My girlfriend

Hey. I’m new here, so I don’t know if I can help. What I do know is that I’m bi too, and that I really feel for you. (*hug*) There are a few people I trust enough to tell, but I’m pretty close to the middle (attracted strongly to both), so I haven’t found the need to, hence I’m not ‘out’ either.

If I were in your place, I’d consider five things: honesty with yourself, honesty with your girlfriend, your girlfriend’s feelings, your ‘out’ status and time.

For yourself, I think you have to first ask what your attractions to guys mean to you. For me, I’m strongly attracted to a bloke right now, but being his friend is enough. My attraction is more emotional and maybe intellectual than physical (though physical is definitely there), so I think it could coexist with a straight relationship (if he were gay or bi, I’d also be open to the alternative, but I want to stay single until I finish my education anyway). Do you think your attractions to guys can co-exist with a straight relationship?

The second thing I think you need to ask yourself is whether or not you’re in love with your girlfriend. If you are, then I think you have to be honest with her, and somehow let her know that you do love her, but you’d like to go more slowly and are uncertain about what you’re feeling. Do you think she would understand? If she loves you, I think she should, but I don’t know her.

If you aren’t in love with your girlfriend, but think that there’s something that could develop into love, then you’d have to ask yourself whether it’s worth the risk to try and see if that can happen. If it can, then you may have a happy life together. If not, it will probably make things worse the longer it goes on. To me, this seems like a very scary course.

If you simply aren’t in love with her, then I think you owe it to yourself and her to be honest. Here, based on what you’ve written, I agree you can’t just break up with her. You have to consider her feelings, and the risk that she might then ‘out’ you without your consent. If you want time to be on your side here, I think a solution might be to try and gradually let her know how you feel, and at the same time start coming out. That way, you’ll soften the eventual blow to her, and protect yourself from a retaliation. I know, it’s easier said than done. :icon_sad:

Whatever happens, there are a lot of open, caring people on EC, so you aren’t alone. For me at least, being able to be open and honest with such people, about things I’m afraid to talk about IRL, really helps. (&&&)

 

I have to ask Jake.. and feel free not to answer. Based on you saying that she's moving along physically and you're not comfortable with it..does that mean that you're a virgin?

 

Hey Jake. Your age wasn’t visible before, but since you’re only 14, I think you should definitely not let your girlfriend (or anyone) push you into something you’re not ready to do. You may already be certain that you’re bi, but it’s also entirely possible you need a few more years to figure it out. If you’re not sure, you may want to do that before you come out to more people too.

Assuming your girlfriend is the same age as you, you probably also both need some years to figure out what love is. On the positive side, I think it’s much less risky to stay together at that age, even if you’re not sure of what you feel. You’ve still got a lot of time to work things out, and to both meet new people, so I wouldn’t worry too much. Just try to explain to her you want to go slowly. I think anyone reasonable should accept that.

 

Exactly what I was going to say. I can certainly understand the urges, and the reserve you are showing, there is nothing strange or weird about that. And as alberz said, anyone reasonable would respect the wish to take things slowly.

 

^ Even though one would think it's reasonable to accept one's wishes to go slow, that doesn't always makes sense to a 14 year old. I'm not saying that a 14 year old is incapable, but it's unlikely.

And I don't think love is in question here. Sexuality is.

You're uncomfortable with your girlfriend's advances and that may mean either you're nervous because sex will be new and anything new can make you nervous, or it may just be that you're not interested in females like you had hoped and that you're actually just gay.

Sometimes it's hard to know what you like if you've never been with one or the other. I've been with women and I know I like it. I've never been with a guy, but I imagine I'd like it. You seem firm on staying a virgin. Good. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I felt the pressure to lose my virginity and finally I did at 18. I thought I was late, but I also have a friend who didn't lose his until 22. There's plenty of time to make decisions.

^ You know, if you replaced the word "bi" in the second sentence with the word "gay," it would make more sense. You told your girlfriend that your bi and I think she understands it correctly. It means you like both guys and girls. What she doesn't understand, and I think what you don't understand, is that you're not sure what you like. Take your time, date both. Maybe if you date a guy and his advance seem less threatening, maybe you just prefer guys to girls.

Good luck, buddy. I hope this helps.

 

Hi Jake.

The only thing I might add to what others have said is a response to your comment that you have stronger emotional relationships with women and more of a physical one with guys. I think this is very common theme with gay guys, and I am in no way saying that this fits you. It's just an observation that I have made over the years. For myself I have always related to women emotionally easier than men......but that is changing over time. Just go with your heart.

You have a lot of sexually charged years ahead of you, so don't rush it. I wouldn't let anyone push me into doing what I wasn't ready to.......but if you do.....be safe!!!!!