I'm still stuck/torn about my current situation. My emotions are all over the place and I don't know what to do anymore. I've been gay all my life but I denied it since an early age. So, I kinda forced myself into believing that I genuinely liked guys--bad thing to do, I know. And so I got stuck in having a fairytale life by starting a family etc. I don't regret any of my past decisions because if I do then I wouldn't be sitting here today. The father of my kids and I got together right before I started college at 19, and things were good. But I knew what was missing... and now, that he's back in my life things are just okay. I don't feel bisexual, although he wants me to say that I am. I feel like all of the progress I've made coming out of the closet and being proud of my sexuality just turned upside down. I can't just choose to be bisexual and being with him makes me feel ill. I'm not pretending to be someone that I'm not then again, I guess I am. I'm living a double life and I can't stand it anymore. I miss the girl I've been seeing, but I can't choose between the two of them. My kids father can be such a sweetheart, but that's not good enough. I need companionship/love from a woman. I mean, I've always said that I'm biromantic lesbian, but what man can live without sex? I'm just venting and it feels good. Anyone helpful advice is appreciated
Hi there! (*hug*) Reading through your post, it seems that you already know what you need to do, and it to be a matter of for you to find the courage to talk to him and let him what you are feeling and how you see your life and future developing. You don't necessarily have to cut him out of your life completely, and nor would I suggest you do because you do have a positive history with him. Also, for your own children, having a good relationship (based on friendship) will help them as well. Have you had a chance to talk with him some more about what you feel, you need?
I can totally understand your part about lying to yourself about liking guys. I did this. And I hated it! The fact that I was with a guy made me physically sick. I couldn't stand it at all. I live in a small town and being gay is sometimes not treat nicely at all where I'm from. Alot of my family where against gay people and because I didn't have a boyfriend, I didn't want them to suspect something. So I got with guys. After about 2 years of living hell, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. I really liked a girl and I wanted to be with her and she wanted to be with me. So we did. My family reacted great but my friends didn't. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now and it is honestly the best thing I've done. Anyways i'm sorry for going on! I know the situation is harder for you because you have kids. But if you keep going the way you are, it's going to eat you up inside! You say the father of your kids is a sweetheart sometimes, but like you said it's not good enough. A relationship needs to be built up on love, trust etc. But you won't have that unless it's with a woman. You honestly don't need to cut him out of your life, just explain your true feelings. I know I haven't really gave much advice but, just have a long hard think about what you really really want. Judging by your post, it seems like you have already decided. You will never be the person you want to be if you stay in the life your living. I believe we all have a destiny and it's upto you to choose what yours is.
Thanks for the advice I would love to remain friends with him, but he doesn't want to be my friend unfortunately. It's all or nothing with him, that's why I've been so torn about the situation. I love him, but not in that way. Relationships take a lot of work, trust etc...and with me liking girls he does not trust me. I don't even trust myself sometimes, I just feel like I'm being deprived, you know. And he's not even trying to compromise with me. I thought about an open relationship, but I've never been in one, plus I'm gay. I thought about what it feels like to be bisexual, but it doesn't feel right. So, at the moment we're avoiding ”the talk”. We have fun together, laugh, play video games and cook together. I'm going to miss many things about him...and the girl I'm talking to is not going to wait forever. I'll try to have the talk with him tonight, but I feel bad for leaving him alone. His brother, my kids uncle passed away recently and that's how we started talking again. With everything that's happened, I don't think I'm capable of making logical decision at the moment.
