isolating yourself BECAUSE of poor self esteem

So I know all about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. How you need social support to thrive and all that.

The thing is, Ive isolated myself more and more over the past 5 years.

In 2008 I had a lot of very stressful things happen and I developed panic disorder, which made me not want to be in public situations. I started only practicing my dance form in private or with my (ex) boyfriend, stopped performing and competing, and completely stopped socializing. My social life up until that point revolved around my very competitive dance form (competitive bgirl)

I get less panic attacks now but I am very perfectionistic and basically want to "cure my bad self esteem" all alone, in isolation, before coming back out into the world. I don't wanna show anyone that I am vulnerable. So if I get angry when I am practicing at all, at least I am alone and no one has to see that I am not perfectly calm and happy at all times.

I work in a yoga studio (reception) and talk to the clients a lot but most are older ladies. No one even knows that I am an aspiring pro breakdancer. I keep my passion to myself, Im "closeted" about it. It means so much to me it hurts, Im scared to even admit my passion to EC.

How can I reach out into the world and start socializing again without triggering my panic/rage attacks?

And is it possible to build up self esteem alone, with no family and no close friends, only an ex boyfriend who you can't even be in a relationship with since you are a lesbian?

 

@wanderingi thanks for the response, and thanks for telling me to keep working on my dream. I will regardless, no matter how hard it is.

I get as much counseling as I can afford...which is currently nothing. I am on a 6 month waitlist for free counseling at a Womens Centre.

The thing is, my counselors always tell me I need to start making baby steps towards making friends again, and I dont know where to start.

 

@wanderingi, I live in Canada. Public healthcare covers psychiatry but not psychologists or counselors.

Psychiatry is more medication based and I dont want to take medication. Plus meds arent even covered by public healthcare so I would have to buy them!

I went to the hospital to talk to a psychiatrist when my panic attacks were really bad over a year ago. He said meds were not the answer for me. Basically he just said my life was too stressful and when my stressors lessened my anxiety would go away. (like I can just EXPECT my life to stop being stressful lol).

But thanks for the support, same for the other responders. Thank you, it means a lot to find a supportive internet community

 

I cant stop crying right now. I was dry heaving (almost throwing up) from crying so hard.

My ex boyfriend is the only person I have to talk to (I still live with him, but since I came out to him, he is now my ex, and considers himself single). I was talking to him about why I was upset today. He gets really angry whenever I get upset, even if its not about him (it wasnt him, just some other stuff I was stressed about). He rolls his eyes and yells at me. Then goes back and forth between acting understanding and then only "pretending to listen". As in, while Im talking he will turn on the laptop and read and ignore what Im saying but pretend to listen.

I FUCKING HATE IT when people only pretend to listen. IF YOU DONT WANNA LISTEN, TELL ME YOURE BUSY. But dont pretend.

I told him that and started crying, so he just left the room. I feel so alone and worthless, like I dont matter to anyone. He is the only person I have in the world and if Im not worth enough to listen to when Im upset from him, then what am I worth?

 

You have the EC.
We are here for you b-girl. :eusa_danc
You are an incredible person. (*hug*)
Focus your heart and mind back into your dance.
Your spirit lives there inside of you waiting to shine.
You are special and you are worth so much more then you can ever imagine.
If you believe in anything believe this. YOU are not alone, you have people who care for you, and you will SHINE:icon_bigg

 

Yes I do take the yoga classes, I get free classes at my studio.

My ex boyfriend and I have been a "team" dancing since before we were going out.

It is EXTREMELY challenging lol, I also am trying to get good enough to battle guys. Some girls like to separate themselves and try to compete only against each other but I am taking the hard route and pushing myself really hard so I can beat guys.

The stress can get crazy though, especially when I first started the level of sexism was pretty incredible. Its getting better for girls now though, not as much sexism.

 

@wanderingi ya I kind of think that might be a good idea. He is depressed a lot and snapped at me as soon as I came in the door from work today. He usually starts it by asking "whats wrong" if I seem irritated or upset and when I tell him he seems to use it as an excuse to start yelling at me. Its very strange. Probably has to do with my coming out, all I wanna do sometimes is crawl back in my closet and pretend I have no sexual preference

I was unemployed for a long time and we are both very poor. I have 2 jobs now but I am also supporting him while he finishes his degree, because while I was unemployed I lived off of his student loan (the government wouldnt give me any income assistance or EI, I tried hard).

I also lived with his family for 2 years before that because I got kicked out of my moms house and would have been homeless. So I feel like I owe a big debt to him and his family. His family went bankrupt and lost their home in 2010, so I moved into an apartment with just me and him.

Its hard to just leave him because we need each other and he needs the income I provide to finish his schooling.

 

I dont have any friends, so a spare couch is out of the question.

I cant pay my own expenses and help him with his if we live separately. Sharing everything is much cheaper.

And hes started doing it again. Im super depressed this evening and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I cant talk about it because when ever Im upset it makes him mad. He started snapping at me again and went into the room and closed the door. He says its cause hes tired of me "putting myself down".

I wish I could communicate with him but I can only say good things. Bad things make him angry.

Whenever I say negative things about myself he starts yelling at me, which makes me more angry at myself. When this cycles and escalates more and more I sometimes start hitting myself in the head because Im so angry. He threatens me when this happens, grabs my arms, sometimes puts a fist in my face and I have to run out into the hallway or shut myself in the bathroom and keep my body up against the door because I am afraid he will attack me.

This cycle was already happening before I came out.

So ya, generally I just stay out of his way when he starts getting angry.

 

Ugh now hes talking to his new crush on facebook. So he went in to the room closed the door and started hitting on a girl. I know its not fair not to let him do this but I feel so rejected.

---------- Post added 28th Oct 2012 at 11:48 PM ----------

I hit myself in the head a bunch of times and tried scratching my arms with the scissors. For some reason I dont draw blood though I guess thats a good thing.

---------- Post added 29th Oct 2012 at 12:00 AM ----------

I thought I could still hear the facebook chat noise going on so I yelled "turn the frigging noise off, I can hear it" and he ran out of the room and yelled "Im just watching a show now. Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with you!"

And he wants me to stop putting myself down. Seriously.