was with a couple girls. Some months I was all about them, they consumed my thoughts, while other months I was about women! How was this even possible.

I was almost done with my two year term when something shattered. I didn't believe what I used to believe. I had changed without even noticing, my faith was GONE (and may it NEVER come back!). Finally, I could think about my inner self without feeling like a pervert or a failure in the eyes of god! It was invigorating. I began to research, and when I discovered that, though rare, male bisexuality is possible I got very excited. It fit perfectly. I couldn't be gay because I loved women, but I couldn't be straight because I loved men! It made perfect sense. If it were clearer, this would be so much easier. If I didn't think the vagina was a fascinating and wonderful place (I so do) or that hand sized boobs feel best, I could have just come out as gay and been done with it. But Bi?

How do I handle Bi? I am still a virgin with both genders, and am open to experiment with either one. I am interested in what anal sex feels like as well as what it feels like to penetrate a vagina. One is more attractive than the other depending on the day. I have read that most male bisexuals alternate between their genders of interest, and that fits me to a "t".

So, after all that, here are my questions. Do you think I am Bi? Or just gay and afraid to admit it? Like I said before, I believe that my heterosexual urges are as real as my homosexual ones... Also, if you just don't believe that male bisexuality exists, please don't both answering; it's not fair if nature doesn't work both ways and the Kinsey Scale is gender neutral.

If I am indeed Bi, do I come out? I really feel that I should, to my brother first and then my friends. I am afraid of coming out to my parents while I am living under their roof; I am not sure how they will react. Any strategies or suggestions?

Should I have a sex with both genders before I make my decision? I am still terrified of both scenarios, but my libido is driving me crazy and I am so ready to not be virgin anymore that I would probably say yes if anyone asked me (in person).

Lastly, how will this affect me? I am a very straight acting guy, though I do like bright colors and the occasional showtune. I don't want my sexual preferences to compromise my masculinity, but I am not sure what to think. Please help me, this is all so f*cking confusing!! Well anyway, thanks for listening. Like I said, you guys are the first ones I have told.

-TheSeeker

 

Thanks for the support! But any thoughts on the questions I posed? Also, what god thinks of me no longer enters into the equation. I am for all intents and purposes atheist.

 

Thanks for that, and for sharing some of your story. I am new to this sharing thing so, it means a lot. I think my Dad and Brother will be supportive; my Mom I am not so sure. I will check with friends to stay with as well.

 

Yeah I think I know. But I am still not sure if I am gay or bisexual. If I am bi, which is what I am leaning towards, then is it even worth it to come out?

 

Wow, thanks for the replies!

Toffee: I am pretty sure I am bisexual as well, thanks for backing me up on that. The reason it has been so difficult to pinpoint this in the past is because, like I said, I alternate. If I have a crush on a guy, I will pretty much only be interested in men; but if I have a crush on a girl, the opposite is true. When I am in the stage where I am leaning more toward men, that is when I thought I was gay. But as soon as I was ready to make a decision, the attraction to women would ramp back up. It has been immensely frustrating.

I have noticed, however, that as soon as I began to accept myself as bisexual, my fluctuations became more distinct and predictable. They are a part of who I am, and I am slowly getting proud of my ability to love the entire human race

So, male bisexuals have been called "The Unicorns of Gay World". I assume this is because we are very rare and have magical powers. We're pretty horny too

Anyway, I kid, I kid, male bisexuals from what I have read, tend to have their existence doubted more frequently by homosexuals rather than heterosexuals. I am not sure why this is exactly, but it does seem like it would suck to catch grief from both communities, rather than one or the other. Female bisexuality is almost considered cool by American society at this point, so in some ways I envy you there.

Yeah, I am still afraid to take the first step, but I think I will. I just don't want my friends and family to treat me different or doubt my masculinity. I am very secure in my manhood; I love being male it's awesome, I just don't want people to think that I am somehow less of a man for occasionally liking other awesome men...

Thanks! I agree!

Ok Michael:

Thanks for the warm welcome, and I agree with your assertion that sex is a wonderful way to express our humanity. I will try to come at it from that angle when I come out!

SO here is the current situation folks:

I agree, I am very much Bi, almost to the point of stereotype. Kinsey 3 sounds like me to a "t" (I can rhyme!). I also think that it is time for me to come out as Bi. I am not going to broadcast it to the world. I don't need to be judged by strangers who have no idea who I am. But friends and family, they will know within the week.

The younger brother, when he returns from London, will be first. Followed by my best friends from college and then, when I have a job offer on the table and a place to go if things go badly, my parents will find out together. I will keep you posted! Thanks for all the support. I am STOKED to be Bi!!

 

Wow, such great replies!

Pat:

Thanks for your perspective! Fun fact: I was actually born in Atlanta, but moved to the West when I was very young... I do miss southern cooking though.

Good question! Damn... Initially, in my teenage years, my interest was pretty fetishistic. I had a thing for abs, likely because I did not have them, but it was always exciting when guys took their shirts off. I live is a small mountain town and people are in crazy good shape up here, so more often than not, my friends were pretty damn ripped. At this point was rarely attracted to girls physically, but emotionally I was. I was so well trained not to objectify women that it felt wrong to look at them sexually; like I was being disrespectful.

This has evolved since highschool, mainly because of the weakening and eventual loss of my faith, and my physical attraction toward women has ramped up a lot. As has my emotional attraction toward men. To answer your question above, when I am in a phase of being attracted to men, it's a lot like when I am attracted to women. I want to make them smile and laugh, to hold them when they are sad (and vice versa); I think that once I am able to wrap my head around it, I will have little issue dating guys.

