Hello everybody. This is my first post so bear with me... So here's my deal. I'm 32yo and have been bisexual since I can remember. and I really mean since I can remember. I became sexually attracted to others since I was very young. Growing up it really seemed like a 50-50 split between boys and girls. I had been with a number of guys between elementary through high school but as soon as I hit about 17yo I decided I needed to go one way or the other because the idea of coming out as bisexual was just too much. I was very suicidal through out my teens and early 20's until one day I finally decided that I was comfortable with the fact that I was bisexual even though I had no intentions on letting anybody else know. Finally around the age of 28 I told my closest friend and then a couple more friends in the last year. So I guess what my problem is, is that I haven't been with a guy since I was 17. I've been with a decent amount of women in the last 15 years and really have only been in love with one who I was with for 2 years (27-29) and who knew I was bisexual. It's been a few years since we broke up and it took quite some time for me to get over her. Since then I've really had a big wall up and within 3 months of seeing someone I always end it. And I think the reason why is because what used to be a 50-50 split of bisexuality has become more of a 85/15 split... I think about guys way more than girls. And it's been like this for a number of years. Even when I was in love during those 2 years I thought about guys a ton. So I'm finally at a time in my life where I feel I'm done with girls.... Or maybe it's just it's been so long since I've been with a guy that I have to at least explore that right now. I just broke up with my most recent gf of just a few months because I just felt it wasn't fair to her that she was falling in love with me while I couldn't keep my mind of of guys. It was so hard cause on the outside everything seemed just fine to her and I couldn't tell her the real reason why I was ending it. I'm a little confused of this shifting of the bisexual scale from the 50/50 to the 85/15... I realize I'm not fully gay because I'm attracted to girls but at the same time I feel now that if there was no such thing as bisexual, that one was either gay or straight, that I would call myself gay. I'm really confused on how to proceed from here... A part of me wants so badly to be able to just shout to all my friends and family that I'm bi/gay so I can stop hiding all this. But my Dad and my step Dad and a lot of my friends and colleagues openly gay bash and it would just be so hard to tell them. I guess I understand that this is the reason why for so many bi/gay people that it's so hard to come out. I sometimes feel that if I was just gay and not bi that I would had come out years ago with this but since I've been able to be in hetero relationships it's helped mask it all. So ya sorry for the long post but I just don't know where to go from here. I feel I've been slowly coming out considering I've told a few close friends and my brother. And just finally posting this post here seems part of the process as well. Again part of me wants to come out and part of me wants to just keep it at if someone finds out through someone else then so be it but otherwise just keep it to myself. One hard part of this is I'm not really attracted to openly gay guys or the flamboyant type... The type I'm attracted to are more like me where it's hard to even tell if they're gay/bi or not. So even if I did come out I still don't even know how to proceed. I feel if I moved to a different city that I would have no problem telling people I was bi but more on the gay side. The real problem for me is having my friends and family know. Anyways, thanks in advance for any kind of feedback.
Billy Welcome! Here are my two cents --- 1. You seem very focused on the label gay vs. bi. And get it seems that your interests are more on the gay side. Meaning that you seem to be thinking/attracted to men more then woman this days. How about forgetting the label for a while and just see what makes you happy. 2. Go on a few dates with men and see what happens. See how you feel. There is no need to inform every person in your life of your sexuality until you have it figured it out yourself. 3. Once you do 1 & 2 - be REALLY Honest with yourself. Are you gay - its not the worst thing in the world. Once you get there then you can worry about telling those in your life that matter. One word of advice- just because your aren't (or don't think you are) attracted to someone more flamboyant that you - don't discount them - they might be able to open your eyes to what you have been missing. Late in Life gay here - didnt come out until my late 30's - so I know of what I speak. Hope it helps.
Thanks for the feedback nydtc. Much appreciated. I feel you really summed up very well the steps I need to do to proceed with my life from here. You make it sound so simple lol... So really now it's just all about execution on my part... I guess that's the part I've been stuck on for so long now. But again I've been making baby steps over the last while. Looking at my first post I can see how much I'm focusing on the whole bi vs gay label. I think a big part of that is because I've always told myself there was no reason to "come out" because I wasn't fully gay so there was no reason for others to know. But the older I get the more I seem to be attracted to guys over girls so now it's becoming a bigger issue and "coming out" seems to be more on my mind now. Again thanks for your "two cents". You make it very clear what I need to do to move forward from here. Cheers.
AHHHH - if only it was that simple right! The fact is the steps are simple - the actions are going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But for me, it was so worth it.
yea thats why i struggle to be open.ive been telling friends who i feel will support me come out.so far i feel way better(if anything our friendship is better with out all that acting) im not looking forward to being fully open to my homophobic mates . but might not be as bad they know no open gay guys so might chill on the gay bashing.any way good luck bo.
Thanks for the reply burg So after posting this first post I've been reading quite a bit of the forum. And it seems a common theme keeps popping up among the bisexual posters on the whole bi vs gay dilemma. Which I really stressed in my first post here as well. And to me each post has the resounding theme of trying to question whether one is actually bisexual or gay. Stressing out so much on this issue that the real issue is almost lost... That is regardless of whether one is bi or gay it just doesn't matter. The real issue here is how to deal with the fact that you're not straight. Thank you nydtc for very simply pointing that out to me. And like I said after reading quite of few posts here that seems to be a common issue. So for now at least... lol.. that is no longer my concern. I know I'm bi but at the same time I know I'm more interested it pursuing guys so that's what I need to deal with. The big problem I have at this point is like burg mentioned and that's just my worry of the acceptance of others of my sexuality. I spent most my life in depression and being suicidal because of my sexuality and then at one point I finally accepted it. Which helped greatly for my mental health. Though I accepted it years ago I had no intention on making it public to others. I guess I just think that life has been hard enough with just me knowing about my sexuality and dealing with that. I worry that coming out with it will actually make things much worse than they already are... I guess it's just that I've put out this image of who I am to everybody I know my whole life. I feel like my friends and acquaintances like me because of this image I put out. And I'm just very worried that by me "drastically" changing this image of who I am to them well make many of them see me very differently and not like me anymore or treat me differently because of it. I'm worried that my guy friends will worry that this whole time I've been secretly turned on by them every time we've hung out and and will stop hanging out with me because of this. Which I guess I don't blame them because I could see if I was straight that I wouldn't want to hang out with a guy who may be looking at me in a sexual way. Though I can't really say that because I don't know what it is to be straight. Shit I don't even know where I'm going with this.... lol. I'm actually planning on going to see a therapist very soon. I go to a weekly meditation class in which this really cool therapist runs and I've talked to him that I would like to have a session/sessions with him. He seems very open minded and I feel will be a great therapist but I do question whether I should be seeking a therapist who is more a specialist with sexual identity issues...? Anybody have any history with this? Would I be better off seeing maybe a gay therapist instead because he'll have more history with what I'm dealing with? I don't know what's going on. I've been fine with keeping my sexual orientation to myself and a couple others but something has completely taken over... I've become obsessed with this. I can't stop thinking about it. I partially blame it on this website lol. As soon as I made my first post here I think about the coming out process constantly. I've felt myself changing... When I'm around people I just feel different now... I feel gayer in a way... Like I told an absolute stranger a couple days ago I was gay (that's actually a whole other story/post I need to make) which is something I'd never do. But I just have a complete different energy about myself now that I'm finally starting to come into not only the acceptance of myself being bi but being open about it. Anyways I know I've sort of rambled here.. It's late and time for bed. Thanks for reading fellow humans! Goodnight!