When I am in a "women phase", I want to hold them, cuddle them, and comfort them. Send them flowers at work and just make them happy. The cardinal difference though is that I want to hold them, not necessarily have them hold me. I don't know exactly what this means, but Bi still makes the most sense in my mind.


PurpleCrab:

Very bisexual... Hmm, I like that! Maybe I will have to change my orientation again on my profile... I like your take on how to handle it as well. This is all uncharted waters for me (I came out to myself in January) so I have much to wrap my brain around. Losing my faith seems to be a boon in my mind because now there is nobody upstairs telling me that I am sick or wrong.

I agree, I want to tell my family and close friends first and primarily. I think they will be understanding. Most of the people in my life who would have been less accepting of it already rejected me when I came out as Democrat ... If any of my friends reject me, I will still be fine; I am very confident in myself, and after getting home from 2 years in Africa, most of my friendships are being redefined anyway.

Yes, I do realize that, but I meant a decision on what label I best identify with. I know now for a fact that I am Queer, but to what degree is the issue (though I am almost entirely positive it is Kinsey 3). And yes, having sex sound like a great deal of fun... So much variation! So little time!

I am very open minded about my identity as a male, and I am very male. I never felt I had to conceal any of my behaviors or mannerisms from anyone, just the fact that I liked to check out guys. I don't care over much about what I wear on any given day (though it mysteriously seems to match, I notice after the fact), and my appearance is little concern, save my body image which is mainly mental pressure to stay in shape. No, I have never concealed interests that could be considered feminine, the occasional showtune, like I said. Also, look at my profile image...

I am excited and terrified in equal measure of coming out! It always felt like I had one secret that I could never share with anybody, but since I couldn't even define it to myself, how could I admit it to anyone else? Having no secret shame weighing me down is going to feel GREAT!

 

Hey thanks for the reply

That's what I keep getting, but since I alternate attractions it has been really easy to just be confused. I think I was so deep in denial that I didn't want to be introspective enough to actually see the pattern. But my time in Africa I had weeks by myself to just think so I decided to confront it head on! I hope coming out is easier than coming in, because that was really hard.

I agree with telling the sibling first. I am not looking forward to it, but we are really close so I still think that it is a good idea. I am glad that your sis took it well, it's nice to hear about positive reactions. I am still going to tell my friends next; but let me explain. I have three very close friends from college. They are those people that I am convinced I will know and love for the rest of my life. The know me better than almost anybody else... all except my orientation. They shouldn't have a problem with it that I can foresee, and I will need their support before coming out to my parents.

In terms of my folks, yeah I am living at home, but not for much longer. It is rare for me to be home for long periods based on the nature of my career. I just needed a few months to readjust from Peace Corps. No, I have some jobs on the line and as soon as I have an offer, I will tell them. I sincerely don't think that they would kick me out if I told them now, but I also can't predict their reaction to that kind of news. Maybe it is easier to come out as Bi than Gay, but I still have to deliver the news that when I bring someone home to meet them, it has a 50% chance of being a guy. That, and they have a 50% chance of not having grandkids (at least in the traditional sense). So yeah, I want to make sure I have somewhere to run if I need to. If that makes sense...

I realize I could have phrased that question better. I in no way think that being gay means being flamboyant or feminine. What I was referring to was my fear that girls that I may want to date will think me less of a man for occasionally having dated other men. I know that I am a man in every since of the word, and I am confident in that; more so than many of my friends for that matter. Sorry that was phrased awkwardly.

Yeah it is wonderful to not have the big guy looking over my shoulder, or wanting to cry with shame whenever I had a crush on another guy. Sin is a terrible concept.

 

Yeah late bloomers... It's funny, in all other aspects of my life I have been years ahead of my peers, went to college early, got a government job at nineteen, etc. But in terms of love and sex, I feel about 10 years behind. While I am glad I don't have to be in highschool and come out, I feel bad that I missed ten years I could have been "out there" just because of my fear and confusion. On the flip side, I do think that coming out later helps a lot because if you say you're Queer at 25, they can't blame it on puberty or being a "phase".

I certainly do dread my first Gay Bar, but living in a tiny town like I do now and the general isolation that goes hand in hand with my chosen profession (Park Ranger) I have no idea when I will get that opportunity. Also, it is hard admitting that I know next to nothing about sex with either gender (at least not from experience). It will happen at some point, hopefully.

The promiscuity stereotype I don't take issue with at this point. To have sex is to be human, and when I do start being sexually active I intend to do a lot of experimenting. As for the other reactions, I certainly expect them, because they mirror my own thoughts at different stages. Choosing teams though... Even though I am willing and capable of entering into a heterosexual relationship, I am still Queer no matter how you slice it. I still will have times where men interest me as much as women, I accept it. Sorry, I know I am repeating myself, but since I said it publicly online for the first time two days ago; I can't get over just how liberating it feels to say it!

 

UPDATE: I am about to come out to one of my best friends in two hours! There's a thread about it here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/73497-about-come-out-my-friend-nervous-but-dont-know-why.html#post1202223

Nervous as hell! Wish me luck!

 

No, I am not involved with any LGBT groups. I am in a small town and I am not totally sure if there are any for people my age (they all seem hooked to colleges or highschools). Also, I just got back from Peace Corps like I said, just a little while ago and am very much in transition right now. I feel like dealing with you guys on here and the friends I have already should give me the support I need. When I get my new job (which could be anywhere in the country, though I have it narrowed down to five locations) I will start looking for support groups.

Thanks for the good wishes!